The Shallow End of the Pool

Happy Birthday?

2006-10-06T22:05:00.000-04:00

So I spent my 35th birthday today working a double shift at work, but that's okay, because the New York Rangers gave me a nice birthday present last night. I know it was only the first game of the season, but it was still very promising. Everybody looked sharp, and with new captain Jaromir Jagr scoring just 29 seconds after the puck was dropped, it didn't take long for the Rangers to show they mean business. The longest three months of the year are the ones when there is no hockey, so it's good to have it back. Especially when my team is considered an early favorite by many to be among the NHL's elite this year.

Another reason it's great to have hockey back is because I am currently watching the Yankees losing to Detroit 3-0 in the top of the 6th. A loss tonight puts one foot in the grave, and first-round elimination this year would be a travesty. Hopefully you all will be reading this tomorrow after the Yankees came back and scored 5 runs in the 7th and won the game. I can dream, can't I?

Quick note: Try and catch the 10th season premiere of South Park this week (it actually aired Wednesday, but Comedy Central reruns it about 97 times during the week, so check your TV Guide). The first single off Paul Stanley's upcoming solo album, "Live To Win," is played during a montage as the boys are playing a marathon session of "Worlds of Warcraft." Hell, even if you don't care about the Stanley song, you should be watching South Park anyway.

KISSology

2006-09-28T10:07:00.000-04:00

I promised you all some KISS news, so here it is. In addition to the long-awaited release of Paul Stanley's solo effort, "Live To Win," later this month, there is also a new DVD that looks to be absolutley outstanding. The following comes straight from kissonline.com:

"For the KISS Army, the release this Halloween of "KISSology: Volume One 1974-1977" marks the arrival of nothing less than a Holy Grail: 6 solid hours of vintage KISS going all the way back to the deep early roots of the band's classic line-up -- Gene Simmons, Paul Stanley, Ace Frehley and Peter Criss -- captured and re-mastered on 2 state-of-the-art DVDs featuring more than 70 live performances and four full concerts bundled along with unreleased tracks and never-before-seen footage. The mind-boggling first volume of a definitive three part collection (Volumes Two and Three are being readied for release in 2007) presented by VH1 Classic, "KISSology: Volume One 1974-1977" is a showcase of pristine digitally-restored video coupled with a 5.1 audio mix to provide both stunning visual quality and powerhouse finely-detailed sound designed to meet the approval of the most demanding KISSmaniac. "KISSology: Volume One 1974-1977" goes all the way back one of the band's earliest live performances in the New York pre-punk glam rock bar scene of the early 1970s before tracing the rocket-paced transformation of KISS into international rock gods who filled the world's largest arenas as the undisputed hottest band in the land by 1977. A dream come true for the KISS Army, "KISSology: Volume One 1974-1977," contains seldom seen high points of KISStory including significant never- before-available material drawn from the band's own personal video vaults. In addition to four full concerts from the peak of the band's first golden era, the DVD set also features notorious television interviews, early KISS music videos and rare unreleased tracks. Included in the lavish "KISSology: Volume One 1974-1977" package are spell-binding eyewitness liner notes penned by the members of KISS themselves. Disc One of "KISSology: Volume One 1974-1976" takes a look back at an early bar-band KISS (freshly risen from the shards of Wicked Lester) already thinking much bigger than any of their contemporaries. 1974 is covered with a live concert in Long Beach as well as KISS's televised appearances on ABC's "In Concert" and an interview/performance on "The Mike Douglas Show." By 1975, KISS was playing San Francisco's fabled Winterland, headlining NBC's "Midnight Special" and making videos for "C'mon & Love Me" and their signature "Rock and Roll All Night," all included on "KISSology." In 1976, KISS came to Detroit for an incendiary concert at the Motor City's Cobo Hall, captured on Disc One of "KISSology." Disc Two of "KISSology" picks up the threads of 1976 with the band's interview and performance of "Black Diamond" on "So It Goes," a must-see and much-discussed interview and performance of "King of the Nighttime World" on "The Paul Lynde Halloween Special," and personal band footage from May 1976. The 1977 material on Disc Two captures the band at the pinnacle of its international fame, performing to tens of thousands of fans at the legendary Budokan Hall in Tokyo in April '77 and, a little more than a month later, headlining "Don Kirshner's Rock Concert." Disc Two closes with scorching concert footage from The Summit in Houston, Texas on September 2, 1977, showing KISS laying down the creed that still beats at the heart of the band: Rock & Roll All Night and Party Every Day!!!"

Needless to say, this looks like a can't-miss item. I'm sure I will be getting it as soon as it comes out and will share my thoughts here.

Moving In

2006-09-17T10:30:00.000-04:00

I haven't updated in a couple of weeks, but a lot has been going on. In addition to recently going back to college after a 15-year (!) absence, I also have moved into a new apartment AND taken custody of my daughter from my ex-wife. So, yeah, I've had a pretty full plate. But now all my boxes are unpacked and I'm starting to get into a daily routine, so I should be back to updating more frequently.

In keeping with the theme of my last few posts, and in honor of the impending new fall TV season that is kicking off as we speak, I will give you my thoughts on what I'm looking forward to on TV this year.

I'm definitely going to be checking out "Studio 60 on the Sunset Strip," Aaron Sorkin's latest brainchild. It looks incredibly promising, although I hope it doesn't grow to be as tiresome as Sorkin's last NBC show, "The West Wing," which I loved initially and grew to become severely disinterested in after 2 seasons. NBC's other show about the inner workings of a sketch comedy show is also at the top of my list. "30 Rock" with Tina Fey, Alec Baldwin, Tracy Morgan, and Rachel Dratch, is a can't-miss proposition in my book. I'm also intrigued by "Heroes," although I'm not entirely sold yet. I honestly haven't decided yet whether or not to watch, mostly because it's occupying the same time slot that "24" will be on when it returns in January. If I get hooked, I'm screwed when "24" comes back. My DVR can only record two things at once (Monday Night Raw also occupies this spot, folks).

As for returning shows, two have already started. "The Simpsons" kicked off its 18th season last week with an amazingly strong episode. It certainly didn't hurt that I noticed these words in the opening credits: "Written by Bob Odenkirk." Great way to start off the season. The all-new racially-charged "Survivor" also started this past week. Despite all the media attention the show has received in recent weeks, it still looked like the same old "Survivor" to me. I'm also looking forward to the impending season premieres of "The Amazing Race," "How I Met Your Mother," "My Name is Earl," and "The Office." Of course, the one I am waiting for most anxiously, "Lost," is premiering the latest, on October 4.

That's all for today, kids. Tune in next time for some exciting news in the world of KISS!

Emmy Non-Predictions, Part Deux

2006-08-25T23:37:00.000-04:00

I don't have as much to say about the drama categories as I did about the comedy categories, simply because I don't watch that many dramas. It is both a shock and a shame, however, that the best show on television this past year was almost completely ignored by the folks who pick the nominees.

"Lost" actually won the award for Best Drama at last year's ceremony, but isn't even in the running this year. Umm...say what? "Lost" was even better this year and had me literally on the edge of my seat each and every week; it is a complex, compelling, and positively riveting series with both popular and critical acclaim and deserved recognition. It does have a very large cast, so it would be difficult to single any out for acting awards, but Terry O'Quinn (John Locke), Josh Holloway (Sawyer), Naveen Andrews (Sayid), Jorge Garcia (Hurley), and Adewale Akinnuoye-Agbaje (Mr. Eko) are all standouts in a very talented ensemble.

As far as the actual nominees, "24" had an absolutely stellar season this year; in my opinion, it was the best ever and I'm pulling for it to win in every category. In particular, Gregory Itzin and Jean Smart as President Logan and the First Lady were fantastic and should win Best Supporting Actor and Actress.

Emmy Non-Predictions

2006-08-22T22:40:00.000-04:00

A few weeks back, after this year's Emmy Awards Nominations were announced, I mentioned that there were quite a few surprising omissions and promised to talk about it more when the awards got closer. Well, the damned awards snuck up on me; the show is this Sunday already so I'd better get cracking. I've decided to not bother trying to predict who's going to win (I'm notoriously bad at it, anyway-go pick up Entertainment Weekly if you want predictions). Instead, I'm going to run through the major categories and tell you who I WANT to win, plus who I thought should have been nominated that got left out.

One note: I'm not a TV critic and I make no claim to watch everything on television. This is just one man's opinion based on what I watch regularly.

LEAD ACTOR - COMEDY
No contest for me. Steve Carell for "The Office." Out of the other nominees, only Larry David deserved his nomination. Kevin James, Tony Shalhoub, and Charlie Sheen (!) should have been left out. In their spots should have been Jason Bateman for "Arrested Development" (R.I.P.); Jason Lee, who was positively brilliant this past year on "My Name Is Earl"; and Josh Radnor, from the criminally over-looked "How I Met Your Mother."

LEAD ACTRESS - COMEDY
To paraphrase Apu Nahasapimapetilon, "OK, I have seen none of these." For the record, the nominees are Stockard Channing, Jane Kaczmarek, Lisa Kudrow, Julia-Louis Dreyfus, and Debra Messing. It wouldn't be fair to pick a winner in a category I don't give two shits about and, quite frankly, all my favorite female comedic performances this year were in supporting roles, so: no comment. Sorry. Get your refunds at the front desk.

SUPPORTING ACTOR - COMEDY
REALLY tough call on this one, as both Will Arnett ("Arrested Development") and Jeremy Piven ("Entourage") are both deserving. But Piven's Ari Gold is so off the charts, I have to go with him on this one. The other folks-Bryan Cranston, Jon Cryer, and Sean Hayes- should have made room for Neil Patrick Harris (the role of a lifetime on "How I Met Your Mother"; John Krasinski (whose impeccable comic timing and interplay with Jenna Fischer on "The Office" is the highlight of that show every week); and, for a wild card, how about Robert Ben Garant from "Reno 911!"? Deputy Travis Junior kicks ass.

SUPPORTING ACTRESS - COMEDY
Another easy call. Jaime Pressly was a revelation this year on "My Name Is Earl," and I really hope she wins. I would dump all of the other nominees (Cheryl Hines, Megan Mullally, Elizabeth Perkins, and Alfre Woodard), as there were much better candidates that got ripped off. As mentioned above, Jenna Fischer on "The Office" is fantastic. My #3 pick would have to be Alyson Hannigan ("How I Met Your Mother"), and I swear it has nothing to do with my love for all things associated with Buffy. The last two spots should have been taken up by Jessica Walter, who was fabulous on "Arrested Development," and Alia Shawkat, ditto.

COMEDY SERIES
Another close one, but I give it to "The Office"- just barely- over "Arrested Development." Nothing against "Curb Your Enthusiasm" or "Scrubs," both of which are fine shows, but I'd put "The Simpsons" and "My Name Is Earl" in those spots. Sure, you could argue that "The Simpsons" isn't as funny as it used to be, but "The Simpsons" at 75% strength is still a hell of a lot funnier than most of the shit being passed off by the networks these days. As for the 5th spot (it should go without saying that "Two and a Half Men" isn't staying there, at least not on my watch), I say "Entourage." If you don't have HBO, it's worth it just for this show. And just because it's my blog, I'm creating a 6th slot and giving it to "How I Met Your Mother," because it deserves to be here.

That's enough for one day, I think. Check back later this week and I'll tackle the Drama categories.

Hair Today, Gone Tomorrow?

2006-08-14T23:27:00.000-04:00

I had a busy day yesterday (Sunday) as far as music is concerned. It all started when I took my daughter to the mall to see the Jonas Brothers, whose debut CD was just released. If you've never heard of them, well, then you're not a 12-year old girl. Think Hanson, but with a slightly harder edge. They played a four song acoustic set at FYE and then did a meet-and-greet afterwards. All three were extremely nice and signed my daughter's CD and thanked her for coming out and supporting them. Anybody who makes my daughter happy is OK in my book, and their music wasn't actually half bad. Very catchy pop tunes.

Sidebar- for those keeping score at home, my daughter has now met 2 of her favorite bands in the space of about 9 months (I've written previously about The Click Five, who we've actually met twice now) which hardly seems fair. I mean, I've been a KISS fan for longer than I can remember and had to wait over 25 years to meet them! These kids today don't know how easy they got it. End sidebar.

So after we finished up at the mall, I rushed to get home. Why? Because it turned out that Poison and Cinderella are playing at the Wildwood Convention Center, which is walking distance from my apartment. I hadn't bought tickets in advance because A) I wasn't sure about my work schedule, B) I wasn't sure if we'd be back from the mall in time and C) I actually didn't find out about the show until 2 days before.

A band I'd never heard of before, EndEverAfter, opened the show and actually were really good. They ripped through five songs, a nice slab of the kind of swaggering "Cock Rock" that you just don't hear anymore. You can hear a few of them at the link above.

Cinderella was next, and I was actually excited because I had never seen them live before even though they were one of my favorites in high school. Tom Keifer's voice was in rough shape; it turns out he actually has major damage to his vocal chords and needs to have surgery but didn't want to cancel the tour and elected to tough it out instead. I really felt bad for the guy- it was obvious that he was in severe pain. He must not speak for the rest of the day just to save his voice. In the end, the vocal difficulties didn't stop the band from delivering a high energy hour-long set that I really enjoyed, opening with "Fallin' Apart At The Seams" and "Push, Push." They also did "Night Songs," "Heartbreak Station," "Shelter Me," "Coming Home," "Don't Know What You've Got Till It's Gone," "Nobody's Fool," and "Gypsy Road" before closing with "Shake Me." Great stuff.

Poison I saw once before, about 15 years ago when they were at the peak of their popularity, and actually didn't think the show was very good (Warrant, who opened up, blew them off the stage that night). So I wasn't sure what to expect yesterday. My fears proved to be unfounded as I thought they put on a great show. My daughter is actually familiar with Poison and knew most of the songs and gleefully sang along as the band ran through "Look What The Cat Dragged In," "I Want Action," "We're An American Band," "I Won't Forget You," "Cry Tough," "Ride The Wind," "Fallen Angel," "Something To Believe In," "I Hate Every Bone In Your Body," "Every Rose Has Its Thorn," "Your Mama Don't Dance," "Unskinny Bop," "Nothin' But A Good Time," and "Talk Dirty To Me."

Then I went home, fell onto my bed, and passed right out. I think I'm getting too old for this shit.

Whoops...

2006-08-08T10:23:00.000-04:00

I meant to post this yesterday, but it's OK because it's not too late.

"Gene Simmons' Family Jewels" debuted last night on A&E network. Gene's latest endeavor is a reality series in the same vein as "The Osbournes" and "Hogan Knows Best." For those that missed it, it is being re-run many times during the week; check your local listings! There were two episodes last night, although I'm not sure whether or not that will be the case every week. The normal time to catch it is Mondays at 10:00.

As far as a review? I thought it was great. You always have to take these shows with a grain of salt and wonder how much is for the benefit of the cameras, but despite Gene being his usual pompous (yet strangely lovable) self, you can see the difference in his demeanor at home as compared to when he's working a red carpet. He can be the total rock star when he needs to be, but knows when to turn it off (Sebastian Bach, take notes). Here is a man who genuinely loves his family, and his kids, thankfully, seem to be incredibly intelligent, well-adjusted, and grounded...unlike other celebrity reality-TV offspring.

Whether you're a KISS fan or not, check it out.

Checking In

2006-08-01T21:54:00.000-04:00

I know it's been a while, but a lot has been going on. It's been a very busy summer so far, hence the lack of updates. Of course, I've still managed to see a bunch of movies this season.

Now, I'm not sure what's wrong with me, but I just really hated the new "Pirates of the Caribbean." I know I'm in a VERY small minority, but I thought the thing just really dragged on and on and on. Did nothing for me.

"Clerks II," on the other hand, was a blast. A very dirty, vulgar blast. If you didn't like or see the first "Clerks" then there's no reason to see the new one, but I thought Kevin Smith did a nice job in telling this tale. A lot different from the first, but just as funny.

On to the Wilson brothers. Owen is always very funny and continued to be so in "You, Me, and Dupree." Not a spectacular film, but definitely worth checking out. I felt the same way about Luke Wilson's "My Super Ex-Girlfriend." It sure didn't hurt to have Uma Thurman in the title role. I'm a sucker for anything remotely super hero related, a fact that probably made me like this more than it probably deserved. Just like "Dupree," not a great film, but not bad either.

Just today I took my daughter to see "John Tucker Must Die" and was pleasantly surprised. I wasn't expecting much, but I thought it was far above average for a high school flick. Lots of very funny moments.

That's about it on the film front, I guess. Not much else to say, so I'll sign off for now. Hopefully it won't be as long between posts next time.

Summertime

2006-07-07T09:34:00.000-04:00

As a waiter down at the Jersey Shore, I am now officially in the busiest time of year, so my time is limited for the next two months. I will try to post as often as I can, but don't expect the next great American novel. Here's some random stuff.

One of my 53 cousins got married this past Monday. It was quite a grand shindig with fantastic food and a good time was had by all. Congrats again to him and his bride.

On the way back home from the wedding (which was followed the next day by a great 4th of July BBQ), I stopped and saw "The Devil Wears Prada." Some folks are dismissing this as a "chick flick." It's really not. I enjoyed it a great deal. It's not laugh-out-loud humor, but it is funny. Anne Hathaway and Meryl Streep are both fantastic.

The Emmy awards were announced this week. Lots of surprises and omissions, but I won't go into detail today. Expect a more comprehensive look at this year's awards as we get closer to the ceremony in September.

Florida, Nacho, and Superman

2006-06-28T21:19:00.000-04:00

I had a great time in Florida last week. Our flight on Monday morning actually arrived early, and me and the fruit of my loins were already in my Dad's car with our luggage at the time we were actually scheduled to land. Within 2 hours we were cruising the Everglades on an airboat and saw a bunch o' gators. My daughter even got to hold one. The heat was unbearable, though, so we spent the rest of the afternoon in the pool. Very refreshing. Tuesday we spent a nice day indoors at the Discovery Kids Science Museum and also got to check out the IMAX "Deep Sea 3-D" movie which was pretty cool. Wednesday we went to the Rapids water park, where I learned that my fragile old body can't handle water slides as well as it used to. I'm still sore a week later. Thursday we took it to the cinema and checked out "Nacho Libre." I've been looking forward to this one for a while now, and I must say it did not disappoint. Jack Black delivered the goods as usual. I can see how it wouldn't be everybody's cup of tea, but it sure as hell was mine. Great stuff. We also had a nice dinner at the restaurant where my youngest brother formerly worked, and my youngest sister currently does. It was a great little Italian place. Friday before flying out we went to a place called Boomer's, which is like a mini amusement park. Raced some Go-Karts and rode a pretty decent wooden coaster. All in all it was a great trip.

Moving on, "Superman Returns" opens today, and I just got back from the show. Holy Toledo, folks. Stop reading this right now and go f***ing see it already. If you have any doubts at all, consider them erased. Everybody involved did a stellar job from top to bottom. Bryan Singer, I salute you. Kevin Spacey as Lex Luthor is (not surprisingly) brilliant and Kate Bosworth is a fantastic Lois Lane. But the real burden falls on the shoulders of relative newcomer Brandon Routh, who handles it all with apparent ease. Routh is an absolute revelation as the Man of Steel. When I first saw pictures of him last year in the tights, I was not impressed. I had him pegged as too much of a pretty-boy. I was way off base. An absolutely magnificent film from beginning to end. I can't imagine I'll enjoy another movie this year as much as this one.

By the way, get to the theatre early. There was a preview for next year's "Spider-Man 3," which looks to be outstanding.

Random Thoughts, Then Vacation

2006-06-16T11:48:00.000-04:00

I don't have much to say today, and I'm leaving for Florida for a week to visit family so I won't be updating again until after my trip. So I'll tide everybody over with some random nonsense until I return.

If you haven't seen Vh1's "SuperGroup," it should not be missed. Sebastian Bach is clearly not living on the same planet as the rest of us, although his genuine love for what he does shines through.

Also on the TV front, Phil Hellmuth has taken over as the poker expert on the latest season of "Celebrity Poker Showdown." I already miss Phil Gordon. Hellmuth seems very uncomfortable and just doesn't offer as much as Gordon did.

And with that segue, I picked up Phil Gordon's "Little Green Book" a few weeks ago on my brother's recommendation and it is absolutely fantastic. I played a tournament online the other day after finishing the book, and ended up taking 3rd place out of 120 entrants. It was only a $5 entry fee and my finish earned me $75. Not a bad return on my investment. Anybody who is serious about poker should check it out.

Moving on to the movie theatre, I've seen a slew of films over the past two months. In a nutshell, I loved "Mission: Impossible III." A huge step up from the lackluster second effort. On the flipside, "X-Men: The Last Stand" was a bit of step down from the incredible second chapter, although I still enjoyed it. Pixar's "Cars" extended that studio's incredible run; in my opinion, they have yet to make a movie that is anything short of extraordinary. Also on the animated front, "Over The Hedge" was very enjoyable. Steve Carrell stole the film as an over-excited squirrel. "Poseidon" was just okay. Nothing spectacular, but it didn't suck, either. Next up, Jack Black in "Nacho Libre" and the highly anticipated "Superman Returns."

More to come when I return next week.

Check It Out

2006-06-01T22:34:00.000-04:00

For those interested in these kinds of things, VH1 last night aired the first "VH1 Rock Honors." It was a two hour program designed to pay tribute to KISS, Queen, Judas Priest, and Def Leppard. Each band's segment took up 30 minutes, which included a brief video retrospective of their careers, a cover performance by another band, and a performance from the honorees themselves.

I would recommend everybody check this special out, if only for the show-stealing performance during KISS' segment. No, not their performance, but the cover song. A one night only "supergroup" was put together to play "God Of Thunder," and they absolutely blew everybody else off the stage. The band featured Rob Zombie on vocals, Tommy Lee on drums, Scott Ian on bass (yes, bass), and guitarists Slash and Gilby Clarke. But wait, there's more...Zombie announced that they needed one more guitarist and bought out Ace Frehley. It was absolutely surreal to see the Spaceman himself rip up the stage (and he looked better than he has in years, by the way) only to be followed by KISS playing with Tommy Thayer in Ace's old makeup. Weird stuff.

At any rate, that one song is worth looking through the TV listings to see when the show is on again.

A Sad Coincidence

2006-05-29T21:53:00.000-04:00

Over the weekend, Bravo was airing a four-part special listing the 100 funniest movies of all time. Like every other show of this kind, there were clips of different people discussing their favorites. Actor Paul Gleason was all over this thing, discussing lots of different films. For those who may need their memory jogged, Paul Gleason was best known as Principal Richard Vernon in "The Breakfast Club." Every time he came on screen during this special, a smile came across my face remembering how great he was in that film. I've seen him in a ton of other things and always enjoyed his work (and for the record, imdb.com lists 131 credits to his name).

I came home from work tonight and my Yahoo page presented me with the sad news that Paul Gleason had passed away at age 67.

Show Dick some respect.

The Price You Pay

2006-05-25T22:25:00.000-04:00

My computer crashed earlier this week. I came home from work one night to find the power light on and the fan running, but the computer itself not actually operating. I turned on the monitor and found a blank screen. Nothing was working. I tried every button to no avail. Finally, I just pulled the plug on the damn thing. A few minutes later I tried plugging it back in...and the power light instantly popped on and the fan started running again.

Now, I'm not an expert but I'm not a dummy, either. I've successfully repaired my computer before; hell, I even changed the hard drive a few years ago. But I knew instantly that I was out of my depth. Begrudgingly, I bought the beast into a PC repair shop by me. Turned out that the power supply blew and fried the motherboard along with it. It was going to cost me a couple of hundred bucks, which was a bummer at first. I soon realized, however, that the money wasn't the real price I was going to pay. No, the real price was not having the internet for four days. By the time I got my machine back, I felt like a junkie going through detox. Ever see "Trainspotting?" You know the scene where Ewan McGregor is locked in his bedroom for a week with no drugs and he starts seeing dead babies crawling on the ceiling? It was kind of like that.

I'm all better now, though. The computer is back and up and running now. The first thing I did was check my e-mail. After four days, I had approximately 97 messages waiting to tell me how to enlarge my penis. God, I love the internet.

50/50

2006-05-08T07:50:00.000-04:00

Just a quick note about my predictions for the NHL Playoffs. I went 4 and 4. If I was playing baseball, that's a .500 average and I'd be the greatest hitter of all-time. I think A LOT of people were shocked with the way the Western conference played out; all 4 of the top seeds lost their series. My original pick to win the Cup, Ottawa, is still in it, but I think my money would have to be on New Jersey at this point (despite the shellacking they just took in Game 1 of Round 2).

Bottom line: My Rangers aren't in it anymore, so who gives a shit anyway? At least the Yankees seem to be winning now.

Mission: Unwatchable

2006-05-02T23:05:00.000-04:00

A couple of weeks ago, the first two Mission: Impossible movies were re-released on DVD in a special double pack which included a free pass to see M:I III when it opens this week. For only $19.99 for both films, plus the free pass, it was a hard bargain to pass up.

I actually hadn't seen either film since they were out in theatres, and upon re-watching them with a fresh perspective, I came to a rather startling conclusion...

Mission: impossible 2 really sucked. Hard.

Maybe it was a result of watching the two within a couple of days of each other. The first M:I was a cleverly constructed thriller with lots of intrigue, whereas M:I 2 was an overly noisy visual spectacle with virtually no substance.

Considering the talent involved, it shouldn't have turned out to be such a piece of crap. Despite most of his American-made stuff not being on the same scale as his earlier work, John Woo is still an extremely talented filmmaker ("The Killer" is in my all-time Top 5). And, even though I'm fairly certain that Tom Cruise is completely out of his mind and needs serious pharmaceutical assistance, he rarely makes a bad movie. But there it is: a big steaming pile. Go watch it again if you don't believe me. In the meantime, I'll be heading out in a few days with my fingers crossed to see M:I III. If it sucks again this time, at least I got in for free.

The Rangers' "Backlash"

2006-04-26T22:37:00.000-04:00

Well, after a surprisingly fantastic regular season, the Rangers are being completely embarrassed in the first round of the playoffs and are one game away from going home. What a time for a slump! For those keeping score at home, it's too early to see how all of my playoff predictions have fared. I'll update things after the first round is over.

So now I need something to distract me from the depressing turn of events that hockey has dealt me...oh, look! This Sunday, WWE has another Pay-Per-View, "Backlash." I'm not going to spend any money on it except for the two cents I'm going to put in right now:

WWE CHAMPIONSHIP (TRIPLE THREAT): JOHN CENA vs. TRIPLE H vs. EDGE
I thought for sure that Hunter was going to win the belt at WrestleMania last month and I was wrong, but that won't stop me from picking him again. None of them would be a surprise, however. I personally would like to see Edge take it and be given more than 3 weeks with it this time; he's at the top of his game right now.

SHAWN MICHAELS & "GOD" vs. VINCE & SHANE McMAHON
I stated right on this page after WM that the Vince/Shawn feud should have ended that night after their stellar No Holds Barred match. Instead, they have dragged it out so far that even I, one of the LEAST religious people you could ever meet, am appalled and offended with how it has transpired. Honestly, if there is indeed a God, Vince McMahon is going to burn in hell after this travesty. And I pray to Him to end this feud for real this time, after He helps Shawn win again.

INTERCONTINENTAL CHAMPIONSHIP: SHELTON BENJAMIN vs. ROB VAN DAM
RVD's "Money In The Bank" contract is also on the line in this match, which should make it a lock for him. Should be a five-star match with the talent involved; Benjamin may be one of the best young athletes ever to compete in WWE.

KANE vs. BIG SHOW
Kane has a new movie coming out which portrays him as an unstoppable killing machine, and since they have turned him heel (again) to keep his in-ring character in line with the movie, look for him to get the win here. For the record, though, it was one of the worst heel turns EVER. Who the hell thought it was a good idea for a tortured Kane to be hearing voices in his head...that the viewers could hear as well??? Very poorly executed.

WOMENS CHAMPIONSHIP: MICKIE JAMES vs. TRISH STRATUS
WM re-match, which I think will have the same result. Mickie wins.

CARLITO vs. CHRIS MASTERS
I still think it was a mistake to turn Carlito face, but I guess we're stuck with it. Look for Masters to win (not cleanly) to keep this feud rolling along for a while longer.

RIC FLAIR vs. UMAGA
How original, a wild Samoan character! We've certainly never seen this gimmick before! Ugh. Since he just debuted, though, it looks like Umaga will get the nod here.

Final thoughts: The only two matches I really care about are the WWE Championship and the IC Championship. It's just not a strong enough card to get me to shell out my hard-earned ducats. The Tag Team Championship is sadly not represented; hopefully the Spirit Squad will get some sort of air-time during the PPV anyway.

Playoff Fever - Catch It!

2006-04-19T23:25:00.000-04:00

The Stanley Cup Playoffs start on Friday, and...holy crap! For the first time since 1997, my beloved New York Rangers aren't sitting home watching the games on TV like me. It was heart-breaking to see them lose first place on the final game of the season, but what can you do? After nine years, I'm thrilled to have them be in the hunt no matter what. For my money, the run for the Cup is THE MOST exciting time of the year. Here's my thoughts on the whole shebang.

WESTERN CONFERENCE
(1) Detroit Red Wings vs. (8) Edmonton Oilers
The mighty Red Wings finished the year by winning the President's Trophy (awarded to the team with the best record in the league each year) and are always a force to be reckoned with. I say Detroit in 5.

(2) Dallas Stars vs. (7) Colorado Avalanche
Colorado isn't the same team they were two years ago and Dallas is always strong, but something in my gut is saying the Avs will take it in 7.

(3) Calgary Flames vs. (6) The Mighty Ducks of Anaheim
The Flames will win in 6, just because I still think the Ducks is a stupid name.

(4) Nashville Predators vs. (5) San Jose Sharks
San Jose came on real strong in the stretch-run, winning eight straight, so they have tons of momentum. But both teams were phenomenal on home ice this year; Nashville, with the higher seed, has home ice advantage, so I'll pick them in 6.

EASTERN CONFERENCE
(1) Ottawa Senators vs. (8) Tampa Bay Lightning
The Lightning, defending Stanley Cup Champions, won't make it out of the first round this year. Ottawa is a powerhouse (and, in fact, my pick to win the Cup). Look for a sweep.

(2) Carolina Hurricanes vs. (7) Montreal Canadiens
Klaus Meine would be proud. The Hurricanes will rock Montreal in 5.

(3) New Jersey Devils vs. (6) New York Rangers
Jesus Christ, this is bad. If you had told me two weeks ago that the Rangers were to face the Devils in Round One, I would have been frigging ecstatic. Then that pack of Satan worshippers won ELEVEN games in a row to finish the season and catapult into first place in the Atlantic Division. God Damn Devils. My heart is screaming for NY, but my brain says NJ in 5. I pray I'm wrong.

(4) Buffalo Sabres vs. (5) Philadelphia Flyers
My one consolation if the Rangers get knocked out is knowing that the hated Flyers will be right behind them. Buffalo in 6.

Hmmm...I've just realized that I picked the top 4 seeds to all win in the east. Usually there's some kind of upset, so...Rangers in 7!!!

I'll keep everybody posted as things progress. NOTE: I am notoriously bad at predicting these things, so this entire column has been a total waste of your time. Sorry.

Doubles Down

2006-04-12T23:20:00.000-04:00

I have what I would like to think is a fairly respectable DVD collection; 211 at last count. But as the collection grows, some larger questions arise:
1. When will I have time to watch all of these damned things I keep buying? and
2. Do I really need all these crazy "Special Features" anyway?

It turns out the two questions go hand-in-hand, actually. Bottom line: I have NINE movies sitting on the floor in my living room that I have bought in the last month but not watched yet. Next to those are THREE T.V. boxed sets that are also unwatched. These are all on the floor because if I put them away in the cabinet with all the others, they would probably go unwatched even longer. I just don't have that much free time. I'll get to them eventually, don't worry. That's not the point.

I hear you all thinking now: "So what the fuck is the point, then?" The point is this: My current situation has caused me to re-think my buying habits, and the movie studios and retailers have been gracious enough to give me a push. There's been a recent trend in DVDs to release two editions simultaneously: A single-disc edition with just the movie, and a two-disc special edition with all the bells and whistles. Oh, sure, it's been done before, but it's much more pronounced nowadays. In the last few weeks alone, three of this past year's biggest films (King Kong, the new Harry Potter, and Narnia) have all been released with one- and two-disc editions. Here's the rub: The first week they all went on sale, my retailer of choice had the single discs for $13.99 each. I don't remember all the prices of the doubles, but it was considerably more (around $7-$10 each).

So I started reminiscing, and looked over all the DVDs in my collection. I've watched most of the actual films several times, but how many times have I watched the special features? Once. Sometimes not even that. There's literally HOURS of stuff about The Lord Of The Rings that will forever remain on a part of the disc that no laser has ever touched.

Don't get me wrong, I have enjoyed most of the special features I've watched. But the point is, do I want to spend $10 extra for something I'll never watch again (and maybe not at all)? This "collector's mentality" that was developed in me from twenty years of buying comics was screaming in the back of my head to buy the double discs, but time and money were both singing a different tune.

I bought the single-disc editions of all three.

WrestleMania 22

2006-04-04T22:08:00.000-04:00

I know there's a couple of fellow wrestling fans that check this space out, so I thought I'd present my thoughts on this past Sunday's big show. I actually wanted to put my predictions in but I never got the chance, so instead you're stuck with my post-show musings. I'll rate the matches from Zero to Five stars.

WORLD TAG TEAM CHAMPIONSHIP: Kane and The Big Show retained their belts against Carlito and "The Masterpiece" Chris Masters. Solid opening bout, but the result was not even close to surprising; Kane pinned Carlito after Masters accidentally hit his own partner. This match was obviously more setup for the inevitable break-up of the Carlito/Masters team (which happened the following night on RAW). A bit disappointing because it looks like Carlito will be the face, but he's one of the most effective heels on the roster. ** for the match, Zero for Carlito turning face.

MONEY IN THE BANK LADDER MATCH- Matt Hardy/Shelton Benjamin/Rob Van Dam/Finlay/Bobby Lashley/Ric Flair: Great match and good to see RVD pick up such a high-profile victory. This was the second year in a row for this match; I hope it becomes an annual contest, as it really gives a spotlight for some deserving workers to shine. It was also the second year in a row that Shelton Benjamin stole the match. **** match, ***** for Benjamin's performance.

UNITED STATES CHAMPIONSHIP- JBL won the title from Chris Benoit (while using the ropes for leverage). Any match with Chris Benoit is going to be above average but I think it was missing a little something, probably because this feud is just getting started. After JBL's tainted win, I expect the next time they meet there will be more intensity. **1/2 match, ***** for the guy in the front row with the sign that had a picture of JBL next to a bag of Slim Jims ; Above the dried meat it said "BEEF JERKY" and above JBL it said "BEEFY JERK." Best sign of the night.

HARDCORE MATCH- Edge defeated Mick Foley. Fantastic. This is what should separate Pay-Per-Views from regular TV more often. Most PPVs don't seem to offer anything different from what you see week in and week out on RAW or Smackdown. I'd buy more of them if there was a guarantee I'd see something like this. By the way, I'm not just talking about the blood. It's all about intensity and the feeling that I'm watching something special. ***** match.

2 on 1 HANDICAP- The Boogeyman defeated Booker T and Sharmell. I am dumbfounded as to why this clown is being forced down the fans' throats every week. Booker and his wife have been a real highlight on Smackdown for months, and this is how he's rewarded? I hope Vince McMahon was watching the monitors backstage and noticed the crowd's complete indifference. Actually, that's not true. "Indifference" would indicate a lack of response, there was actually a very loud "BORING" chant...which is even more impressive when you realize the match was UNDER FOUR MINUTES LONG. Zero stars for the match and The Boogeyman, ***** for Booker T just because he needs to be recognized.

WOMEN'S CHAMPIONSHIP- Mickie James ended Trish Stratus' year-plus reign on top. A bit longer than usual for a women's match (almost nine minutes), but the months-in-the-making story and talent involved deserved it. I was surprised to see the crowd so solidly behind Mickie. Her facial expressions and the crowd's response almost made this a **** match, but there was a badly blown spot towards the end that sucked some of the wind out of the finish. So, ***.

CASKET MATCH- The Undertaker improved his WrestleMania streak to 14-0, easily dispatching of Mark Henry. Just as Chris Benoit makes any match better, Mark Henry will always bring it down. His ten-year contract expires later this year, and I can't imagine him getting another. Solid work from The Undertaker saved this one, including an incredible dive over the top rope AND the casket below onto Henry. **1/2 stars.

NO HOLDS BARRED- Shawn Michaels defeated Vince McMahon in another fantastic match. Take everything I said above about the Edge-Foley match and apply it here. Not a scientific wrestling clinic by any stretch of the imagination, but it wasn't expected or necessary. Here's a simple equation: Solidly Built Storyline + Charismatic Workers X Hot Crowd = ***** match. My only qualm (which doesn't affect this rating, because it happened 24 hours later on RAW) was the announcement that the feud will continue into next month's PPV. This should have been the end.

WORLD HEAVYWEIGHT CHAMPIONSHIP- Rey Mysterio was deservedly crowned the new champ, defeating Randy Orton and the now-former champ Kurt Angle in a triple threat. ***** for the workers involved and for the decision to give Rey the strap. Unfortunately, the match itself is only going to get ***. Why? First of all, it was WAY too short. A WrestleMania World Championship match clocking in at under 10 minutes??? There was some great action in the little amount of time the match was given, but the finish seemed to come out of nowhere and there was no real drama. Also, the impact of Rey's win was diminished when he tapped out to the Angle Lock only a few minutes into the match (Orton was distracting the ref, who missed the submission). A real letdown.

PLAYBOY PILLOW FIGHT- Torrie Wilson beat Candice Michelle. Memo to Vince McMahon: In this day and age, people who want to see half-naked chicks roll around can see it anytime they want on the internet for free. And the ones on the internet won't be HALF naked, they'll be ALL naked. And they won't be rolling around, they'll be...well, never mind about that right now. The point is, I paid 50 bucks for this? No, thanks. Negative 100 stars. An abomination. While I'm here, more negative stars for the decision to put this match on while MNM, the WWE Tag Team Champions, are sitting backstage and not defending their titles on the biggest show of the year. Inexcusable.

WWE CHAMPIONSHIP- In a real shocker, John Cena defeated Triple H by submission to keep his title. Great match with lots of back-and-forth action and near falls. This was what I expected from the triple threat earlier. ****.

BEST MATCHES:
1. Foley-Edge
2. Michaels-McMahon
3. Cena-Triple H

Small World Wide Web

2006-03-29T23:21:00.000-05:00

The internet is truly a wonderful thing. A recent example: I was bored a few weeks ago so I started messing around on MySpace, just doing searches for friends of mine that I lost touch with over the years (you can see my page at myspace.com/strutter71). Lo and behold, I actually found not one but two friends that I used to work with...both of them from England, no less! It's really remarkable when you think about it. Just a few short years ago those friends would have been lost forever. In addition, one of them remembered what a fondness I have for really warped British humor and recommended a show called "The Mighty Boosh." After some research, I discovered that although "Boosh" has aired over here on BBC America, the DVDs are not available on this side of the world. But once again, the mighty internet came through; I was able to download the entire series (never you mind how) and have thus far enjoyed it immensely. Really really funny stuff.

So let's hear it for the World Wide Web, and a big shout out to my mates Dal and Pitcher across the pond. Cheers!

What's On?

2006-03-15T23:47:00.000-05:00

Since I spent the past few months talking movies, I thought I'd switch it up today and go to my other great love, television. Here's a rundown of what I've been watching and enjoying so far this year:

SUNDAYS- "The Simpsons"
A slow TV night, but "The Simpsons" is always a must. You'll get arguments from people who say it is way below the standards it was at in the mid-90s...and they may not be far off. But a mediocre "Simpsons" is still light years ahead of the best of some other shows.

MONDAYS-"How I Met Your Mother," "24," "Monday Night War"
"Mother" is a really funny show that everyone should check out. The basic premise is a guy in the future is telling his kids the story of how he met their mother (hence the title, for my slower readers). That really only takes up the first 10 seconds of each episode, though, as we then go back to the present day where the story takes place. Neil Patrick Harris as the best friend is an absolute riot; folks who only remember him from "Doogie Howser" will be surprised. Bonus points for casting people from two of my favorite shows of all time, Alyson Hannigan ("Buffy") and Jason Segel ("Freaks and Geeks").
If you haven't checked out "24" yet, don't bother now as you've missed too much. The most intense hour of television every week is better than ever this year, and Kiefer Sutherland's Jack Bauer just may be the biggest badass ever. Go check out the previous seasons on DVD.
As for "Monday Night War," well, either you like wrestling or not. I am not ashamed to admit that I do. Nothing more to discuss here.

TUESDAYS- "Sons & Daughters," "The Amazing Race," "American Idol"
"Sons & Daughters" actually just debuted last week, and it's really good. Partly improvised and produced by Lorne Michaels, this show has delivered some decent bully laughs in the first couple of episodes. A large cast consisting of nobody you've ever heard of before (except maybe Dee Wallace and Max Gail as the mother and father), "S & D" in a nutshell is about the relationships between the members of a large dysfunctional family. Funny stuff that's worth a look.
After a lackluster family edition in the fall, "The Amazing Race" has returned to form with its latest trek around the globe. The cream of the reality crop.
As far as "Idol" goes....well, I must admit I never watched it before this season, and hadn't planned to this year. But I have a 12 year old daughter, and there you go. The fuckers pulled me in.

WEDNESDAYS- "Lost"
The greatest show around right now. Just like "24," though, if you haven't watched before now, don't bother. No pun intended, but you would be completely lost. Go watch the DVD of season one, then get the current season in a few months, so you'll be ready in the fall for season 3.

THURSDAYS-"My Name Is Earl," "The Office"
"Earl" is an absolute riot. Jason Lee headlines a stellar cast and delivers big-time laughs each and every week. Jamie Pressley as Earl's ex-wife Joy is a revelation and steals the show week after week. Nothing she has ever done before indicating she had a comedic talent like this.
As for "The Office," I must retract a post I made last year. When it first debuted late last season, I didn't care for it and told you all in this space to steer clear. I was a huge fan of the original British version, and didn't think this stacked up. When this season began, NBC put it on after "Earl" so I gave it a second shot. I went in with a more open mind than I did the first time and stopped comparing it to the brilliant originator...and every week I enjoy it more and more. "The Office" has developed a style all its own, and now stands comfortably apart from its predecessor.

FRIDAYS-"Friday Night Smackdown"
More wrestling.

SATURDAYS-"TNA Impact," "Saturday Night Live"
TNA is the #2 wrestling promotion. If you're a wrestling fan and haven't checked it out yet, you really should. It's moving to Thursdays in primetime in a few weeks.
"SNL" seems to get savaged in the press every single year by doom-sayers who say the show isn't funny anymore. It is.

So that's it in a nutshell. What are you all watching?

End of the Road

2006-03-03T08:25:00.000-05:00

Since this year's edition of the Academy Awards are this Sunday, I'm going to plow all the way through from 1996 to last year. The closer we get to the present, the harder it is to determine whether or not a lot of these films will ultimately pass the test of time. As a result, I may not have a lot to say about most of these.

Best Picture 1996: "The English Patient." Also nominated: "Fargo," "Jerry Maguire," "Secrets and Lies," "Shine." I never saw "The English Patient" and never plan to. "Fargo" would have been my choice, although I enjoyed "Jerry Maguire" a great deal. In other showdowns, Geoffrey Rush ("Shine") took Best Actor. I would have gone with Billy Bob Thornton for "Sling Blade." This year also saw the release of "Trainspotting," which received one nomination (Best Adapted Screenplay, which it lost to "Sling Blade"). "Trainspotting" should have received more nominations; it was an absolutely mind-blowing film and was easily the best movie of the year.

Best Picture 1997: "Titanic." The less said about this, the better. This was an even bigger travesty than the "Forrest Gump"/"Pulp Fiction" fiasco from a few years before this. Repeat after me, class: "L.A. Confidential." "L.A. Confidential." "L.A. Confidential." The Academy should be embarrassed, not only for picking that overblown boat story, but also for COMPLETELY ignoring the performances of Russell Crowe, Guy Pearce, and Kevin Spacey. A black mark in the history books.

Best Picture 1998: "Shakespeare In Love." Take everything I said above, but change the words "L.A. Confidential" to "Saving Private Ryan." Absolutely unforgivable.

Best Picture 1999: "American Beauty." Ah, I feel much better now. It also took home statues for Best Actor (Kevin Spacey), Director (Sam Mendes), and Screenplay (Alan Ball). Great movie, great choice.

Best Picture 2000: "Gladiator." And Russell Crowe was finally awarded for his performance in the same. Another good year.

Best Picture 2001: "A Beautiful Mind." Dull. Predictable. I'm sorry, but I just didn't like this movie. "The Lord of the Rings: The Fellowship of the Ring" should have won, but we all know that everybody was waiting for the third film to arrive to award the series. This was also the first year of the Best Animated Feature category, which went to "Shrek." I have mixed feelings on this category. On the one hand, I am happy that the Academy is finally giving this genre the respect that it is due. On the other, the problem is that BECAUSE of this category, animated films will never again be nominated for any big awards. Pretty much EVERY movie Pixar has ever done ("Toy Story," "Toy Story 2," "A Bug's Life," "Finding Nemo," "The Incredibles," and the film that lost to "Shrek," "Monsters, Inc.") has been deserving of higher recognition. Most of them belong in the Best Picture category, and they should ALL should have been up for Best Screenplay.

Best Picture 2002: "Chicago." I actually liked it, but "Gangs of New York" was much better. Of course, "The Lord of the Rings: The Two Towers" was better than them both, but that's okay because...

Best Picture 2003: "The Lord of the Rings: The Return of the King." Yes, I am a geek, and yes, I am still thrilled with every aspect of this entire trilogy. The only complaint is that the Academy never gave any of the acting awards to anybody in these films.

Best Picture 2004: "Million Dollar Baby." I never saw any of the films nominated last year, so I have no comment. I heard "Sideways" was really good.

So there we have it. Now that I'm done with this whole experiment, I have no idea what I'm going to write about next time.

"Gump Dumps Pulp" and Other Stories

2006-02-23T08:10:00.000-05:00

No, it's not a Dr. Seuss tale. It's the true story of the 1994 Academy Awards. Somehow, a large group of voters decided that "Forrest Gump" was a better film than "Pulp Fiction." Not fucking likely. Hell, "Gump" wasn't even second best that year in my opinion, as "The Shawshank Redemption" was also nominated. "Pulp Fiction" was a nearly perfect film, brilliantly written, directed, and acted. Quentin Tarantino and Roger Avary took home the film's only statue, for the screenplay, although I believe that was only because "Gump" was in the other screenplay category ("Pulp" was Original, while "Gump" was Adapted). Even more criminal was Tarantino losing the Director award to Robert Zemeckis. I've seen "Gump." Once. I just don't get it. I actually spent a period of a few years being pissed off at Tom Hanks after these awards. With hindsight being 20/20, I admit that my rage towards Mr. Hanks was misdirected (and disappeared anyway after "Saving Private Ryan"). So, I hereby offer a public apology to Tom Hanks for my behavior. It doesn't change the fact that "Pulp Fiction" was robbed.

Also that year, in the only category that "Pulp" lost that didn't tick me off, was Martin Landau ("Ed Wood") winning Best Supporting Actor over Samuel L. Jackson. Classic performance. Tom Hanks' second consecutive Best Actor trophy should have gone to Morgan Freeman for the afore-mentioned "Shawshank Redemption."

Let's put this sorry episode behind us and move on to 1995. Ah, yes: "Braveheart." No complaints here. Easy choice for Best Picture, as the other nominees were "Apollo 13," "Babe," "The Postman (Il Postino)," and "Sense and Sensibility." "Braveheart" is fantastic, and Mel Gibson also took home a well-deserved statue for Directing. "The Usual Suspects" also came out that year, and took home Best Screenplay and Best Supporting Actor (Kevin Spacey). It actually should have been nominated for Best Picture as far as I'm concerned. "Suspects" (along with "Se7en," which was also released this year) is one of those movies that make me wish I would get amnesia so I could see it again for the first time. One other note: nice to see Nicolas Cage take home Best Actor.

I'll do another 2 or 3 years next time.

1991-1993

2006-02-14T10:37:00.000-05:00

I don't have a heck of a lot of comments on the Academy Awards in either '91, '92, or '93.

1991 was the year that "Silence of the Lambs" hit a grand slam, snagging statues for Best Picture, Actor (Anthony Hopkins), Actress (Jodie Foster), and Screenplay. Really tough to argue with this, as "Lambs" is a great film that holds up under repeated viewings. The only real competition for the Best Picture award was "JFK," which I'm sure Craig will argue should have won. I'm sure its loss is part of a greater conspiracy. Other notes: "Terminator 2: Judgment Day" took home 3 well-deserved technical awards, and was probably my favorite film of that year. Also, Disney's "Beauty And The Beast" was a surprise nomination for Best Picture; years later the Academy would institute a Best Animated Feature category to recognize the quality of these films. I have mixed feelings about that, and I will elaborate further when we get to that year.

Oscar did good work again in 1992, honoring Clint Eastwood's masterpiece "Unforgiven" with Best Picture, Director, and Supporting Actor (Gene Hackman). However, I believe Eastwood was robbed of the Best Actor statue as well, which went to Al Pacino for "Scent of a Woman." Much respect for Pacino, but his performance here was bloated and hammy. Seems like the Academy was awarding him for his entire career, rather than this particular role. Disappointing.

Let's move on to 1993. "Schindler's List" was considered a lock going in. It delivered, winning 7 awards, including Best Picture, Director (Spielberg), and Screenplay. Again an easy choice for the big award (the other noms were "The Fugitive," "In The Name of the Father," "Remains of the Day," and "The Piano"). Tom Hanks won his first Oscar this year for "Philadelphia." I still feel Hanks' greatest moment came in "Bachelor Party" years earlier, but apparently the Academy feels differently.

So, the Academy Awards have passed the test of time for 3 years in a row. Will 1994 continue the streak? I think we all know how that one turns out. Tune in next time for a giant fucking travesty.

Another Day, Another Decade

2006-02-01T22:39:00.000-05:00

It's Two-Fer Tuesday....shit, wait...never mind, it's Wednesday. Either way, I'm going to cover two years of Oscars again this week. First we'll finish off the '80s with 1989, and then move on to 1990.

1989 saw the release of my favorite film of ALL TIME...the movie I love so much, I named my first born after it 15 years later. Oscar apparently didn't love it as much as I, however, because "Heathers" didn't get any nominations. Certainly Christian Slater's finest hour, "Heathers" AT LEAST deserved a nod for best screenplay. Absolutely brilliant from start to finish. Ah, well. As sung in the film itself, "Que sera, sera...whatever will be, will be."

The actual awards? Best Picture went to "Driving Miss Daisy." I would have picked "Born On The Fourth Of July," but Oliver Stone did pick up the Best Director Statue. I didn't actually see "Daisy," though, so I guess I can't judge whether or not it stands the test of time (which was the whole point of this experiment to begin with, remember? Me neither).

Before we leave the '80s behind, one final note. Last week, when mentioning some of my favorites from 1987, I left out "The Lost Boys." So a big shout out to "Lost Boys," a really great movie with superb performances all around. If you MUST watch one Corey and Corey effort, this should top the list (although if, like me, you don't really consider this a Haim/Feldman vehicle per se, than "License To Drive" is a pretty good second choice).

Onward and upward and forward. 1990...ugh. "Dances With Wolves." I saw it. Once. It was actually pretty good. Would I ever watch it again? Hell, no. Life's too short. "Wolves" is a prime example of a really good film that you never want to see again (a more recent example? "A Beautiful Mind"). I certainly don't think it stands the test of time. So what else deserved the award? "Goodfellas" was also nominated. Folks, I'm sorry, but I need to come out of the closet here. I just don't get it. Maybe I'm not a mob guy. For the record, I also didn't like "Casino," "Scarface," or "The Godfather." Borderline sacrilege, I know, but I calls 'em likes I sees 'em. I know I'm WAY in the minority on those, so for all of you I will concede that, at the very least, "Goodfellas" was more deserving of the award than "Wolves."

Oh, looky over here..."Total Recall" also came out in 1990. I give Arnold an Honorary Oscar for that one. See you in 1991.

Double Team

2006-01-23T09:00:00.000-05:00

I'm falling behind here...didn't post last week. So to make up for it, I'll cover TWO years of Oscar ceremonies here, 1987 and 1988.

In 1987, the Academy gave a big giant hand job to "The Last Emperor," giving it 9 awards, including Best Picture, Director, and Screenplay. Not to take anything away from "Emperor," but '87 had a pretty large selection of quality films to choose from, and it seems they could have spread the wealth around a little. Hell, classics like "Full Metal Jacket," "Wall Street," "The Untouchables," and "Good Morning, Vietnam" weren't even nominated for Best Picture. For the record, the other 4 noms were "Broadcast News," "Hope and Glory," "Fatal Attraction," and "Moonstruck." I would have taken out all of those and replaced them with my picks. To be fair, Michael Douglas won Best Actor for "Wall Street," Sean Connery won Best Supporting for "Untouchables," Robin Williams got nominated for "Vietnam," and "Jacket" was up for Screenplay, so those films weren't exactly ignored.

Other notable films from '87 that I love (and freely admit are not Academy material): "Lethal Weapon," "Predator," and "RoboCop." And in the wishful thinking department, it would have been great to see Mandy Patinkin get a nod for his performance as Inigo Montoya in "The Princess Bride." Great stuff.

1988 was the year of "Rain Man," taking home Picture, Director (Barry Levinson), Actor (Dustin Hoffman), and Screenplay. Great film, not much to complain about there. One of Oscar's greatest moments in my eyes came when Kevin Kline won Best Supporting Actor for "A Fish Called Wanda." Kline's performance was absolutely masterful; kudos to the Academy for recognizing it. Notable mis-step: Tom Hanks was rightly nominated for "Big," a role which changed the trajectory of his career, but the film itself was shut out from the big one. I think it deserved a slot in the Best Picture race (the other spots were filled with "The Accidental Tourist," "Dangerous Liaisons," "Mississippi Burning," and "Working Girl").

Another non-Academy worthy release from this year that is a personal fave: "Die Hard."

I may double-dip again next time and cover 1989 and 1990.

1986- Platoon

2006-01-10T09:26:00.000-05:00

The 1986 Academy Awards ended with "Platoon" winning Best Picture, beating out "Children Of A Lesser God," "The Mission," "Hannah And Her Sisters," and "A Room With A View." "Platoon" is an absolutely fantastic film, and this marks the first occasion that I have 100% agreed with the Academy's choice since I started this little project. Oliver Stone also took home a statue for directing.

Not to keep jerking off to "Platoon" here, but I do think the Academy should have given Best Supporting Actor to either Tom Berenger or Willem Dafoe, who both lost out to Michael Caine for "Hannah And Her Sisters." Another favorite of mine, "Stand By Me," was nominated for Best Adapted Screenplay but lost to "A Room With A View," which is a great miscarriage of justice in my eyes, as well as those of Gorilla Monsoon (two of you will get that, and that's all I care about).

Not much else to say about 1986. Coming soon, 1987.

P.S. Apropos of nothing, but I went to the movies last week ("Chronicles of Narnia," which was great) and noticed that the pre-previews "infotainment" show is no longer called "The Twenty." Kudos to Regal Theatres, as I always thought that name kind of sucked. Of course, I can't remember now what they changed it to, so maybe they had something there after all.

Back To...1985

2006-01-04T08:19:00.000-05:00

The most fun part about looking back at all the old Academy Awards is seeing that some of my favorite films were nominated for awards that I either don't remember or never knew about. Example: Did you know that "Back To The Future" was nominated for 4 Oscars? Me neither (for the record: Sound, Sound Effects Editing, Song, and Original Screenplay). To be fair, two of those are technical, and one is really for Huey Lewis, but it's still not bad. One of these days Thomas F. Wilson will get an honorary Oscar for his portrayal of Biff Tannen, since he got ripped off in '85.

"Out Of Africa" won the big one this year, beating out "Witness," "Prizzi's Honor," "Kiss Of The Spider Woman," and "The Color Purple." I never have and never will see "Out Of Africa," so I can't comment on it. "Witness" was pretty fantastic, though. While looking over the other categories, I noticed "Mask" came out this year also. I really can't believe that didn't get more attention from the Academy. Cher and Eric Stoltz were both phenomenal, and I certainly think it should have at least been nominated for Best Picture.

The only other thing I remember from this year is that the Burger King by my school had a contest where if you picked the most Oscar winners you won a prize. I don't remember the details or what the prize was, but I know I didn't win. Anybody who's been paying attention to these last few posts shouldn't be surprised by my complete failure to predict the Oscar winners.

For all those who performed poorly in math class, next time out we'll be in 1986.

Oscar Caught Whacking Off

2005-12-28T08:00:00.000-05:00

Most of the major awards at the 1984 Oscars seemed to be a battle between "Amadeus" and "The Killing Fields." For the record, "Amadeus" was up for 11 statues to 7 nods for "Fields."

I'm not a fan of classical music by any stretch of the imagination, but I do vaguely remember enjoying "Amadeus" at least a little bit the one time I watched it about 20 years ago, which is more than I can say for "The Killing Fields." A few years back, a buddy of mine at work had it on tape, and insisted I watched it. He couldn't believe I had never seen it and assured me that I would be blown away. Well, it blew all right. I couldn't stand it, so I guess I'm O.K. with "Amadeus" winning Best Picture over it.

A classic film came out that year, however, that wasn't even nominated. I think it should have been, though: "The Karate Kid." It was certainly a better picture than "Amadeus." Pat Morita was nominated for Best Supporting Actor, but didn't win, which is an unforgivable crime (Haing S. Ngor won for "The Killing Fields.")

Other Oscar snubs: I know the Academy VERY rarely likes to award comedy, but Eddie Murphy in "Beverly Hills Cop" deserves some kind of recognition. One of the finest comedic performances of all time. Side note: the screenplay for "Cop" was nominated, but lost out to "Places In The Heart." While I'm on the subject, comedy is one thing the Oscars routinely screw up. It's much harder to make people laugh than cry, yet sentimental, by-the-numbers tearjerkers are given awards year after year while comedies are ignored. The Academy Awards should steal a page from the Golden Globes and have separate categories for Drama and Comedy. It's an idea that's way past due. After all, a few years back they established a new category for animated films, so why not do the same for comedy? Meanwhile, we'll laugh at the Oscars next time when we look at 1985.

An Off Year

2005-12-19T07:25:00.000-05:00

I don't really have much to say about the '83 Academy Awards. "Terms Of Endearment," possibly the biggest chick-flick of all time, dominated the Awards. The most competition came from "The Big Chill" and "The Right Stuff." "Endearment" has clearly stood the test of time, as tons of people still remember this movie very fondly, so I guess Oscar did okay this year. For the record, this isn't my kind of movie, but I'm clearly in the minority so who am I to argue?

Off the top of my head, a bunch of great movies came out this year, but you really can't make a case for any of them being snubbed for Oscars: Trading Places, WarGames, Return Of The Jedi, Mr. Mom, Strange Brew, Vacation, and D.C. Cab. Don't worry, Mr. T. Some day your Oscar will come.

Hopefully 1984 will give me something more exciting to write about.

Oscar Phones It In

2005-12-12T11:12:00.000-05:00

Today, we continue the year-by-year look at the Academy Awards, taking a peek at how their choices have fared over time. This time out, we're in 1982.

"Gandhi" was the big winner that year, taking home trophies for Best Picture, Actor (Ben Kingsley), Director (Richard Attenborough), and Screenplay.

I've never seen "Gandhi," so I can't comment on it. I'm sure it's a fine film, and I certainly can't take anything away from Ben Kingsley, who is always fantastic. Seems to me, though, that "Gandhi" followed the Oscar blue-print to a T. The academy can never seem to get enough of sweeping historical epics, especially ones based on folks as famous as Gandhi.

But guess what "Gandhi" beat out? A little film called "E.T. The Extra Terrestrial."

Like I said, I've never seen "Gandhi," but I'm pretty fucking sure it's not as good as "E.T." It may be better than the wretched E.T. video game for the Atari 2600, but not the movie. And Spielberg was robbed of the Director award for the second year in a row.

I guess the bottom line is life would be pretty boring if we all agreed on everything, which is what is making this little project so fun. See you in 1983.

The Test Of Time: First Of A Series

2005-12-06T08:18:00.000-05:00

Entertainment Weekly recently did a piece on "The 30 Greatest Sports Movies of All-Time." What caught my eye, however, was a little side-bar highlighting a few famous sports movies that didn't make their list for various reasons. Among them: "Chariots Of Fire," which won the Academy Award for Best Picture in 1981. EW felt that "Fire" just didn't stand the test of time, and noted that Warren Beatty's "Reds" probably deserved the Oscar that year.

This got me thinking, because it seems that every year when I watch the Oscars, there's always at least one head-scratcher, sometimes several. So I thought it would be fun to go back and look at past years and see how well some of the Academy's choices have aged over the years. I'll do this over the next few weeks, covering one year's awards each time. Maybe I'll even get enough mileage out of this to carry me through to this year's ceremony.

Since EW's comment about "Chariots Of Fire" got this whole thing going, I guess I'll start right there in 1981. And guess what? The magazine was right. In my humble opinion, "Chariots Of Fire" certainly did not deserve the Best Picture Oscar that year. But I sure as hell don't think "Reds" did, either.

A quick side-note before I reveal which of the other nominees I feel was not given what it so richly deserved. For some bizarre reason, I saw both "Chariots of Fire" AND "Reds" that year. IN THE THEATRES. Why is that so strange? Because I was 10 FUCKING YEARS OLD (making my younger brother, who also went to these flicks, only 8). For some reason, my Dad thought "Chariots of Fire" would be a great movie to bring two little kids to, with Mom apparently feeling likewise about "Reds." I remember both experiences being pretty horrific, with the torture of "Reds" made even worse because it was so damned long there was an intermission. That's right, an intermission. Anybody else ever experience this kind of unique hell?

Back on topic now. There was a quiet little picture also vying for the honor of being named Best Picture that year that you may have heard of. It's called "Raiders Of The Lost Ark." Test of time? Yeah, I'm pretty sure it passed. Sorry, Oscar, I think you missed the boat on this one. Steven Spielberg probably should have won the Director Oscar also, losing out to Warren Beatty.

Check back soon for an exciting look at Oscar '82.

"C.C., Pick up that soap, and TALK To Me!"

2005-11-21T14:02:00.000-05:00

News item for fans of really cheesy 80's glam rock life myself: C.C. DeVille, guitar player for metal icons Poison, has been sentenced to 80 days in jail for DUI. Apparently, he was backing his car out of his girlfriends driveway while completely wasted and slammed into a parked car, causing his air bags to deploy and injuring his passenger.

It seems that no matter how long ago someone's star has fallen, there is no statute of limitations in engaging in this kind of stupid, self-destructive "rock star" behavior. Somebody out there is walking around alive today, because thankfully this numbskull managed to crack up his car before he had the chance to get on the open road and kill someone. What a buffoon.

R.I.P. Eddie

2005-11-13T17:12:00.000-05:00

No jokes today.

Eddie Guerrero, one of the greatest wrestlers ever to step foot into the squared circle, was found dead in his hotel room today at the age of 38 by his nephew Chavo.

Guerrero had overcome many obstacles in his life, including a near-fatal car crash a few years ago and a long addiction to prescription painkillers. He fought through all of this to become WWE Heavyweight Champion last year and his career had never been going better. Eddie was one of the most talented and charismatic performers around, and he will be sorely missed.

Good Day

2005-11-05T22:57:00.000-05:00

Regular readers of this little corner of the web will remember a post not too long ago dealing with my daughter's obsession with The Click Five. Remember when you were a little kid and you first discovered music and decided that, whoever it was (KISS in my case), they were the greatest thing since sliced bread? Well, for her, it's The Click Five (SIDE NOTE: She still loves Avril Lavigne, but this Click Five thing is WAY beyond her devotion to Avril).

Well, last month she found out that they were coming to play by us at the House of Blues in Atlantic City, opening for Ryan Cabrera. I wasn't too keen on buying tickets to see an opening act, but they were only $25 each, so I got them. The show was Thursday night, and I've got to say, it was really a fantastic night, and one that will place me right in the running for Father of the Year Award whenever they give that out.

First of all, it was "GENERAL ADMISSION." So to ensure that my rather petite offspring had a decent chance at being able to see the stage, I wanted to get there early. We did, and I managed to get her right at the front, just slightly off to the left of center stage. After the lights went down and the curtain opened to reveal The Click Five standing barely five feet in front of her, only then did I realize how deep her love of these guys was. Because for the duration of their set (7 songs, roughly a half hour), she jumped up and down, screaming and singing along...with tears running down her little face the ENTIRE time. I didn't know until that moment just how much this meant to her (For the record, TC5 really put on a great show. The songs came across a bit more "rock" than their slickly-produced CD, and they've all got great hooks. I was impressed).

But it gets better. Emotionally drained, she decided she didn't need to stay up in front for Ryan Cabrera's set. She wanted to hang out in the back, away from the crowd, and just chill out. Besides, I still had to buy her a T-shirt. $40 later (T-shirt, poster, and 8x10 glossy color photo), I found out from the guy at the stand that the band was coming to do a meet and greet after the show...not backstage for the chosen few who had passes, but for EVERYBODY, right out on the floor.

About halfway through Cabrera's set, we saw a line starting to form over where the meet and greet was scheduled to be, so we joined the queue. After a much shorter wait than I anticipated (only about 5 minutes after Cabrera finished), TC5 came out to the table. The line moved along fairly quickly, and soon enough we were at the front. I can not stress enough just how nice they were to her; really, I'm sure they see thousands of people at these things every week, but all 5 guys took the time to smile and talk to her and just make her feel really special. Long story short, she went to school the next day with her brand new Click Five T-shirt, except this one said "To Heather" in black Sharpie on the top (yes, they asked her name), and was surrounded by their autographs (they also signed the 8x10, again "To Heather!", which I had framed Friday morning). So, thanks to Eric, Joe, Joey, Ethan, and Ben, for giving my daughter a night she will never forget, and a smile that's not going to come off her face for quite some time.

2005-10-25T22:39:00.000-04:00

DISCLAIMER: The following story is 100% true, and I will probably come across as a shallow asshole. Please note that this blog is called "The Shallow End of the Pool." You have full disclosure right there at the top of the page. For what it's worth, for any ladies out there, this is what guys talk about. All the time. You go to the bathroom in packs to talk about us, so fair is fair. Onwards.

At work the other night, I answered the phone and took a take-out order for somebody who was obviously dining alone that evening (one entree and one dessert). I gave the lovely-sounding young woman a total, asked for her name, and told her to come by in 15 minutes to pick it up.
I commented to the chef that she sounded really cute over the phone, and that it was a shame that she was eating dinner by herself. The following dialogue ensued:

CHEF: "Maybe she's not that cute."

ME: "Possible, but she sounded really cute."

CHEF: "What's the name?"

ME: "Ashley."

CHEF (after a brief pause): "There's no such thing as a girl named Ashley that's not cute, is there?"

ME: "I don't think so, no."

No real point to this story, except that I think he's right. There seems to be a small handful of names that only go to really attractive girls. Conversely, in the immortal words of John Bender, "Claire? That's a fat girl's name."

By the way, Ashley was not cute. She was positively gorgeous.

What's In A Name?

2005-10-17T23:22:00.000-04:00

Thanks to the fantastic book I'm currently reading ("Fargo Rock City" by Chuck Klosterman, which I can not recommend highly enough), I've been reminiscing quite a bit recently about a lot of the music I listened to back in my formative years. What I've realized is that a lot of the bands are still around in some form or another, but mostly with new members touring under the band names that made the few remaining original members famous to begin with. Lord knows this isn't exactly a new practice, but just because it has been going on for years doesn't necessarily make it right. I guess ultimately it doesn't really matter what I think, because as long as there is money to be made it will continue to be a common occurrence.

But just because it doesn't matter what I think doesn't mean I'm not going to bitch about it anyway. And I'd like to know what you all feel about this subject, too.

For example, Ratt. Yes, they are still around. But are they? Original vocalist Stephen Pearcy has been replaced by Jizzy Pearl (formerly of Love/Hate). In fact, the only two remaining original members are guitarist Warren DeMartini and drummer Bobby Blotzer. If a band is touring with only 2/5 of the lineup that made them stars back in the '80s, should they be allowed to use the Ratt name? I vote no. Legally, I guess, they can. But I at least think it's an insult to the fans to advertise "RATT" on the marquee and not be delivering 100% of the goods (which technically they can't, as Robbin Crosby passed away a few years ago). It's almost like a Ratt cover band.

Which brings me to Warrant. It seems that they might have a case for using the name, as they are currently touring with 4 out of 5 originals. But the one that's missing is Jani Lane, lead singer and co-writer of just about EVERY song in their repertoire (I just pulled out "The Best Of Warrant," and Lane is credited on 14 out of the 15 tracks). When a band was successful for such a relatively short period of time (in Warrant's case, roughly 3 years covering only two albums that would be classified as "hits"), it seems almost like stealing money from people to tour using the name without Jani Lane. Again, I guess legally they have the rights, but it still doesn't sit right with me.

This isn't just limited to lead singers being replaced, by the way. Sometimes it's the other members that get the boot, only to have the singer soldier on, still waving the band's original banner. Axl Rose has the nerve to call the bunch of misfits he's bossing around these days "Guns N Roses," but that doesn't make them Guns N Roses. As far as I'm concerned, GNR is dead and buried, and no matter whether Axl ever releases "The Chinese Democracy" (the long-delayed new album) or not, it's just plain wrong to stick the GNR logo on it. I'm actually kind of surprised; Rose is clearly so full of himself, you'd think he'd want to put his own name in big bold letters on the cover. Just picture it: "THE W. AXL ROSE PARADE (with friends) PRESENTS THE CHINESE DEMOCRACY."

And there are so many others that are open up to debate: Was Judas Priest still Judas Priest without Halford? Sabbath without Ozzy? Van Halen without Diamond Dave? So what does everyone think? Any other examples like these that really just burn you up? Or am I just making a mountain out of a molehill? Let's discuss.

GAME ON!!!!!

2005-10-05T22:49:00.000-04:00

After WAY TOO LONG, the National Hockey League returned tonight. All 30 teams were in action, for a full slate of 15 games. And my team, the New York Rangers, were featured on the very first national telecast on the NHL's new home network, OLN.

I just finished watching the game, and the mostly unrecognizable squad of kids wearing the Rangers sweaters played their hearts out and pounded the crap out of the hated Philadelphia Flyers, 5-3. It was such a beautiful sight, I almost shed a tear. After so many years of high-priced, free-agent veteran underachievers, I must say I really like the direction the team has taken. I don't expect them to play this well every night (or even make the playoffs), but at least they seem to have a plan for the first time since '94.

God, I missed you, hockey. Please don't go away again.

P.S.- On top of the glorious return of the NHL, the Yankees are beating the Angels 1-0 in Game 2 of the opening round of the playoffs. Happy Birthday to me.

Unforgiven

2005-09-15T09:15:00.000-04:00

It's been a while since I've done one of these, but I'm feeling particularly lazy today. So without further ado, my thoughts on this coming Sunday's WWE Pay-Per-View, Unforgiven:

WWE CHAMPIONSHIP- JOHN CENA vs. KURT ANGLE
This feud is just getting underway; in the long run I think Angle might take Cena's belt, but it's too soon. This one might end in a DQ or something to set up future matches.

INTERCONTINENTAL CHAMPIONSHIP- CARLITO vs. RIC FLAIR
All due respect to Flair, who is a bona fide living legend, but he has no business competing for a major championship anymore....unless he is used to put over a young guy. Which is what should happen here. Carlito wins, probably by cheating.

SHAWN MICHAELS vs. CHRIS MASTERS
Masters is getting a huge push right now, but I'm not convinced he'll beat HBK on a PPV. Give it to Michaels, but like the Cena-Angle angle, this one won't end tonight.

EDGE vs. MATT HARDY
Hardy has to win one against Edge eventually. I think tonight is it.

BIG SHOW vs. SNITSKY
Ugh. Show wins. That's all the space I'm giving to this.

TAG TEAM CHAMPIONSHIP- HURRICANE & ROSEY vs. CADE & MURDOCH
I love it when they take a guy who was on television for like a year (Cade), then take him away for 6 months and bring him back and try and pretend we've never seen him before. Hysterical. He's grown his hair and changed his first name but we don't know it's the same guy. And I hate that the Tag Team division is so pathetic right now that a team who has had exactly two matches to date are not only competing for the Championships, but doing so on a Pay Per View. And I hate even more that they are going to win. I hope I'm wrong, but if I'm right...well, that's just bad storytelling.

ASHLEY & TRISH vs. VICTORIA & TORRIE
Thank god Trish is back after a lengthy injury-related hiatus, because she's the only Diva that's worth a damn (yes, Craig, Torrie looks good, but she's complete shit on both the mic AND in the ring). Ashley & Trish will win. Next step is to get Trish back to being a heel again.

A Small Victory

2005-09-08T22:00:00.000-04:00

My daughter's latest musical obsession is The Click Five. If you ever watch any music video channels you've probably seen the video, since it airs roughly 97 times a day (I've seen it 27 times since yesterday). They describe their sound as "Power Pop," comparing themselves to Cheap Trick and The Cars. At any rate, my daughter saw on the band's official website that if you pre-ordered their debut CD "Greetings From Imrie House" directly from the site, it would come with a booklet autographed by the band (this actually has nothing to do with the story, but I thought it was a pretty cool thing to do, and it made her year when it came in the mail).

As fate would have it, on the very same day that she got the CD, she came to me rather sheepishly with a pretty bizarre question: "Hey Dad, did you ever notice something in the video?" As mentioned earlier, I have seen the video numerous times; the basic "plot" is that The Click Five land on the roof of a school via helicopter, and all the kids sneak out of class to catch the impromptu performance. The only thing I did notice was that the bewildered teacher who can't figure out where his students have gone is played by Peter Brady. But I had mentioned this to her earlier so I knew it wasn't that. I told her I didn't have a clue what she was talking about, so she said the words that she never wanted to say: "In the beginning when they show the school, I think the sign says Paul Stanley Prep."

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA.

Now, she has always made fun of my lifelong obsession with KISS, even insisting that I not pick her up from school wearing any KISS T-shirts lest she die of embarrassment. So, the fact that her favorite band may have been paying homage to the legendary KISS frontman had to be devastating. But I needed proof. We hopped onto the web and checked out the video there, although if we had just turned the channel to MTV Hits it probably would have been on within 10 minutes. Sure enough, the school's billboard clearly read PAUL STANLEY PREP. Intrigued, I needed to dig deeper. My first stop was to KISS' official website to see if anybody there noticed it. As it turned out, I didn't need to go any further, as a banner headline jumped out at me: "Paul Stanley and The Click Five." I read the story and laughed some more. My daughter, who had since retreated to her room, called out to ask what was so funny. "Bring me your CD," I shouted back. She bought it over and I took it from her, pulled out the booklet, and flipped it open to show her what I knew it already said: Track #6, co-written by Paul Stanley. "Oh, man," she moaned, "that was my favorite song!"

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA.

Since this discovery, I have gotten her back for nearly 11 years of being teased. She can't say anything bad about KISS anymore. It's a minor moral victory, but I'll take it.

P.S.: I have since listened to the entire CD, and it's not bad for what it is. "Power Pop" just like they advertised, although a bit more bubblegum than either Cheap Trick or The Cars. In addition to the Stanley co-write, a few tracks were written with Adam Schlesinger of Fountains Of Wayne, who do Power Pop better than just about anybody else currently out there. And Elliot Easton of the guitars supplies some guitar work. Plus, the keyboard player is actually rocking a kee-tar on the back photo. Anyone who rocks the kee-tar is OK in my book.

The Obligatory Poker Story

2005-09-02T11:09:00.000-04:00

I've been playing Poker online quite a bit recently. Usually nothing much of interest happens that is worth writing about, but I have noticed a slight trend.

SPOILER WARNING: If you don't know anything about Texas Hold 'Em or its terminology, the rest of this post will be completely meaningless to you.

The trend is this: An ALARMING number of people who play have ABSOLUTELY NO CLUE what the hell they are doing. And I'm talking about in the REAL MONEY rooms, not the Play Money. I practiced for months with Play Money before I even thought about attempting using my own hard-earned ducats. I just can't imagine taking money that I worked my ass off to get, only to just hand it over to total strangers for no reason (by the way, for the record, my real money adventures in online poker have netted me a profit...so far).

What I've noticed is that most people have no concept of raising pre-flop. When I'm not in a blind and am dealt any kind of a decent hand, you can be sure I'm going to raise, usually around 3 times the size of the big blind. It pushes out anybody who is not in the blinds with a marginal hand that may have called the blind, but, more importantly, prevents the blinds from seeing the flop either cheap or free. But when I am in the blind, NOBODY EVER DOES THIS. It's unbelievable to me how many times people have let me see the flop for free. Why would someone with pocket Queens simply call the Big Blind, allowing me to check my King-Seven off-suit and flop Two Pair or a Set? I guess I shouldn't complain, because it has led to me making some extra money, but the problem I have is that these people think they are AWESOME players, and drive me crazy with their whining when the cards don't go their way.

Here's a perfect example of the kind of person I'm talking about. I was in a single table Sit & Go yesterday, and playing very tight early on. Anybody with an ounce of Poker skill should have noticed that I wasn't getting involved in any pots. Then I was dealt pocket Tens and raised 3 times the blind. This one guy, I'll call him AssClown, calls. I flopped a set. I don't remember the exact details, but every round of betting I'd do a pot sized bet and he'd call. There were no overcards on the board, so I put him on a higher pocket pair than mine. I was right and I ended up taking a good size part of his stack. On the very next hand, I held pocket Aces. Again I raised pre-flop and again AssClown calls. After the last hand, I had more chips than him and he ended up All In. My Aces held up and AssClown was gone. But he began pissing and moaning from the observer box: "Fuck you, man, I could outplay you all day long, you just had two lucky hands in a row." I just ignored him and he went away, but the sad thing is that he probably really believes this, when the evidence clearly states otherwise. I had a very tight table image before those two hands, and then suddenly came out firing chips, and he doesn't have the poker sense to lay down? Apparently, AssClown, you can't outplay me all day long, but as long as people like you are out there, I'll happily keep taking your money.

We Don't Need No Education

2005-08-24T19:42:00.000-04:00

Two great new shows to talk about today: "Gene Simmons' Rock School" and "Tommy Lee Goes To College."

It should come as no surprise to most of you that I would be all over anything Simmons is involved with, and you would be right. "Rock School" (airing Friday nights on VH1 at 10:30, along with numerous replays during the week) is a real-life version of the Jack Black movie "School of Rock." Simmons (or MR. Simmons, as he is called here) travels to a stuffy British boarding school to teach a group of classically-trained pre-teens about Rock 'N' Roll, a subject they know nothing about. His goal: transform the straight-laced bunch into a bona-fide rock band, capable of opening a show for seminal British metal band Motorhead. Based on the premiere episode, Gene has a tough road ahead of him, but not as tough as these kids do. Simmons is in top form here, coming across as his usual bombastic, arrogant, self, but with a twist: When he's with the kids, you can see a softer side emerging. He's not just a rock star asshole; he cares about these kids. One of the youths in particular is a real misfit, and it's almost touching to see Gene empathize so well, and take the outcast under his wing, naming him lead singer of the band (understandable, as Simmons himself came to America at a very young age, without knowing a word of English, and spent most of his own youth ostracized from the "cool" kids). You don't have to be a fan of KISS to appreciate this show, and I can't recommend it highly enough.

I'm also enjoying "Tommy Lee Goes To College" (Tuesday nights on NBC, and re-shown Fridays on VH1 right before "Rock School"). Lee comes across as such a nice, regular guy here, that it's almost hard to believe that he's a big rock star. Nothing much of real substance here, as Lee is not REALLY enrolled at the University of Nebraska; he's merely attending classes for the TV show. But he is really trying, and is taking the whole endeavor rather seriously. Recommended mostly because Lee is just so affable, it's hard not to root for him.

Good Ol' Boys?

2005-08-15T21:48:00.000-04:00

I saw the new "Dukes Of Hazzard" movie recently with fairly high hopes. I wasn't expecting an epic on the scale of "Lawrence of Arabia," but I figured it would be some good, dumb fun. I left the theatre fairly disappointed. It was pretty dumb, but, well, I just didn't think it was funny. Was it supposed to be? It sure as hell was marketed that way. Johnny Knoxville and Seann William Scott both did fine work and were charming as heck as Bo and Luke Duke, but I just didn't laugh. Not once. Cool car chases? Check. Completely brain-dead plot? Right on. Burt Reynolds and Willie Nelson as Boss Hogg and Uncle Jesse, respectively? Perfect. Laughter? Completely absent. All in all, I guess it was an O.K. film, just not quite what I expected going in. My 11-year old loved it. Whoops, I just remembered, I did laugh once: If you've seen both this film and "Super Troopers" then you got the joke and loved it as much as I did. If not, explaining it would do no good.

I also saw "March of the Penguins." I'm not a huge documentary person or particularly interested in nature normally, so a nature documentary seemed to be exactly up the wrong alley for me. This was really super, though. Narrated by Morgan Freeman, "Penguins" documents an annual ritual for Emperor Penguins in Antarctica: a 70-mile walk across unforgiving terrain to the breeding ground where they mate once a year, only to try and keep the egg and, later, the chick that hatches from it, safe from the harshest winter on the planet. It's not the kind of movie I would necessarily want to buy on DVD and watch over and over again, but it is a fascinating look at a subject most people probably know nothing about. At different times it manages to be touching, sweet, sad, and funny. Highly recommended.

Mo' Movies

2005-08-07T19:30:00.000-04:00

At the risk of falling into a rut, I'm going to do more movie reviews today! And, despite the title of this post, I will not be talking about the Damon Wayans comedy "Mo' Money" (Fun Trivia Fact for those playing along at home: "Mo' Money" was the movie I took my wife to on our very first date. For some reason she still married me). And away we go...

WEDDING CRASHERS: Either Vince Vaughn or Owen Wilson individually turn up the humor quotient in any movie they are in. The two together are comedy gold. It's great to see a good old-fashioned R-rated comedy again. The great thing about this movie is that it doesn't use the R-rating as an excuse to just be filthy (although consider this a warning: it is filthy), but instead focuses on being FUNNY. Don't expect any Oscar nominations next year, just go and laugh your ass off. Side note: Is Rachel McAdams turning into this year's Jude Law? It seems she's in just about every movie nowadays.

THE BAD NEWS BEARS: I'm very conflicted about this one, because Billy Bob Thornton is genuinely funny in it, but I didn't care for it. I really wanted to, but I just didn't. Here's the thing: despite Billy Bob's hysterical performance, everything else around him kind of, well, sucked. The kids were all just horrendous, every one of them. Every time one of them opened their mouths, I cringed. The whole movie seemed rushed as well, which seems kind of odd, because the brilliant original film told the same story in a shorter running time. I never really bought Billy Bob's transformation from washed-up drunk who cares only about himself to reformed drunk who cares about the kids (and I hate to keep harping on this, but if the viewer doesn't like the kids, why should he or she give a shit whether or not Billy Bob does?). Skip this and go re-watch the Walter Matthau version again.

SKY HIGH: What a blast this movie is. A fun, light-hearted take on Super Heroes that simultaneously parodies the misery of high school. The basic plot is thus: the offspring of super-powered beings attend a hidden school floating high above the ground to learn how to properly use their powers (when they arrive on the first day of school, the always fantastic Bruce Campbell assigns them a label of either 'Hero' or 'Sidekick' based on their powers). The incoming freshman class includes Will Stronghold, whose parents happen to be the greatest heroes of all time, The Commander and Jetstream (Kurt Russell and Kelly Preston). Does this fact make school any easier for Will? As he says himself, "If life were to suddenly start being fair, I doubt it would happen in high school." This was one of the nicest surprises I've seen in quite a while, and I give it my highest recommendation.

Coming SOON: "The Dukes of Hazzard" and "March of the Penguins." I plan on seeing them both in the coming week and will post my thoughts here.

More Movie Madness

2005-07-20T10:05:00.000-04:00

A couple of weeks ago, I hit you with a bunch of mini-reviews of movies I have seen so far this summer. I've seen a couple more now, so without further ado....

FANTASTIC FOUR
My brother just ripped this apart on his blog (link is over there on the left sidebar), but I must say I enjoyed it quite a bit. I will concede his point that Dr. Doom just didn't seem dangerous enough; the would-be world conqueror from the comics was portrayed here as a slimy CEO who had a hard-on for the Fantastic Four. One would assume that in the inevitable sequel, which is set up for quite nicely in the closing moments, Doom will return with much greater ambitions. Until that aforementioned sequel comes, however, we are left with this, the "origin" film. It did take just a tad too long to establish some things (about 15 minutes could have been shaved off between the time the group had their outer space "accident" and the time their powers actually manifested themselves), but taken as it is, I just thought this was a really fun ride and I had a good time with it. They nailed the group dynamic amongst the Four themselves pretty well, and Chris Evans as The Human Torch was an absolute blast. All in all, this was an enjoyable summer popcorn flick, and I look forward to the next installment.

CHARLIE AND THE CHOCOLATE FACTORY
I had been looking forward to this for quite some time now, and I must say it was worth the wait. Johnny Depp is pretty much the greatest actor alive today, and his performance here is absolutely off-the-wall and positively brilliant. Depp's portrayal of Willy Wonka is the polar opposite of Gene Wilder's 1971 version of the character (and none of this should be taken as a swipe at Wilder's performance, which remains an absolute classic). Wilder's Wonka came across as a relatively normal guy who reveled in acting like an eccentric inventor with a devilish twinkle in his eye, while Depp's Wonka feels much more like he is an eccentric. You really believe that this man has been completely cut off from society for a whole bunch of years. This version of Roald Dahl's book is also much more faithful to the source material, with the Oompa Loompas in particular being recreated much closer to Dahl's original vision than they were 34 years ago. For those keeping score at home, Veruca Salt's expulsion from the factory is also taken directly from the book this time in one of the film's best sequences (the last movie created an entirely different method for Veruca to be eliminated from contention). This movie also has a bit more closure to it, as I always felt that the original ended rather abruptly. It's hard to not keep comparing the two films to each other, but I'm going to stop now, because this is really a fantastic movie that should be allowed to stand on it's own two feet. Go see it now.

Tagged?

2005-07-13T16:14:00.000-04:00

So, apparently I have been tagged by my brother over at his blog. I have never heard of this before, nor am I really sure what it entails. According to him, I am to remove the blog at #1 from the list on his page and add mine to the #5 spot. Then I list five things I miss from my childhood, and then finally, I tag some others in return to keep things moving.

Let me make one thing clear straight away: My brother sucks. Because not only has he already tagged the only other 2 people I know who have blogs (hence preventing me from keeping this whole process moving), but the f***er has also stolen most of my childhood memories!!!

Nevertheless, I shall persevere. Here is the list...

Cannot Be Trusted
Every Passing Moment
Sixty Seconds
Always the Last In Line
The Shallow End of the Pool

The five things I miss from my childhood:

1. The complete lack of responsibility. Is it nice owning my own home? Of course. But when I was a kid I didn't have to worry about paying my mortgage every month.

2. "Thee Arcade". That second "e" is not a typo. Thee Arcade was just down the block from school, and me and Jimmy Hall would pop in every day, get change from "Pops," and spend the afternoon playing "Double Dragon."

3. Imagine That Bookstore. I used to ride my bike over to this old bookstore every weekend to buy my comics. Immediately upon entering the store, that wonderful musty old smell of thousands of used paperbacks would wash over you. You just don't get that smell at Borders.

4. My early comic book collection. After many years of collecting, the sheer volume of comics became overwhelming, and I only read most of them once. But in those early days, I would read them over and over and over again. I know those issues of "Amazing Spider-Man" and "Uncanny X-Men" by heart.

5. The Commodore 128. That Bruce Lee game ruled.

As I said, I know of no one else to tag in return. I guess that's seven years bad luck for me.

Nothing Doing

2005-07-06T11:03:00.000-04:00

I know I haven't updated in a while, but I really haven't had much to say. This is the busy season for the little town I live in, so my life has mostly consisted of sleep and work for the past month, and will continue in that vein for the next two.

That being said, I have managed to get to my friendly neighborhood cinema several times over the past few weeks to catch a few flicks. Always eager for an easy way to fill up this space, here are my thoughts on what I've seen so far this summer at the movies.

STAR WARS EPISODE III: REVENGE OF THE SITH: A fantastic end to the space saga. I thought everything ended up being tied together very nicely, and George Lucas did a fine job of bridging the gap between this trilogy and the original. Not much to complain about.

BATMAN BEGINS: Wow. I loved the Tim Burton films, but this just blew the crap out of them. Everything you could possibly want from a Batman film. Joel Schumacher should watch this, then go invent a time machine so he can travel to the past and kill his younger self before he makes "Batman and Robin." Actually, good news, Mr. Schumacher: You don't have to, as this film is so good it should make everybody forget about that steaming pile.

THE ADVENTURES OF SHARK BOY AND LAVA GIRL IN 3-D: Robert Rodriguez is a fantastic filmmaker, but he can't win them all. To be fair, this really wasn't aimed at my age group. My 11-year old daughter loved it, for what its worth. The 3-D effects were decent, but effects do not make a story. Besides, we already saw all these tricks in Spy Kids 3-D. And that had Stallone. This one gives us....George Lopez??? No, thanks.

MADAGASCAR: I liked this more than I thought I would. Very enjoyable kids flick, with plenty of genuinely funny moments for the adults. Pixar's films are still the best of this generation of animation, though. This comes in a close second to all of those (Both "Toy Story's," "A Bug's Life," "Monsters, Inc.," "Finding Nemo," and "The Incredibles"). This was better than Shrek, which I liked a lot, but grew tired of very quickly.

WAR OF THE WORLDS: Just saw this yesterday, and was completely blown away. Spielberg can do no wrong, and Cruise's performance is so good that you forget that he's completely lost his mind in real life. Highly recommended.

The next 2 weeks are looking promising, as I plan on seeing "Fantastic Four" and "Charlie and the Chocolate Factory," and I also have 2nd row tickets to a WWE house show coming to my town. Stay tuned to his space for all the exciting details.

Backlash 2005

2005-04-29T08:13:00.000-04:00

This Sunday from Manchester, NH, WWE Raw presents their annual Backlash Pay-Per-View. Here are my thoughts and predictions:

WORLD HEAVYWEIGHT CHAMPIONSHIP: BATISTA vs. TRIPLE H
After the excellent job that was done building up this feud, I don't see them taking the belt off Batista so quickly. The big man will win again, but probably not by pinfall. Look for Ric Flair to get involved, leading to a DQ and a beat down of some kind, leaving Batista down and bloodied, and another re-match at the next Raw PPV.

INTERCONTINENTAL CHAMPIONSHIP: SHELTON BENJAMIN vs. CHRIS JERICHO
This should be a good match and could go either way, but I think Benjamin will keep his belt. I think they want to turn Jericho heel, and a loss here could send him over the edge.

SHAWN MICHAELS & HULK HOGAN vs. MUHAMMAD HASSAN & DAIVARI
Yeah sure, Hulk is coming back to lose a match. Look for Michaels to do most of the heavy lifting in this one to cover for Hulk's age, but Hogan will get the pin for his team. Don't feel bad for Hassan & Daivari; sure, they'll have to job to a well-past-his-prime Hogan, but they'll probably be put right into a Tag Team Championship spot as a reward (in fact, that ball already started rolling last week on Raw, when they put a beat down on Tajiri).

LAST MAN STANDING: EDGE vs. CHRIS BENOIT
I don't think they gave Edge the win in the 6-man ladder match at WM 21 last month only to have him lose a big one now. Look for Edge to take this one (though not cleanly) to keep his momentum going.

KANE vs. VISCERA
Ummm.....what the hell is Viscera doing on a PPV? I never thought I'd say this, but where the hell is Gene Snitsky? Needless to say, Kane should make quick work out of this lump.

TAG TEAM TURMOIL
A match so exciting that it wasn't even advertised on TV! That's right, there will be a 5-team Tag Team Championship match this Sunday, and it was never even mentioned on Raw. I just found it on the WWE website. At any rate, William Regal and Tajiri put the belts on the line against The Hurricane & Rosey, La Resistance, Simon Dean & Maven, and The Heart Throbs. As mentioned above, Muhammad Hassan & Daivari laid a beating on Tajiri last week, so I think Regal and Tajiri will keep the belts and go into a feud with the Arabs starting on Monday.

I'm Begging You. Please.

2005-04-26T16:48:00.000-04:00

Last Sunday was the season finale of "Arrested Development" on FOX. Despite universal critical acclaim and numerous awards (including a Best Comedy Emmy and a Golden Globe for star Jason Bateman), the show is in real danger of not coming back for a third season. Earlier this year, FOX cut back its order on the show from 22 episodes to 18, ending the season before the May sweeps.

The show tells the saga of the dysfunctional Bluth family, whose patriarch (the always brilliant Jeffrey Tambor) is imprisoned for some shady real estate business. The only normal member of the family, Michael (Bateman) now has to run the family business and try and hold the family together at the same time. This may be the most gifted ensemble cast in the history of television, which also features Portia DeRossi, David Cross, Will Arnett, Tony Hale, Michael Cera, Alia Shawkat, and Jessica Walter (possibly the highlight of the show, as Lucille, the lunatic mother). The entire cast has amazing chemistry, and the show does not dumb down any jokes; in fact, there is no laugh track, which is truly refreshing. Tying the whole affair together very neatly is the wonderful narration by (the uncredited) Ron Howard.

The only thing possibly saving the show is the aforementioned critical acclaim. So if the show does get picked up for next year, I'm begging you (all 3 of you) to spread the word and tell your friends and family to watch the greatest show on television today. Then maybe we won't have to have this conversation again next year.

Heavy Metal Memories

2005-04-14T08:41:00.000-04:00

I was looking though my CD collection the other day, and came across one that I decided had a pretty funny story behind it. Such a funny story, in fact, that I will share it with all 3 people that read this site regularly.

Back in 1992, me, my brother, a buddy of ours that we worked with at the bowling alley, his wife, and my girlfriend (now wife), went to see The Lynch Mob at a club in Sea Bright, NJ. We were all pretty jazzed to go see Lynch Mob, but they would not be what we remembered about that fateful night at the Jersey Shore. No, my life would be forever changed that evening by the opening act, Life Sex And Death.

In those days, the only radio station I listened to was 89.5 FM, WSOU, originating from Seton Hall University. Any self-respecting metal fan from Central New Jersey in the late 80s/early 90s listened to that station. At this particular time, there was a song playing in fairly heavy rotation called "Tank" by Life Sex And Death which I enjoyed a great deal. When we got tickets to the Lynch Mob show and I found out that LSD was also on the bill, I was pretty excited. I knew nothing about the band, so was looking forward to seeing what they were all about.

So we're at the show, and there was some unknown local act on first. The place was not very crowded yet, but as it started to fill up, it really started to smell. Bad. Before too long, we all discovered the source of the stench: there was a really nasty looking guy, possibly homeless, wandering through the crowd, occasionally pumping his fist in the air to the music being played on stage. At one point he was standing right next to us, and the odor was almost unbearable. Eventually he wandered off, leaving us bewildered as to what the hell this guy's story was. He didn't exactly fit the heavy metal fan profile.

LSD was up next, and the band hit the stage. They looked pretty much like any other hard rock band of the day. A couple of sweaty shirtless guys with long hair and leather pants started playing...and then the homeless guy lurched into view on the stage. We all looked at each other. What the hell was he doing up there? Where was security? And then the homeless guy had a microphone. A group of people somewhere behind us started chanting "Stanley! Stanley! Stanley!" And the homeless guy, Stanley, started to sing.

To this day, it remains one of the greatest shows I have ever been to. Stanley kicked ass for the next 45 minutes, and the next day I ran out and bought the band's debut CD, "The Silent Majority," which I still listen to on a fairly regular basis all these years later.

Sadly, the band never really took off and only released the one CD. I have not been able to find much information about them online, although there is one website dedicated to the band that has photos, and a message board filled with stories like mine.

WrestleMania Goes Hollywood

2005-04-01T10:09:00.000-05:00

This Sunday on Pay-Per-View is WWE's biggest show of the year, WrestleMania 21. Live from Los Angeles, it looks to be a fairly solid show. Here's my predictions:

WORLD HEAVYWEIGHT CHAMPIONSHIP- TRIPLE H vs. BATISTA: WWE has done a hell of a job building up this match, taking their time and letting the fans slowly get behind Batista, instead of screwing things up by turning Batista against Triple H out of nowhere for no real reason (like they did last year, when they completely botched things with Randy Orton, who should have had this spot on the card). I think Batista will take the title.

WWE CHAMPIONSHIP- JBL vs. JOHN CENA: Cena wins the belt, no doubt. With Batista as champ on RAW and Cena on Smackdown!, it looks like WWE is giving some young guys a chance to run with the ball and see how they do. Smart move. Which leads us to...

UNDERTAKER vs. RANDY ORTON: Going with the youth movement, look for Orton to end Undertaker's 12-0 WrestleMania record. Orton is much more effective as a heel, so he'll probably cheat his way to victory, cementing his bad guy persona, and hopefully making people forget his atrocious "good guy" run of the past 8 months.

SHAWN MICHAELS vs. KURT ANGLE: Too tough to call. Should be a hell of a match. if I had to pick, I'd say Michaels, but it could go either way.

SUMO MATCH- BIG SHOW vs. AKEBONO: Wow. I so don't give a shit about this "match." I know Vince has a hard-on about getting celebrities at 'Mania every year, but does Akebono count? Mercifully, this should be short, with Show getting the win.

6-MAN "MONEY IN THE BANK" LADDER MATCH- CHRIS JERICHO/CHRIS BENOIT/SHELTON BENJAMIN/KANE/EDGE/CHRISTIAN: The winner of this one gets a one-year open contract for a World Title match anytime they want. This should be the match of the night. Ideally, I'd like to see Jericho win, do a heel turn, and have a long feud with Batista for his new title.

EDDIE GUERRERO vs. REY MYSTERIO: This was kind of rushed onto the card, making me think they have future plans for these two. I'm guessing Rey wins, pushing Eddie over the edge and turning on Rey after the match, setting up a nice feud.

WOMEN'S CHAMPIONSHIP: TRISH STRATUS vs. CHRISTY HEMME: Ugh. No disrespect, because I know these women work hard, but does Hemme really belong on the biggest show of the year? Trish wins.

A side note: WrestleMania has always been the biggest show of the year, with all the biggest superstars getting a chance to shine. Shame on WWE for doing a poor job this year, with several big names and titles not represented. Not on the show: Booker T, William Regal, Tajiri (and no Tag Team Championship for the first time at a WM), La Resistance, Rene Dupree, Orlando Jordan (no U.S. Championship match), Paul London (who had to settle for winning the Cruiserweight title in a battle royal this past week, instead of a well-deserved one-on-one with Chavo Guerrero- also left off the card- at WM), Luther Reigns, Mark Jindrak, and Heidenreich. I'm sure I'm missing some, but you get the point.

Take This Job And Shove It

2005-03-29T10:17:00.000-05:00

As promised, I did watch the premiere of NBC's "The Office" last Thursday and am here to present my review.

It sucks.

Okay, okay, I'll elaborate. Actually, it doesn't entirely suck. As a matter of fact, it's probably 10 times better than most of the dreck that passes for comedy on television these days. Unfortunately, the level of comedy being presented nowadays is so low, 10 times more than that is still not a lot.

I may have found the show a lot better if I wasn't comparing it to the original BBC series on which it is based, but as such a huge fan of the original, it obviously can not be helped. The biggest problem I have with the new show is the portrayal of the shows main character, hapless office manager Michael Scott, played by Steve Carell (in the original, the character was called David Brent, played by series co-creator Ricky Gervais). I am actually a fan of Carell, formerly of Comedy Central's "The Daily Show," and most recently seen in "Anchorman: The Legend of Run Burgundy," but his performance here left me with a bad after taste. It took me a while to figure out exactly what was bothering me, but I finally figured it out. Originally, Gervais brilliantly played Brent to be a complete ass, but there was always a slight touch of sweetness bubbling under the surface that made you realize that the guy really didn't mean any harm; he just honestly didn't always know how to act. Carell didn't leave me with that feeling, and as a result the character has absolutely no likeability, and it's tough to watch a show when you just plain don't like the main character.

The bottom line is this: the show just didn't make me laugh. Not once. I know I said it last time, but it bears repeating: the original series of "The Office" ran 12 episodes, plus a 2 part Christmas special, and is available on DVD. Check it out, because it is an absolute classic, and skip the tired NBC retread.

Americans Are Not Funny

2005-03-24T15:16:00.000-05:00

Tonight at 9:30 PM, NBC premieres its latest comedy, "The Office." "The Office" is based on the BBC program of the same name. I'm no psychic, but I can tell you this much: this American version of the show will probably follow the same path as the last couple of shows that NBC tried to adapt from England ("Men Behaving Badly" and "Coupling") and be cancelled relatively quickly.

Let's get something out of the way right now. I have not seen the new show and am not condemning it. In fact, I will watch it tonight with high hopes, and review the show right here in the very near future. But the bottom line is that Americans and Brits have very different senses of humor, which is why these kinds of things often fail.

The original version of "The Office" ranks in my personal list of favorite TV shows ever, probably in the Top 5. This is because I really enjoy the British style of humor. Most Americans need to be hit over the head with a joke in order to get it, while the British humor tends to be much more dry, subtle, and understated. The problem that is always run into when adapting British shows is that it becomes too "Americanized," with much broader comedy than the original had, but yet still trying to keep that British quirkiness to it. The resulting combination just doesn't work. Will it work for "The Office"? Time will tell, but I doubt it.

In the meantime, the original series is available on DVD. It ran for two series of six episodes each, plus a 2-part Christmas special to wrap the story up. Ricky Gervais (who also co-created the show) as clueless office manager David Brent gives the comedic performance of a lifetime, but the real heart of the series is the relationship between office drone Tim (Martin Freeman) and the secretary, Dawn (Lucy Davis). Do yourself a favor and check the whole series out. You will not be disappointed.

Tom Snyder's Greatest Hour

2005-03-17T10:05:00.000-05:00

Let's all take a trip now. Back to October 31, 1979. Late-night TV host Tom Snyder's "Tomorrow" show, in honor of Halloween, featured Snyder interviewing KISS.

A very brief history lesson is in order, first. At this point in their career, the band was just starting to come down from the heights of their popularity in 1977-78. Drummer Peter Criss was really strung out (he left the band soon after this appearance), and had not even played on the most recent album, "Dynasty." Guitarist Ace Frehley had issues with alcohol and was also becoming disillusioned with being a part of KISS (he would leave the band soon after Criss). Despite the internal struggles threatening to tear the band apart, leaders Gene Simmons and Paul Stanley tried desperately to hold things together. Which brought KISS to Tom Snyder's "Tomorrow" show on that fateful Halloween night to plug the latest album and tour, and generally discuss their career.

Gene and Paul had always traditionally handled most of the band's press and interviews, and were probably intending to do so this evening, while Peter and Ace sat silently by their sides, maybe saying a few words here and there (Snyder even mentions early on that he had been told that Ace would most likely be extremely quiet and the most difficult to get anything out of).

One unforeseen problem, though, changed EVERYTHING and made this possibly the funniest hour of TV EVER: Ace showed up COMPLETELY HAMMERED. He was blitzed out of his mind. Here are Gene and Paul trying to conduct a civilized interview with a respected journalist on network television, and their guitar player is totally wasted. The fun begins.

It all starts innocently enough, as Snyder introduces the band, although he calls Gene the bass player, pronouncing it like the fish instead of the instrument, and everybody chuckles. Upon first glance, Peter looks completely sedated and out of it, although he does start to come alive a little later. The first hint that something is up comes almost immediately: playing off of Snyder's bass snafu, after being introduced as the lead guitar player, Ace jumps in, proclaiming, "I'm not the lead guitarist, I'm the trout player!" And he starts cackling. Loudly. The interview begins, but within 2 minutes Gene and Paul are clearly agitated because every time they start to answer Snyder's questions, Ace (and to a lesser degree, Peter) interjects, mostly just to continue his cackling. Despite the trademark make-up, you can clearly tell that Gene and Paul are NOT amused. Which makes everything even funnier. As Paul is answering a question about what it is like to be onstage with all the kids screaming and crying, Ace jumps in with "Crying because they spent all that money!" And more loud cackling (I keep calling it cackling, because, well, you just have to hear it. "Laughing" just doesn't do it justice). This joke in particular gets Ace rolling, and Gene can be seen VERY clearly giving Ace the evil eye. Upon discussion of how the band got together, Gene begins recounting how he used to live in Queens, not far from Paul's house, and he would see Paul around. Ace: "Gene's into telescopes! " Gene, for the first of several times, looks over his shoulder and cries "Mom!" which is an indirect way of calling for the band's management to do something to control Ace. Thank goodness for us, no such help was forthcoming. Things continue, and Ace is trying to answer Tom's question about their costumes:
Tom: "But you're kind of like a spaceman."
Ace: "No, actually, I'm a plumber!" (cacklecacklecackle)
Tom: "Well listen, I have a little piece of pipe backstage I'd like to have you work on."
Ace (eyes widening with glee): "Tell me about it!"
At this point Ace is laughing so hard he almost falls out of his chair. Tom recognizes that Gene is not happy with Ace's antics, and as Ace gets progressively out of hand, he pleads with Gene several times over the rest of the interview to get Ace under control. It's not clear what the hell Snyder expected Gene to do to curb Ace, just as it's not clear what Gene expected when he made his pleas to management earlier.

This has been a VERY truncated synopsis of the show; It really has to be seen in its entirety to be truly appreciated. Ace's incessant cackling, in particular, has to be heard, as mere words can not do it justice. Suffice it to say that one need not be a fan of the band to appreciate and enjoy the comedy value contained in this program, and it holds a valued place on my shelf to this day.

What Are They Thinking???

2005-03-11T08:09:00.000-05:00

Spike TV has just announced that they will not extend the contract for Vince McMahon's WWE, meaning that in September, the five weekly hours of wrestling programs currently airing on Spike will have to find a new home. On the surface, this appears to be a good move on Spike TV's part, considering the runaway success of all their other progra...wait a second. WHAT THE HELL ARE THESE GUYS THINKING??????

WWE's flagship program, Monday Night Raw, is routinely the highest-rated program on cable TV, attracting well over 2 million viewers every Monday night. It has, to be fair, had much higher ratings in the past, but even now it is still popular enough to remain at the top of the cable TV heap. In fact, if cable shows were ranked in the Nielsens alongside broadcast shows, Monday Night Raw last week would have been the ONLY cable show ranked in the top 100. USA network, which previously carried wrestling before Spike took over 5 years ago, is rumored to be the front-runner to pick it up in September.

But back to Spike. This is clearly a network in trouble. I'm not going back and researching this right now, but some new guy is coming in as president of the network, and wants to put on more original scripted programming. Great idea, boss. Let's come up with all these new programs, and then cancel the highest-rated show on cable, where we could have advertised these new shows during the only time when people actually are watching the network. Brilliant plan. Spike TV has been doomed from the start. Originally known as TNN (The Nashville Network), a few years back they changed it to mean The National Network. Their slogan was "The Network With POP!" Nobody knew what the hell that meant, and the network remained in obscurity, with only WWE as its saving grace. A drastic shift in programming came, and the network changed again, this time to Spike TV, "The First Network For Men." I was pretty sure ESPN could have made that claim 25 years earlier, but I digress. Despite these changes, wrestling is still the only thing anybody watches on this channel 5 years later.

The bottom line is this: I watch A LOT of TV. I am a 33-year old male. I am supposedly Spike TV's main demographic. I could not tell you another show that is on that channel besides wrestling. Whoops!

I give it 6 months after WWE leaves in September before Spike undergoes another drastic change, or goes under completely.

What's Wrong With This Picture?

2005-03-07T09:42:00.000-05:00

There's a commercial currently running on TV that you may have seen. It's for Visa Check Card, and it appeals to my geek sensibilities by prominently featuring some Marvel Comics superheroes. Something about it has bothered me since the first time I saw it, and I've finally figured it out.

For those who have not seen it, it starts with a woman standing alone in a parking lot at night, frantically screaming for help. In answer to her cries, several heroes, among them Spider-Man, Thor, Captain America, and Wolverine, rush to her rescue. Upon arriving at the scene, her would-be saviors are informed that they have arrived just in time, because she has lost her Visa Check Card! The heroes are not only disappointed that there are no villains to open up a can of whoop-ass on, but also pissed off because the woman has wasted their time. After all, Spider-Man (doing a REALLY BAD Tobey Maguire impression) informs her, the Visa Check Card automatically protects her from fraudulent charges. Dejectedly the costumed do-gooders shuffle off into the night.

Did you catch it? Do you see the problem?

Of course!!! Spider-Man NEVER would have responded to the alleged incident, because his Spider-Sense would have told him there was no danger all along!

Jesus, I am such a dork.

Finally!!!

2005-03-01T08:12:00.000-05:00

Today, after far too many years of waiting, one of the greatest motion pictures of all time is FINALLY being released on DVD. The fact that millions have been kept waiting to see this cinematic masterpiece in all its widescreen digital glory has been one of the greatest injustices of our times.

I am, of course, talking about D.C. Cab.

Released in 1983, this comedic gem was directed by Joel Schumacher. This was only Schumacher's 2nd feature film (after 1981's "The Incredible Shrinking Woman"), and he has since gone on to quite a distinguished career, directing the absolute classic "The Lost Boys," along with "St. Elmo's Fire," "Flatliners," "Falling Down," "The Client," "8MM," and "A Time To Kill." He also almost completely destroyed the Batman franchise a few years ago. But I digress.

Seriously, I really DO love D.C. Cab. It is one of the greatest comedies of all time, with lots of great one-liners that still make me laugh out loud. The film was advertised as a Mr. T vehicle, and, to take nothing away from T's performance, this is not entirely accurate. This is actually an ensemble piece, with Adam Baldwin (no relation to the other Baldwins running around Hollywood today) and Max Gail ('Wojo' on TV's "Barney Miller") getting the most screen time. Also featured are Gary Busey, Paul Rodriguez, Whitman Mayo, Bill Maher, Marsha Warfield, The Barbarian Brothers (!), and Charlie Barnett. Barnett absolutely steals the movie as Tyrone, who is obsessed with pop singer Irene Cara and drives his cab with his hair up in rollers.

I can not recommend this movie highly enough, and with a suggested retail price of only $9.99 (I actually pre-ordered it from deepdiscountdvd.com and paid only 6 bucks, with free s&h), there are no excuses to NOT check this neglected classic out. I can promise you that you WILL laugh. A lot.

On a side note, while doing research for this post, I found some bitter-sweet news. Charlie Barnett passed away from AIDS a little while back. I also discovered that Barnett was a mentor to Dave Chappelle (and shame on you if you don't watch Chappelle's Show), and taught Chappelle quite a lot. In tribute to Barnett, Chappelle is making a movie called "King Of The Park," based on their long friendship. I look forward to seeing it.

...You Got The Best

2005-02-28T08:09:00.000-05:00

And Now, the top 100 KISS songs.

100. My Way
99. Get All You Can Take
98. I've Had Enough (Into The Fire)
97. Under The Rose
96. Easy As It Seems
95. What Makes The World Go Round
94. Hooligan
93. Love Theme From KISS
92. War Machine
91. Carr Jam 1981
90. Little Caesar
89. I Just Wanna
88. Every Time I Look At You
87. Reason To Live
86. Uh! All Night
85. I Still Love You
84. Odyssey
83. Magic Touch
82. All-American Man
81. Got Love For Sale
80. See You In Your Dreams
79. Getaway
78. Love 'Em And Leave 'Em
77. Baby Driver
76. Creatures Of The Night
75. Thrills In The Night
74. A World Without Heroes
73. Flaming Youth
72. Sweet Pain
71. All The Way
70. Let Me Go, Rock 'N Roll
69. Anything For My Baby
68. Love Her All I Can
67. Tomorrow
66. Any Way You Want It
65. Plaster Caster
64. Watchin' You
63. Lick It Up
62. I
61. Heaven's On Fire
60. You're All That I Want
59. Save Your Love
58. Hard Luck Woman
57. Mainline
56. Take Me
55. She
54. Got To Choose
53. Let Me Know
52. Mr. Speed
51. Ladies In Waiting
50. Childhood's End
49. Forever
48. Who Wants To Be Lonely
47. I Love It Loud
46. Is That You?
45. Larger Than Life
44. Comin' Home
43. Two Timer
42. 100,000 Years
41. Ladies Room
40. Sure Know Something
39. Beth
38. Room Service
37. Nothin' To Lose
36. Strange Ways
35. King Of The Night Time World
34. Hate
33. Almost Human
32. Tomorrow And Tonight
31. Great Expectations
30. Detroit Rock City
29. Dreamin'
28. Rocket Ride
27. Rock Bottom
26. Hotter Than Hell
25. Rock And Roll All Nite
24. Hide Your Heart
23. Unholy
22. Christine Sixteen
21. Calling Dr. Love
20. Seduction Of The Innocent
19. Makin' Love
18. Firehouse
17. Do You Love Me
16. God Of Thunder
15. Goin' Blind
14. God Gave Rock And Roll To You II
13. Cold Gin
12. Parasite
11. Shock Me
10. Tears Are Falling
9. I Was Made For Lovin' You
8. Shout It Out Loud
7. I Want You
6. C'Mon And Love Me
5. I Stole Your Love
4. Love Gun
3. Deuce
2. Strutter
1. Black Diamond

Until next time, keep your feet on the ground and keep reaching for the stars.

You Wanted The Best...

2005-02-25T14:56:00.000-05:00

Without further ado, here begins my chart ranking all KISS songs, beginning today with #200 to #101...

200. Fanfare
199. Escape From The Island
198. Bang Bang You
197. Kissin' Time
196. Let's Put The X In Sex
195. (You Make Me) Rock Hard
194. Then She Kissed Me
193. Dark Light
192. Into The Void
191. Domino
190. The Street Giveth And The Street Taketh Away
189. Read My Body
188. No, No, No
187. Crazy Crazy Nights
186. Cadillac Dreams
185. Boomerang
184. I Pledge Allegiance To The State Of Rock And Roll
183. When Your Walls Come Down
182. Thief In The Night
181. Killer
180. Fits Like A Glove
179. Gimme More
178. Partners In Crime
177. Radar For Love
176. Murder In High-Heels
175. Trial By Fire
174. I'm Alive
173. Any Way You Slice It
172. Secretly Cruel
171. Down On Your Knees
170. Lonely Is The Hunter
169. A Million To One
168. Saint And Sinner
167. While The City Sleeps
166. Nowhere To Run
165. Love's A Deadly Weapon
164. Danger
163. Exciter
162. Burn Bitch Burn
161. Under The Gun
160. Not For The Innocent
159. You Wanted The Best
158. Young And Wasted
157. In The Mirror
156. Raise Your Glasses
155. Within
154. Rock And Roll Hell
153. I'm A Legend Tonight
152. Hell Or High Water
151. Psycho Circus
150. Good Girl Gone Bad
149. Torpedo Girl
148. Betrayed
147. I Confess
146. Paralyzed
145. Jungle
144. Heart Of Chrome
143. It Never Goes Away
142. Spit
141. Thou Shalt Not
140. Tough Love
139. Turn On The Night
138. Hard Times
137. Charisma
136. She's So European
135. Nothing Can Keep Me From You
134. Prisoner Of Love
133. I'll Fight Hell To Hold You
132. Keep Me Comin'
131. Silver Spoon
130. I Finally Found My Way
129. Talk To Me
128. Only You
127. Dirty Livin'
126. In My Head
125. The Oath
124. Shandi
123. I Walk Alone
122. We Are One
121. I Will Be There
120. King Of Hearts
119. X-Ray Eyes
118. Mr. Blackwell
117. Two Sides Of The Coin
116. Take It Off
115. Love's A Slap In The Face
114. And On The 8th Day
113. Journey Of 1,000 Years
112. 2,000 Man
111. Rain
110. Rise To It
109. Dance All Over Your Face
108. Just A Boy
107. Naked City
106. Somewhere Between Heaven And Hell
105. Love Me To Hate You
104. King Of The Mountain
103. All Hell's Breakin' Loose
102. Rockin' In The USA
101. Master & Slave

Next time, the suspense ends as I count down #100-#1.

KISS On My List

2005-02-23T13:39:00.000-05:00

OK, if you're the president of the Hall & Oates Fan Club, I apologize for misleading you with today's title. Everybody else should know that I am in the process of ranking every KISS song in order of my preference.

This has proven to be a much more involved project than I originally thought. My list is almost complete; I will begin the countdown in the next update, probably Friday. In the meantime, I will make some clarifications and disclaimers to save time later on. In no particular order, then, I bring the following to your attention:

1. "Rock And Roll All Nite" will only appear on the list one time, despite appearing in various forms at least 73 times on different albums, what with live versions, re-mixed greatest hits packages, acoustic versions, and so on and so on and so on. This applies to all songs that make multiple appearances in the catalog. Which brings me to...

2. There are exactly 200 songs in all. In addition to not counting greatest hits and live version duplicates, as mentioned above, the magic number of 200 also does not include any songs from the infamous 1978 "Solo Albums." Although all 4 members of the band released solo projects on the same day, and all 4 albums featured the KISS logo and are considered in most quarters to be part of the KISS catalog, I don't feel they belong on this list. Because at the end of the day, they are still solo albums. For the curious, if I had included them, you would see most of Ace and Paul's albums near the top of the list, and Peter and Gene's at the bottom. Really no middle of the road stuff in there.

3. While generally regarded as a real creative slump in their career, Unmasked and Music From The Elder actually fair very well on the list. I found a lot of really solid tracks here, more than I thought I would.

4. On the flip-side of the above, while most credit the removal of the make-up in 1983 with a creative resurgence, I found a whole lot of shit here. With the exception of the singles that were in fairly heavy rotation on MTV, there's not a lot of redeeming stuff to be found from the mid-80s era.

Of course, record sales show that I am very much alone with the above two opinions. Which just proves the old adage about opinions: Everybody's got one, and this asshole is going to give you his next time.

Coming Soon: Plagiarism!

2005-02-21T15:33:00.000-05:00

Always looking for an easy way to update this site, I am going to "borrow" an idea from another blog that I frequently read (and you should, too...right here). On a recent post, T-Bone ranked all of Iron Maiden's songs from #124 all the way to #1. "What a brilliant idea," thought I. "I'm going to steal it!" I will not, however, be counting down Iron Maiden songs. Anybody who knows me knows what's coming next. Wait for it...I will be ranking KISS songs.

And so, my next post will be the first part of a countdown that nobody asked for, and probably nobody except for myself will even be interested in. But I'm not doing it for you, faithful readers. I'm doing it for me. I'm selfish that way. Get over it.

Actually, truth be told, the afore-mentioned Iron Maiden countdown really did inspire me. As a life-long KISS fan, I realized that I had never actually sat down and thought about what my favorite songs were. It sounded like something I just should have done and never did. Plus, since the band seem to have relegated themselves to the status of annual touring nostalgia act, very realistically the chances of there ever being a new KISS song to add to the list are about as good as my chances of scoring with Sarah Michelle Gellar. So now is as good a time as any.

Check back shortly for the beginning of this ambitious project.

No Way Out 2005

2005-02-19T09:42:00.000-05:00

This Sunday, WWE Smackdown! is holding their annual "No Way Out" PPV. Since re-starting this blog earlier this week, I have decided to go back to running my predictions here, because it saves me from having to think of something else to write about.

One note before I begin: This PPV looks really, REALLY weak on paper. Running PPVs as often as they do is leading to some real rush jobs, leaving the fans with no emotional investment in the matches. Note to Vince McMahon: If you expect people to pay $34.95 16 times a year (that's right, they do 16 of these things annually) for your product, you just have to give them something to be excited about.

WWE CHAMPIONSHIP in a BARBED WIRE STEEL CAGE: JBL vs. THE BIG SHOW
Hats off to JBL, who has held the belt for about 10 months straight now, which in this day and age is an eternity. Originally thought of as a joke champion who wouldn't last long, he has done a credible job of making the belt look important as he has fended off all top contenders and left the fans salivating for the day when he will get his come-uppance. That day will not be Sunday, however. Kudos to the WWE for putting these two in a barbed wire steel cage, as neither of these two lumbering behemoths will put on much of a technical wrestling showcase. A steel cage is a good environment for them to put on a fairly entertaining bout. JBL will win, setting him up to lose the big one next month at WrestleMania 21. And his opponent (and next WWE Champion) will be the winner of....

KURT ANGLE vs. JOHN CENA
Cena is like a runaway freight train right now, with tons of momentum behind him. This match is a lock for him, especially considering the fact that it's already been confirmed that Angle will be facing Shawn Michaels at WM. In fact, I wouldn't be surprised to see HBK show up tomorrow and cost Angle this match, much like Angle cost him the Rumble last month.

THE UNDERTAKER vs. LUTHER REIGNS
Did you know Luther Reigns (legitimately, not just for TV purposes) once had his throat slit from ear to ear? No? HOW THE HELL COULD YOU NOT, HE ONLY SPOUTS OFF ABOUT 5 TIMES EVERY WEEK ON SMACKDOWN!!! We all get it, Luther. You're a badass. Too bad you will be the latest in a long line of mid-card talent who will be buried by the rapidly aging Undertaker. I have nothing but respect for 'Taker, but it's really past time for him to be used in a role where he is putting over some rising talent. A young guy with tons of potential could start a nice career with some wins over Undertaker. It just won't be Luther.

WWE TAG TEAM CHAMPIONSHIP: THE BASHAM BROTHERS vs. EDDIE GUERRERO and REY MYSTERIO
This match nicely proves my earlier point about having no emotional investment in the matches. This was only announced this past Thursday (3 days before the PPV), and Rey and Eddie have virtually no experience as a team. This also illustrates nicely the dire tag team situation in WWE right now. Look for the Bashams to retain.

6-MAN CRUISERWEIGHT ELIMINATION CHAMPIONSHIP
Funaki defends his title against Paul London, Spike, Akio, Shannon Moore, and Chavo Guerrero. If they let these guys go at it for a decent amount of time (and they should, considering only 5 matches have been announced) this will be the highlight of the evening. This could go a few different ways, but Funaki will probably keep his belt. I wouldn't have a problem with Paul London winning it, though.

There's also some sort of Diva contest going on, but I won't even dignify it by discussing it here. A bunch of nameless faceless bimbos with no evident charisma is not why I watch wrestling. Wrestling fans everywhere should be insulted by this. I know I am.

Funny Business

2005-02-17T15:22:00.000-05:00

As promised, today's update is about the funniest things in the world. I will list the Top 4 funniest things in the world, because (A) I'm a lazy writer and lists are really easy to do and (B) any more than 4 and even I would lose interest.

DISCLAIMER: This is just my opinion of what the funniest things in the world are, of course, and I respect the fact that others may possess a different sense of humor than my own. Those people can go suck eggs and read a different website.

And so, without further ado, here we go:

#4: Belching and farting. I may be 33 years old, but I swear if bodily noises ever stop being funny to me, I'm going to go have a nice lie down on the nearest train tracks.

#3: Snoop Dogg. This guy just cracks me up. He doesn't even have to do anything. Just show me Snoop Dogg sitting in a chair drinking an Iced Tea, and I'm in hysterics.

#2: People other than myself getting hit in the crotch. I know I'm not alone in this. "America's Funniest Home Videos" has been on television for something like 72 years, and the show's producers can point to one thing being responsible for their enduring success: Toddlers with wiffle-ball bats hitting their fathers in the balls.

#1: Monkeys. Put a monkey into almost any scenario and you have instant laughter. Monkeys=Comedy Gold. Interestingly enough, the only thing you could have a monkey do that would NOT be funny is to hit a guy in the groin with a blunt object. You would be inclined to think that combining the funniest 2 things in the world would lead to an even higher level of comedy, but monkeys attacking humans, even in the crotch, would just be the beginning of a terrifying scenario that would ultimately lead to the near-destruction of all mankind, leaving only a handful of survivors to begin a hopeless rebellion against our simian oppressors, which in turn would lead to Charlton Heston crying on a beach somewhere. EXCEPTION: If the person on the receiving end of the monkey's scrotal assault was George W. Bush, then it would be funny.

Feel free to put your own 2 cents in on what you think is funny!

Back In Business

2005-02-16T15:21:00.000-05:00

Hey Now!

Roughly 5 and a half months after my last post, I have decided to grace all 3 of my faithful readers with an update.
There were a combination of factors that led to my disturbing lack of updates, but none more important than the fact that I had no computer. Wait, that's not entirely true. I had one the whole time, it just didn't work. To put it in modern technological jargon, the thing was completely f***ed up. And, much to my surprise, I found that it is quite impossible to update a website without a computer.

Long story short, I'm back with a working computer, and will resume updating the blog on a fairly regular basis. I won't commit to any kind of schedule or promise daily updates or anything, but I will try and put new stuff up whenever I can.

Coming next time, a list of the funniest things in the world.

What A Coincidence....

2004-08-25T09:10:00.000-04:00

In my last post, I jokingly referred to an upcoming (made-up) major motion picture entitled "Ernest vs. Pauly Shore." The joke, for those who didn't get it, was two-fold. Firstly, it was a riff on a recent trend in Hollywood to crossover two established franchises ("Freddy vs. Jason," "Alien vs. Predator"). The funny part was supposed to be that Jim Varney, who played Ernest in approximately 732 of those films, is dead, and Pauly Shore, late 80's-early 90's MTV icon, may as well be. Unbeknownst to me, however, Pauly isn't quite as finished as we all thought.

Special thanks to Sweetie Guy Hutchinson, who has his own wonderful blog over here, for bringing the following to my attention: Pauly Shore has written and directed a new film, and it actually looks really funny. It's called "Pauly Shore Is Dead," and you can check out the trailer for it at www.paulyshoreisdead.com.

The entire staff here at The Shallow End of the Pool would like to formally apologize to Mr. Shore for reporting the premature death of his career, although, to be frank, I'm sure this new movie won't do much to revive it.

Dog Days of Summer

2004-08-23T09:49:00.000-04:00

Well, the summer is almost over, and if you don't believe the calendar, all you need to do is check out this past weekend's box office totals.

It seems that movie studios have taken to dumping all their crap into the end of August. I, for one, find this to be a very curious practice. It IS still summer after all. Heck, Labor Day is actually a little late this year, so there's almost 3 full weeks left before school starts. With the studios rushing every year to start the summer season earlier and earlier (I think next year the first big summer movie on the schedule is the big budget crossover "Ernest vs. Pauly Shore," set for release on February 17), you'd think somebody somewhere would have caught onto the fact that "Exorcist:The Beginning" and "Without a Paddle" did not really need to be the top two films this past weekend. In the middle of August, $18 million dollars should not be enough to qualify for a #1 opening.

Random Thoughts

2004-08-20T11:16:00.000-04:00

Julia Child died this past week at age 91. Child was arguably one of the most famous chefs of all time, inspiring millions of people to start cooking. In a related story, Julia Child this week also won the "2004 Dead Celebrity Who I Thought Had Already Died Years Ago" award. Congratulations, Ms. Child.

Also this week, rock group Van Halen is suing the Baltimore Orioles for $2 million, claiming that they rearranged their schedule to accommodate the major league ball club's request to play their stadium, only to have the Orioles pull the plug on the deal at the last minute for no reason. Of course, we here at The Shallow End Of The Pool know the real reason: The Orioles heard there was a Van Halen reunion tour coming around, but didn't realize it was with Sammy Hagar. No judge in the world is going to award Van Halen any money for not delivering David Lee Roth.

Shakedown!

2004-08-19T10:10:00.000-04:00

I've written about the CBS show "The Amazing Race" before (check the archives, I'm too lazy to post a link for you right now), but what happened on this past Tuesday's episode was one of the funniest things I have ever seen on television, and certainly the greatest thing ever to happen on a reality program.

The 6 remaining teams had just arrived in a small town in Africa and had to take a bus to get to their next destination. Being a bit spread apart, the teams ended up on 3 different buses. Apparently, there are no sort of government regulations on the public transportation system wherever they were in Africa, because there was just some random guy collecting money from people after they sat down, and it seemed like he could charge whatever he felt like. The first two teams got on a bus and were charged five dollars each. I'm going to skip the middle two teams for a second. The last two teams got on a third bus and were charged only three dollars each. O.K., that's not too bad; only a two dollar differential there.

Now back to the second bus. Those two teams got on the bus and sat down, and the shakedown began. The menacing looking gentleman collecting the fares saw four ignorant Americans who surely had lots of cash on them, and demanded 200 dollars for the fare. To their credit, neither of the teams was falling for this and began the bartering process. However, the guy would not go below $150. Smelling the shakedown in progress, the teams decided to get off the bus. This is where the fun really began. He would not let them get off the bus. He actually physically blocked the aisle and made them sit back in their seats, and told the driver to start moving. I am now hysterically laughing, as these people have these dumbfounded expressions on their faces. During the course of what can now be best described as a temporary kidnapping, they manage to get the guy down to $100. Still a far cry from the $5 and $3 that the others paid, though. Then the bus runs out of gas. Seriously, the bus runs out of gas. One guy runs down the road with a gas can and returns shortly with the gas...and they make the Americans pay for it. That is not a misprint. You can watch the episode in a repeat this Saturday night at 8:00 if you don't believe me. This guy's bus runs out of gas, and after already charging $100 each for the ride HE MAKES THEM PAY FOR THE GAS.

So, whoever you are, sir, living all the way over in some small town in Africa, I salute you. You, my friend, are the absolute king of the shakedown.

Pinewood Dreams

2004-08-18T14:20:00.000-04:00

My brother mentioned to me a couple of weeks ago the possibility of doing a crossover between our two blogs about the Pinewood Derby, so I'm going to get the ball rolling today.

For those who don't know, the Pinewood Derby is one of the highlights of the year as a Cub Scout (and for those who don't know what a Cub Scout is, it's just the Boy Scouts for kids who aren't old enough to be that yet). Of course, it's not hard for the Derby to be the highlight of the year, when the only other thing I remember about being a Cub Scout is sitting around eating cookies and drinking juice.

The Derby works like this: each kid is given a rectangular block of wood, 4 nails, and 4 little rubber wheels. Then the object is take your little block of wood and fashion a car out of it. With proper adult supervision and some time, you could make a really sleek, aerodynamically sound vehicle. Or you could do what I did. Being a lazy little bastard, I stuck the four wheels on the little block of wood, slapped on a quick coat of ugly brown paint, and took it to the derby.

The Derby itself is pretty cool. It amounts to what is basically a giant wooden slide divided into lanes. I forget how many kids go at once, but each kid puts his car at the top of the slide and then they let them go. First one to the bottom wins, and the winners of each race face off, until there is only one standing.

It doesn't take a degree in rocket science to realize that a clumsy wooden block is not going to win this race ( in fact, it somehow defied the laws of gravity and didn't even make the bottom of the slide), and thus my dreams of becoming Pinewood Derby champion went unfulfilled.

More Spooky Stuff

2004-08-17T10:42:00.000-04:00

In keeping with yesterday's theme, there is one more minor ghost encounter I have had. The one I told you about yesterday was very vivid, as I was not only wide awake but also an adult. This one was a bit different, but also spooked me pretty good.

I was around 13 years old, living in Pittsfield, Massachusetts. One night I was asleep in bed when I was startled awake by the sound of my door creaking open (I didn't keep it shut all the way, but it was only open a crack). I sat up and saw a rather large dog walking across my room. It was just looking at me, but never made any sounds or aggressive moves. It crossed the length of my room, and then upon reaching the wall at the foot of my bed, disappeared into it. On the other side of this wall was my brother's closet, and I distinctly remember hearing the sounds of the dog walking around in there. Then there was silence.

We didn't have a dog. We had three cats. Upon telling people this story, their natural reaction is to tell me that I was just dreaming. Perfectly logical, as I was in bed at the time. But I know what I saw, and I also know I wasn't still asleep, as I had trouble falling back asleep again for quite some time. I guess this will forever be one of life's unsolved mysteries.

Who Ya Gonna Call?

2004-08-16T10:39:00.000-04:00

Over in my brother's latest post, he mentions some ghost stories from his past. Seems like a good time to tell you a ghost story of my own.

Cape May, NJ, where I make my living, is one of the oldest seaside resorts in the country. It is a quaint little town, full of old Victorian buildings and lots of history. It is, in fact, the only township in the country to be entirely designated as a National Historic Landmark. It is also haunted. Ghost stories in Cape May are a common occurrence. There are books written on the subject, and several different companies run ghost tours of Cape May, highlighting the homes with the most super-natural activity. The local weekly free newspaper, Exit Zero, even has a column written by a professional medium who goes to a different location every week and details his findings (you can read it by clicking on the link I just gave you). Sometimes it all comes across as a bit hokey, but I am here to tell you that it is all true.

Here's the story. A few years ago, I was waiting tables at one of the biggest restaurants in town. Over time, I was put into a position with some kind of authority, and on Thursday nights I was left in charge to close the place up (which was actually a really great gig, as it entailed sitting in the office, watching cable TV, and drinking free beer while waiting for the bar customers to go home). Now, I had heard stories that our building was one of the many in town that was haunted. I always took things like that with a grain of salt, but I couldn't deny the creepy feeling I got whenever I would walk through the empty upstairs dining room at night ( we had the main room downstairs, which also housed the bar; the upstairs was really only used during the peak summer season for overflow, and as such was dark and empty most of the year). One of my good friends there reported one time to have seen 2 young children out of the corner of his eye playing in the upstairs dining room, which was closed at the time. Upon closer investigation, there was no one there. For the record, he was not the type to make up goofy stories like that, and I for one believed him.

Before continuing, let me give you a brief description of how the building is set up so you can envision the rest of the story: There are stairs at the front of the main room that go up to the overflow dining room; at the back of that upstairs room is a doorway, which leads to a hallway. Off this hallway are two storage rooms, the office, and stairs that go down into the kitchen. Going through the kitchen, you can then exit the main kitchen doors and be back in the main room. It's like a big circle.

So, one Thursday night I'm closing up. The only 2 people left in the building are myself and the bartender. All I need to do is bring the cash drawer upstairs before leaving. I let the bartender out so he could go home and locked the door behind him. I went up the front steps, through the dining room, down the hall, and into the office. After putting all the money away, I went down the back stairs into the kitchen, through the kitchen, and into the main room. Now, after entering the main room from the kitchen, just to the left is where all the cups, silverware, and coffee stuff is set up. I stopped for a moment to make sure all the coffee burners had been turned off...when the kitchen doors swung back open and hit me in the shoulder, immediately followed by the muffled sound of little footsteps running away at great speed. Instinct kicked in first, as I ran into the kitchen to see who was fucking with me, then quickly remembered that I had let the only other living soul out of the building 5 minutes ago. If someone had been there, the footsteps running through the kitchen would have been followed by the same sound going up the stairs. I was greeted with silence. Then there was the sound of my own footsteps, getting me the hell out of the building as quickly as possible.

Of course, I probably didn't need to run. My theory is that the same 2 children that my friend had seen out of the corner of his eye were the ones who hit me with the door and ran away; they were just playing around. Whether I should have felt threatened or not, it was still a creepy experience.

Summertime Blues

2004-08-13T10:00:00.000-04:00

The 2004 Summer Olympics start tonight on NBC. Oh, wait a second. I don't care. However, this Sunday on Pay-Per-View WWE presents SummerSlam. That's right, it's time once again for people who hate wrestling to get out now while there's still time. For the rest of you, here's my thoughts:

WORLD CHAMPIONSHIP: Chris Benoit vs. Randy Orton. I think they may actually put the belt on Orton. Benoit's been champ about 5 months now, which is quite a while nowadays. Randy's certainly got the skills and the look, and the crowd really responds to him. I'm still hoping they'll stick a cast on his arm for 3 years just like his dad.

WWE CHAMPIONSHIP: The Undertaker vs. JBL. As much as I hate Bradshaw, I don't really think Taker needs the belt at this stage in his career. They'll let JBL beat Taker just so people hate him more. Remember: the more people hate someone, the more likely they are to pay money to see him get his ass beat.

Eddie Guerrero vs. Kurt Angle: Angle, to revenge his loss at WMXX. Also because they'll want to get more mileage out of this feud.

INTERCONTINENTAL CHAMPIONSHIP: Triple Threat Match-Edge vs. Chris Jericho vs. Batista. I think Edge is getting ready to turn heel and have a long feud with Jericho. I don't think the IC belt will be a part of that, however, leaving Batista to take it on Sunday. Batista has been impressive in recent months, and his game has definitely stepped up (hard not to, hanging around with HHH and Ric Flair). Time to see if he can carry a title.

Matt Hardy vs. Kane, with Lita marrying the winner. I can't even believe this is happening. I see Lita turning heel and siding with Kane, costing Matt the match. Afterwards, Kane will continue to be a big presence on RAW every week while Matt is wasted on Heat wrestling Stevie Richards for eternity.

Eugene vs. HHH. I can't believe the Eugene character has lasted this long. If there is a god, HHH is going to destroy Eugene, and that match on Heat will become a tag match with Eugene and Matt taking on Stevie and Val Venis.

U.S. CHAMPIONSHIP (#1 of a best of five series): John Cena vs. Booker T. Cena will take this match, but end up losing the series.

Rey Mysterio, Billy Kidman, and Paul London vs. The Dudley Boyz: The Dudleys win, because Paul London will be too busy pinching himself and wondering aloud "Am I really on a PPV? They never even let me come to the building before!"

Diva Dodgeball: Just like Alien vs. Predator, no matter who wins, we lose. Because while this nonsense is taking place, talent like Rob Van Dam, Rene Dupree, Rhyno, Tajiri, and La Resistance are sitting in the back for the night. Why is the World Tag Team championship not being defended tonight? Shameful. All of the so-called Divas in this talent search may look good in bikinis, but have absolutely no screen presence or charisma. Shameful.

It Takes a "Village"

2004-08-12T10:15:00.000-04:00

It's going to be tough writing about "The Village," just because I have to be real careful to not give anything away. I will say that I really liked this film, although it's not quite the film I expected it to be. Lots of people didn't like it, and it has been savaged by most critics, but I think that is for the same reason: it wasn't exactly the same kind of film that it was advertised as being. If you go into it with an open mind and ignore what others have told you, then I think it really is a great experience, and unlike any other movie I have seen in a long while.

That said, it's not perfect, and I think some things about it were never adequately explained (again, this is going to be difficult without giving anything away). The bottom line, though, is that I thought enough about the film to go through the message boards on IMDB to see what others thought about those same issues, and quite a few of my questions were answered. "The Village" definitely requires a second viewing to take all of these things in.

My one big complaint about the movie, though, is that I think writer-director M. Night Shyamalan has become a bit too hung up on putting shocking twists into his endings. He doesn't need to do this, as he really is a gifted filmmaker, and the ideas presented at the end of "The Village" really fascinated me. In fact, I think the whole movie could have been carried with the ending as its main plot, instead of just the climax. It really would have been a fascinating character study; as it is now, we really didn't get any time to see what was going on inside these characters' minds. All in all, though, "The Village" really stayed with me for a long time after I saw it and made me think. Not something you usually get from a summer movie.

"Bourne" and "Collateral"

2004-08-11T10:16:00.000-04:00

The first two movies I saw during my triple threat movie experience were "The Bourne Supremacy" and "Collateral."

"Bourne" was a really fantastic spy thriller. I love it when a movie, especially a sequel, doesn't dumb things down and assume that the audience are morons (in most cases, this would probably be a safe assumption, actually). This absolutely requires you to have seen the first film, "The Bourne Identity," as you are thrown right into this film with no extraneous crap trying to explain Jason Bourne's situation. I applaud the filmmakers for giving me enough credit to remember what happened the first time around. If I wanted my intelligence insulted, I'd wait for the upcoming Jimmy Fallon/Queen Latifah "Taxi." (I know, I know, I ripped on "Taxi" yesterday, but I just can't wrap my head around just how bad this actually looks. Don't quit your day job, Jimmy....What's that? Oh, never mind. Sorry.) One warning if you haven't seen "The Bourne Supremacy" yet: if you have a weak constitution, bring some Dramamine or something, because the chase and fight sequences use some really fantastic quick cuts and the camera jumps around A LOT. I thought it was really effective; others may just get dizzy.

Next I went to the bathroom, because a "small" soda is approximately 78 ounces. (It comes in two sizes, medium small and medium large. Only my brother will get that. The rest of you just ignore us.)

Then I saw "Collateral," with Tom Cruise and Jamie Foxx, and directed by Michael Mann (check out my brother's post about Michael Mann here.) I pretty much agree with everything he said, except the part about the last third being a bit of a let down. This was really a solid film all around, and it's really great to see Tom Cruise playing very much against type. Jamie Foxx is also very good, and is quickly turning into one hell of a serious actor, something I never would have guessed from his comedic beginnings on television's "In Living Color" and "The Jamie Foxx Show." I highly recommend both films.

Tomorrow, M. Night Shyamalan's "The Village."

Triple Threat

2004-08-10T10:48:00.000-04:00

I did something yesterday that I have never done before. I went to the movie theatre and watched THREE movies in a row. Not since the summer of '87 when our Aunt took me and my brother to see "The Lost Boys" and "Summer School" back-to-back had I attempted something on this level (and even then, we cheated, as we had lunch after the first movie, and they weren't even at the same theatre, so there was a long gap in between). I did it with military precision, too. I worked out the times and how long each movie was, so after each film I had time to hit the bathroom, get a snack, and get to my seat just as the first previews started.

I wouldn't recommend this for just anybody; it takes stamina and no social life. Luckily for me, I have no life and a gallon of soda gives you enough caffeine to make up for the stamina.

I normally love previews. Some people find them annoying, but I don't. Sure, I can't stand it when an extra-long preview basically spells the whole thing out for you from beginning to end, but for the most part they are good. However, when going to see three movies in a row, you tend to see the same previews multiple times. In some cases this can be helpful. For instance, having seen the trailer for the upcoming Jimmy Fallon/Queen Latifah "Taxi" three times, I now know without having to see the movie that is the worst movie ever made. I also saw what is called a "teaser" for next summer's "Batman Begins," and I really can't wait for that.

The three movies I saw were "The Bourne Supremacy," "Collateral," and "The Village." I enjoyed them all on different levels, and some more than others. I'll talk more about them all starting tomorrow.

Hockey???

2004-08-09T10:26:00.000-04:00

It's not easy being a hockey fan. Hockey has always been the bastard red-headed step-child of the major sports (baseball, football, and basketball), receiving the least mainstream attention and coverage on ESPN and other media outlets. And it's even less easy for me, for I am not only a hockey fan, but a New York Rangers fan as well (For those who don't know, the Rangers suck. Bad.). But this isn't about how crummy my favorite team is.

No, this is about how there may not even BE a hockey season this year. A few weeks from now, the collective bargaining agreement between the players' association and the owners expires. if they can't reach a new agreement, the players will be locked out of training camp and the season will either be severely delayed or not happen at all. As usual in pro sports, it all boils down to money. The owners want to put a salary cap in place, claiming that the teams in bigger cities have an un-fair advantage (big city=bigger crowds=more money), because they can afford to sign all the best players at premium prices, which smaller teams can't afford to do. A salary cap would theoretically put all teams on even ground. The players, naturally, do not want the salary cap for obvious reasons: the won't get paid as much. Neither side is willing to budge on the salary cap issue, threatening the season.

Here's where I climb on my soapbox for a minute. There's always a lot of grumbling amongst the sportscasters, sportswriters, and the public as well, that pro athletes get paid too much. I say hogwash. These teams are making hundreds of millions of dollars a year between ticket sales, advertising, TV deals, merchandising, and lord knows what else. If the players don't deserve their fair share, I don't know who does (I feel the same way about the escalating salaries of TV stars, by the way). Fact: The public buys tickets to see their favorite players play, and they buy T-shirts and other merchandise of those same players. The players are the ones putting their bodies on the line night after night, not seeing their families for weeks at a time. Why should a fat guy sitting up in an office in a suit get all their money? Now, I', not saying the fat guy should get nothing, I'm just saying that the players deserve more.

One other point: I can't believe for a second that nobody involved in this whole debacle has pointed out one simple thing. FACT: The team with the highest payroll in the NHL every year (I stress again EVERY YEAR) is my beloved New York Rangers. With this bloated payroll, the Rangers have managed to miss the playoffs for 7 consecutive years, no easy feat considering that 16 out 0f the 30 teams make the cut. And who won the league's prestigious championship, The Stanley Cup, this past year? The Tampa Bay Lightning, a team from one of those smaller cities (in a state where they don't even have ice, for crying out loud). Someone please explain to me again the argument about how a salary cap would make things more fair.

White Castle

2004-08-06T09:34:00.000-04:00

Went and saw "Harold and Kumar Go To White Castle" earlier this week. I honestly can't remember the last time I laughed as hard and as often at a movie as I did at this one. Absolutely hysterical stuff, and I can't recommend it highly enough.

On a related side note, my brother from Florida had no idea what White Castle is, and apparently this is pretty common. People from my neck of the woods take White Castle for granted, but it really is a small operation pretty much confined to the Northeast. So we took him for his first ever visit, and it was just as good as always. Of course, I had violent stomach disorders for 2 days after but it was worth it.

Funny side note #2: I just ran the spell check on this, and it came up clean. Anytime I use the words "blog" or "asshole" the spell checker doesn't recognize them (I'm pretty sure there is some irony involved when a blog's spell checker doesn't recognize the word "blog"), but it had no problem with "Kumar." Am I the only one who thinks that's funny? Anyway, I encourage everybody to use the spell checker as often as possible, because it can be very amusing at times to see what words it recommends in place of the ones you wanted.

Sorry For The Inconvenience....

2004-08-05T22:03:00.000-04:00

For those 3 people who actually read this blog on a daily basis, I apologize for the lack of posts this week. Those who read my brother's blog may know he is on vacation this week, entertaining our younger brother who is visiting from Florida, so I took a few days off as well. But then when I came back on Tuesday, I found myself unable to log on to Blogger, and was thus unable to post. The same problem befell me on Wednesday. So finally today I managed to figure out another method with which I was able to get in here and do this, but am still unable to log in via the home page. I have sent off an e-mail to Blogger tech support, and hopefully they can help me out. Either way, I should be back tomorrow with a full post and then resume my normal Monday-Friday schedule.

An Amazing TV Show

2004-07-30T10:07:00.000-04:00

Back when I started this blog, one of my first posts was about the sorry state of television. To be fair, though, I still do watch TV, and I don't want to make it sound like there is absolutely nothing on worth watching, because there is.

I am not, to put it mildly, a fan of reality television. That being said, I strongly urge everybody to check out "The Amazing Race." It recently began its fifth season, and airs Tuesday nights at 10:00 on CBS, with a repeat of the same episode Saturdays at 8:00.

Unlike most reality programs, "Race" doesn't rely on the same cheap tricks employed by most other reality shows to manufacture tension between participants, nor try to create its own "reality." Very simply, 11 teams of two people each race around the world, performing various tasks and stunts along the way. Pit stops are set up at various locations, and the last team to arrive is eliminated from the race.

Fascinating, fast-moving, and tense, "The Amazing Race" is easily one of the most entertaining programs on TV today. So far this year only 4 teams have been eliminated, and there's a lot of show left, so it's not too late to jump on board and check it out.

Who Said That?

2004-07-29T11:11:00.000-04:00

Today I reveal the answers to my movie quotes pop quiz from yesterday. You may want to scroll down and read that first if you haven't already. Or if you don't give a shit about any of this, go away and stop wasting everybody's time.

1. Jim Carrey as "The Cable Guy." Still my favorite Carrey movie of all time. Unfairly and almost unanimously attacked by both the critics and public alike when it was released. I don't know why, although it may have something to do with the fact that people wanted more obvious humor from a Jim Carrey film. Sorry, I'll take dark humor over fart jokes any day of the week. (I'll still take fart jokes, too, of course.)

2. Also from "The Cable Guy." Janeane Garofalo as the Medieval Waitress and Matthew Broderick as Steven.

3. I left his name out of the quote yesterday to prevent giving it away. The "he" is Howard Stern, and the quote is from "Private Parts." (Paul Giamatti as Kenny "Pig Vomit.") Very, very funny movie, whether you like Stern or not.

4. An instant comedy classic from last year, "Old School." Easily one of the funniest movies ever. I could watch this over and over again. Will Ferrell is amazing, but this quote is actually from a conversation between Mitch and his taxi driver (Luke Wilson and Stuart Cornfeld).

5. Another great film from last year, "School of Rock," starring one of my favorites, Jack Black. People who think they hate Jack Black will still love this movie. The quote is Ned Shneebly (Mike White) asking Dewey (J.B.) for the rent.

6 & 7. Honestly, if I need to tell you who said these two you are no longer allowed to read my blog. Seriously, get the f*** out. The greatest comedic performance EVER...John Belushi in "Animal House."

8. My favorite movie from the 80's, "Weird Science." Anthony Michael Hall as Gary, drunk in the back of the car.

9. Cult classic "The Big Lebowski." Every time I watch this movie I can't believe how funny it is. I also still can't believe John Goodman wasn't even nominated for an oscar for his portrayal of Walter. This was his line, many variations of which are sprinkled throughout the film.

10. Also from "Lebowski." John Turturro as Jesus. Not a very big part, but he makes the most of it. This is probably the funniest line in the film. Reading it in black & white does it no justice, so go watch it.

11. A line I use all the time. Anytime ANYTHING goes REMOTELY wrong, I shoot out "You can't fix this car, Spicoli!" From "Fast Times at Ridgemont High," another classic from the 80's. In fact, this is my favorite 80's movie (sorry, "Weird Science"). Spoken by Stanley Davis, Jr. as Jefferson's brother.

12. Also from "Fast Times," and probably the 2nd greatest comedic performance of all time next to Belushi's. Sean Penn as Jeff Spicoli.

13. thru 16. All from "Heathers," the movie that I love so much I named my first-born after it. I could have done a thousand more lines from this film and still thought of more afterwards. The first is Veronica (Winona Ryder) talking to her dad. The second two are Heather Chandler (the late Kim Walker), and the last is a conversation between Veronica and Jason Dean (Christian Slater).

17. The great John Cusack film "High Fidelity," based on the equally great book by Nick Hornby. This was a conversation between Rob (Cusack) and Barry (Jack Black again). While we're on the subject, I recommend ANY book by Hornby.

18. Another 80's classic, "The Lost Boys." Spoken by Grandpa (Barnard Hughes).

19. Yet another extremely funny movie that the public mostly ignored upon release, "Office Space." Don't make the same mistake that my father did and write this off just because they show it on Comedy Central all the time; this is truly hysterical. Conversation between Michael Bolton and Samir (David Herman and Ajay Naidu).

20. Ewan McGregor as Mark Renton in "Trainspotting," from the opening monologue. A very disturbing yet brilliant film. If you're ever thinking of taking drugs, this is better than a million Nancy Reagan commercials.

BONUS- Twisted Sister's Dee Snider on the Howard Stern radio show. Another one I use in daily conversations, despite not actually knowing anybody named Bob.

You Can Quote Me On That

2004-07-28T11:00:00.000-04:00

As promised yesterday (scroll down if you didn't read it), here are some of my favorite movie lines of all time. Tune in tomorrow to see where they come from. Some movies are represented more than once.

1. "Down, Down, Down! Red Knight's going down!"

2. "There were no utensils in medieval times, hence there are no utensils at Medieval Times. Would you like a refill on that Pepsi?" "There were no utensils, but there was Pepsi?"

3. "The man's immature, you know? He's like a f***ing child....[he] can kiss my ass in hell!"

4. "I'm sorry, your seat belt seems to be broken, what do you recommend I do?" "I recommend you stop being such a faggot."

5. "Hey, it's the first of the month and, uh, I would like your share of the rent now." "Oh, man, you know I don't have it, you wake me up for that? Come on, man!"

6. "I'm a zit. Get it?"

7. "Was it over when the Germans bombed Pearl Harbor? Hell no!"

8. "Well my nuts are halfway up my ass, but other than that I'm perfect!"

9. "Shut the f*** up, Donny!...You're out of your element!"

10. "Let me tell you something, pendejo. You pull any of your crazy shit with us, you flash a piece out on the lanes? I'll take it away from you, stick it up your ass, and pull the f***ing trigger till it goes click."

11. "You can't fix this car, Spicoli!"

12. "Hey, wait a minute, there's no birthday party for me here!"

13. "Because you're an idiot."

14. "F*** me gently with a chainsaw."

15. "Did you have a brain tumor for breakfast?"

16. "No, my life's not perfect. I don't really like my friends." "Yeah, I, uh, I don't really like your friends either."

17. "Holy shiite! What the f*** is that?" "It's the record we've been listening to and enjoying, Barry." "Well, that's unfortunate, because it SUCKS ASS!"

18. "One thing about living in Santa Carla I never could stomach. All the damn vampires."

19. "At least your name isn't Michael Bolton." "You know, there's nothing wrong with that name." "There was nothing wrong with that name until I was about 12 years old and that no talent ass clown became famous and started winning Grammys." "Well, why don't you just go by 'Mike' instead of 'Michael?'" "No way, why should I change? He's the one that sucks!"

20. "Choose your future. Choose life. But why would I want to do a thing like that?"

BONUS-Not from a movie, but probably the quote I use in my own day-to-day life the most often: "Can't say much now, can ya, Bob?"

I Got Nothing

2004-07-27T10:44:00.000-04:00

Actually, the title of today's little piece is not entirely true. I do kind-of have something, but I'm just not entirely prepared yet.

A few weeks ago in Entertainment Weekly magazine, Stephen King (who has a monthly column) did a story on his favorite movie lines of all time, and invited the readers to send in their own. The latest issue has several pages full of those responses. Eliminated from consideration were what King called "Punch-Out" lines; i.e. "I'll Be Back" and things of that nature, which were designed to be used in posters and T-shirts and ad infinitum. He was talking about the kinds of lines that just are either so good or so funny that they become pat of your vocabulary.

Well, Lord only knows I use movie lines as part of my basic vocabulary all the time. So much so that sometimes people will get offended by something I've said, without realizing I was just doing movie lines and not actually calling them an asshole.

So I want to do a column on my favorite movie lines of all time, but like I said at the top, I'm not prepared. Give me a day and I'll have them here tomorrow. And because I'm a lazy bastard, I'm going to make a kind of game of it, mostly to get ANOTHER day's worth out of it beyond that. What I'll do is just give you the quotes tomorrow, and the next day tell you where they came from, so you will have a whole day to try and remember.

Check back tomorrow for the quotes. Or, if you're a dirty rotten cheater, you can wait 2 days and just see the quotes and the answers all together. But remember: you're only cheating yourself.

The Hole Truth

2004-07-26T12:16:00.000-04:00

I love bagels. Manhattan Bagel makes the best bagels. But somebody really needs to teach these people how to properly butter a bagel. And I'm not just talking about Manhattan Bagel; Dunkin Donuts regularly screws up the buttering process as well.

You see, when I eat a bagel I separate the two halves and eat them individually. Bottom half first, then the top half, because that's where all the poppy seeds are. But somehow it has become part of the standard training process to only butter one side of the bagel, the assumption being that every person on the planet eats their bagels as one big piece, like a sandwich. I can't believe that I'm the only person out of billions that eats his bagel halves separately. If I'm tired or not paying attention, only one half gets buttered and I'm left to rub the two halves together like a moron trying to get some on the dry half.

Also, here's an apparently little-known fact: bagels have a hole in the middle. It's true, take a look next time you see one. I'm assuming this must not be common knowledge, because the people who butter my bagels don't seem aware of it. Because of the hole, you should butter a bagel in a circular motion, spreading the butter around the circumference of the bagel while avoiding the hole. Most bagel shop employees, however, just slap it on there and go straight across from left to right. It doesn't take a physics degree to tell you that halfway across you will lose most of the butter in that hole. Usually I'm able to take that extra butter that's lodged into the hole and spread it onto the dry side, so everything works out in the end.

I, Robot

2004-07-23T08:45:00.000-04:00

I went and saw the new Will Smith movie this week, "I, Robot." Here's my review.

It was really good. You should go see it.

This is why I wait tables for a living instead of being the guy that Ebert picked to replace Siskel.

Seriously, it was a really fantastic piece of work. It made you turn on your brain and really think about some things, as opposed to most other summer fare which requires you to not only turn your brain off, but have it surgically removed before you enter the theatre and put in a giant glass jar outside. There are both benefits and risks involved with this procedure, as you could potentially receive the wrong brain back and become smarter or stupider or George W. Bush.

My brother and my cousin were having a discussion about science fiction films a couple of weeks ago, during which my brother stated that "Star Wars" and its many sequels were not science fiction. I didn't think much of it at the time, but after seeing "I, Robot," the answer struck me. Science Fiction films, at their core, need to have some sort of social commentary. "I, Robot" had it. "A.I." had it. "Blade Runner" had it. "Star Wars" did not. "Star Wars" just had robots and flashing lights and spaceships, but this is not what makes Science Fiction. This does not make "Star Wars" a bad film (it is still one of the greatest movies ever made), it just means it's not Sci-Fi. Because at the end of the day, "Star Wars" doesn't really have much to say about science or technology or society.

"I, Robot" has a lot to say, so go see it.

Never To Return

2004-07-22T11:29:00.000-04:00

I've dragged this out long enough, so I will make this quick and to the point, because, quite frankly, what happened that fateful night still makes me a bit angry.

I went to see the highly-anticipated "The Matrix Reloaded" last year on opening night. Actually, it wasn't even opening night, it was a special sneak preview that was held late in the evening the night before. I had bought my ticket weeks in advance and was anxiously looking forward to it.

The movie started, and about 10 minutes in, it was about to happen...the first big fight scene. The instant the three Agents started to converge on Neo....darkness. The film had broke or come off the reel or something, but either way it had stopped. Everybody could clearly see the guy up in the booth struggling to fix it, but he had a clueless expression on his face that was not very comforting. Imagine being grabbed off the street, shoved into an operating room, having a scalpel put into your hand, and being told to perform open-heart surgery on the dying person in front of you immediately. That's what this guy in the booth looked like trying to fix the movie. Fast forward about 5 minutes, during which time not a single soul that worked for the theatre came in to apologize or let anybody know whether or not the movie would start again, and the film started up. Curiously, though, the glorious fight scene we were supposed to have witnessed had just ended. 3 minutes later the film broke again. The entire audience groaned. At this point, knowing full well that the theatre was in possession of two prints of the movie (it was scheduled to start running on 2 screens the next day), one would think that management would make an executive decision to use the OTHER print and fix the broken one later, seeing as how they had a theatre full of angry customers. Instead, we were treated to another sideshow as the joker in the projection booth became more and more flustered. Finally, the movie started again. And promptly broke again. Unbelievably, I was the only one in the entire place who had had enough. I stood up and returned to the lobby, unable and unwilling to tolerate this any longer.

Once in the deserted lobby, I found a lone employee slumped over on the floor by the ticket window. Literally, she looked like she was almost asleep. Displaying all of the customer service skills that had been instilled in her by this theatre (none), she somehow managed the strength to move her eyes in my direction and mumble "Can I help you?" I told her I wanted my money back. "Which movie?" I was dumbfounded. Were the people in the lobby aware at all of the disaster transpiring inside Auditorium #2? I explained what had happened, at which point the lifeless slug in front of me turned her head towards the ticket window for help. It was then that I realized we were not alone. Unseen by me inside the booth was the manager. I heard a faint rustling sound, and an annoyed sigh. The rustling sound was money being counted, and the sigh was from a woman who clearly could not give a shit about what was wrong in her theatre. Her disembodied voice wafted out from beyond the half-open door: "I need his ticket stub," followed by an even more pronounced annoyed sigh. Unbelievably, the only problem she could see was that I was interrupting her count, which would now be $8.50 lighter. Her hand thrust the money out the door and into the slug's hand, who similarly thrust it back at me with barely a glance, mumbling that "It's opening night, it happens." Now, I've never worked at a movie theatre, but I do know for a fact that ALL films are to be set-up and screened beforehand by the appropriate personnel to avoid exactly this problem. Clearly, this had not been done, but the straw that broke the camel's back for me was not that the film had broken, but the shoddy treatment I was subjected to afterwards. Never once did anybody say two simple words: "I'm Sorry."

I am happy to report that, even though I have to drive 45 minutes to get to it, every single movie I have seen since that night has been at the Regal Hamilton Commons 14, on the Black Horse Pike in Mays Landing, NJ. It is always a pleasure to be greeted with a smile and enjoy a movie in a clean, modern atmosphere run by professionals. The fools that run the other place should stop by sometime and see how it's done.

Enjoy The Show...

2004-07-21T10:33:00.000-04:00

Eventually, you will read the story of how I reached my breaking point and imposed a life-long boycott of the crap-hole masquerading as my local movie theatre.

But first, more random stupidness from these clowns. A few years ago I went to see the pile of crap that was released under the name "The Mod Squad." I don't remember why I went, but I did. That's not the point (but while I'm on the subject, if you're ever sitting around and someone says "Hey, 'The Mod Squad' is on TV tonight," find the nearest heavy object and bludgeon them into unconsciousness with it. They'll thank you later). So I bought my ticket and sat down in the empty theatre. The time came for the previews to start. The screen greeted me with...nothing. I waited a few minutes. Nothing. 10 minutes after the scheduled showtime, I finally figured something was wrong. In hindsight, it was probably God telling me to get out now before I subjected myself to this movie. I ignored all the signs and instead went out to the lobby to find someone. I found the ticket-taker and asked if there was a problem with the movie and he said he'd find out for me. I went back in and sat down. 2 minutes later the manager came in and explained that they hadn't started the movie because they didn't realize they had sold a ticket. Before she went to start it, however, she demanded to see my ticket stub to prove I had paid! I should point out at this time that this was far from a busy evening; I live in a summertime tourist area and this was not the summer. As such, there was maybe a grand total of 50 people in the entire complex. Did not anybody think to ask the moron SELLING the tickets if someone bought a ticket for "The Mod Squad" BEFORE basically accusing said customer of some chicanery? At any rate, I showed her my stub, at which time she said "Thanks," when probably something along the lines of "I'm so sorry I accused you of being a criminal, here's 25 free passes, sir, please don't hold this against us" would have been more appropriate.

One more note before I get to the actual story I've been promising, and I need to preface it with a quick geography lesson. I live at the very southern tip of New Jersey, which is a peninsula. To make traveling a bit easier, there is a ferry which runs from Jersey over to Delaware. Without said ferry, cars coming from the west or south of the Jersey Shore would have to drive many, many hours out of the way to get into Jersey only to have to basically double back down to get to the shore. The ferry enables people to come straight across and saves tons of time. Thousands of people use this ferry every day, and the first thing they see after getting back in their cars and driving off the boat is, you guessed it....the movie theatre. So a little over a year ago, the brain trust that runs the place decided to take advantage of the fact that so many potential new customers were driving right past them every day. Thousands of people driving past every day, on their way to start vacation, most of them with kids in the car. So they did the most logical thing they could think of: THEY TOOK ALL THE NAMES OF THE MOVIES THAT WERE PLAYING OFF THE BIG GLOWING SIGN OUT FRONT. So now, people driving by are greeted by a message that says: "SHOW TIMES POSTED IN WINDOW." Except they don't even keep up on that and letters have fallen off never to be replaced, so it actually says "SHO T MES POS D IN WIN OW." They don't even bother to put their phone number up on the sign, which I guess is for the best since after a day or two there would only be 5 digits up there anyway. Oh, I almost forgot: the theatre is on the OTHER side of the highway from the ferry terminal, so anybody who wanted to go to the window to see what was playing would have to make a U-Turn, and then drive a half-mile back towards the ferry to make ANOTHER U-Turn to get back where they were going in the first place.

Now that I've set the stage as to what complete idiots these people are, tomorrow (I promise) you will finally get the story of what happened that fateful night at "The Matrix Reloaded."

...and stay out!!!

2004-07-20T09:49:00.000-04:00

Wow, I had almost forgotten that I never did the conclusion to my last real post until my brother reminded me. O.K., technically if someone had to remind me then I didn't "almost" forget, I COMPLETELY forgot. So go ahead and click on that handy link I left for you up there if you need to remember what the hell I was talking about a few weeks ago, and then resume at the next capital letter you see below (it probably will be an "s").

So, I rushed out to my local movie mega-plex last May to see "The Matrix Reloaded," the highly anticipated first sequel to one of the best movies ever made. Seriously, I can't stress enough how great the first "Matrix" film was; an absolutely stunning cinematic achievement that I can (and have) watched over and over again. As a quick side note, can you believe it's already been over a year since the American public was duped into believing that these 2 sequels wouldn't completely suck? But I digress...

When I called the local theatre a "movie mega-plex" in the last paragraph, I was being sarcastic. Hell, it's even a stretch to call it a "theatre." But seeing as how it is the only game in town, I had been going there happily for years. But clearly this was a real Mickey Mouse organization, and boy did it show. Ironically enough, my first bad experience goes back to the aforementioned original "Matrix." Me and 2 of my buddies from work went to see it on opening night, with some free passes we had scored through a work connection. However, throughout the film, the glorious stereo sound would cut out and we would be treated to the wonderful sound of a lone mono speaker, just as the Wachowski Brothers, I'm sure, intended their epic to be heard! I never missed any dialogue or anything, but it was distracting, as you would hear a loud pop whenever the speakers would cut out. You could still hear out of the one speaker, and it would only last for 10 seconds or so before kicking back in again, but it was still an annoyance. But like I said, we did have free passes so we just let it go.

I made many return trips to the theatre without incident. I did note, however, that a good percentage of times (at least 75%, if not more) they had signs hanging in the box office window stating that the film to one of the movies had been scratched, and so if you bought tickets to see this movie, half of it would be ruined because of the jagged scratch marks running across the entire screen. I have never in my life seen this happen anywhere else, but it was just par for the course at this hell hole. Happened all the time. And their solution was to just hang up a sign saying "see this movie at your own risk-no refunds" instead of FINDING OUT WHY THE ASSHOLE PROJECTIONIST KEEPS F***ING UP THE MOVIES. Thankfully, it was never one of the movies I was going to see, but I still made note of the clear ineptitude that was transpiring.

Tomorrow, I will tell you all about what happened at my screening of "The Matrix Reloaded" that made me swear of this theatre forever. Plus, special bonus features...the ingenious marketing plan by the Einsteins that run this place, and the stupidest thing that happened when I went to see "The Mod Squad." Trust me, it was even stupider than me going to see "The Mod Squad" in the first place.

I'm Back

2004-07-19T10:35:00.000-04:00

In other words, enough of this sitting around feeling sorry for myself shit.

Seriously, the last couple of weeks haven't been the easiest of my life, but I am really O.K. with things. Many thanks to my family and friends who have been there for me. I love you all, and you have helped me more than you could ever know.

The bottom line is this: I am not, by nature, a very emotional person. I don't wear my heart on my sleeve and I am definitely not the touchy-feely type. I don't crave affection or attention and am quite content to just sit quietly by myself and watch a movie. Now take those last few sentences and remove all the "dont's" and "nots" and you have my wife. None of these things make either one of us a bad person, or wrong. We're just wrong for each other. We don't hate each other, nor is there any bitterness or animosity. For those who don't know, my wife came from a very dysfunctional family. Her parents never had time for her, or each other for that matter. As a result, she has a constant need for validation and attention because she didn't get anything from her parents for 19 years. This is not her fault and I do not blame her for it. Unfortunately, I am not the kind of person who can give her what she needs. I truly hope that she can find what she is looking for. What she really needs is to seek counseling to help her with these issues, but she just doesn't see it, and I really feel bad for her because I don't think she will be truly happy until she gets some help.

And in the event that she does get therapy sometime down the road, maybe they can work out why she's a nagging bitch all the time. :)

That was a joke. Really, I don't want anybody in my family to be angry or bitter towards Victoria because I'm not. She was never a part of a family like ours and genuinely does not understand the dynamics of how it all works. We will both be better off this way, and I am anxiously looking forward to the next stage of my life.

Starting tomorrow it's back to business as usual down here in the Shallow End. I saw "I, Robot" yesterday, so sometime this week we'll be talking about that, as well as Manhattan Bagel, and much more. Stay tuned.

I'm Done

2004-06-30T13:23:00.000-04:00

I'm sorry, but I just can't do this anymore. I feel like a fucking idiot every day moaning about movies and TV and other assorted crap that just isn't important in the great scheme of things.

All of this pop culture is just expendable. It doesn't mean anything. Yet I've paid so much attention to it that it's come at the expense of the person that matters most to me in my life. While I've been sitting on my ass watching countless hours of drivel on the idiot box, I've been neglecting my wife. I love her so much but I haven't said it enough. She's gone to bed alone so I can stay up late and play video games. It's not fair and it's not right and now I honestly don't know whether or not I can save my marriage. She hates me so much right now for being so distant to her for too long and I can't blame her.

I've learned from my mistakes and now that I've realized it it may be too late. What fucking irony. I watch so many movies, but they all lie. Love isn't easy and there isn't always a happy ending.

So I'm done. Don't bother checking this spot for any more updates because I just don't give a shit anymore. Life's too short and some things are too important to waste my time on this.

At The Movies

2004-06-28T11:20:00.000-04:00

I love the movies. And I'd love to go to the movies more often. Fahrenheit 9/11 opened this past weekend, and I'd love to see it. There's one problem, however...

I live in the middle of nowhere.

Actually, I don't really. I live in New Jersey, the most densely populated state in the country. Yup, they're packed in like sardines here. And they've got tons of movie theatres here to accommodate all those people.

Except I live in SOUTH Jersey, in tourist country. For a couple of months out of the year, there's millions of people here. The rest of the year...Nothing. And we've got the movie theatres to prove it.

Ask me how far I have to drive to get to the nearest theatre. Go ahead, ask.

I'm glad you asked me that. The answer is about 7 minutes. Now, ask me how far I have to drive to get to the nearest theatre that I'm willing to give my money to, the one that's actually operating in the 21st century. 50 minutes. That's right, whenever I want to go the movies I have to drive almost an hour.

OK, technically I don't HAVE to. Like I said, there is a theatre 7 minutes from me. But I care too much about the movie-going experience to go there. Call me crazy, but if I'm paying cash money to go to the theatre, don't I deserve to both see and hear the entire film, as well as being treated like a human being by the automatons that are working there?

I'll tell you tomorrow about the proverbial straw that broke the camel's back: why I no longer support my local theatre, which will leave me with a 50-minute drive to see Spider-Man 2 this Wednesday.

Great American Bore

2004-06-25T11:19:00.000-04:00

Once again, wrestling non-fans can skip today as I bring you my predictions for this Sunday's Great American Bash Pay-Per-View.

First things first, though...if the WWE is going to insist on running so many damned PPVs every year (they're up to 14 now, with the addition of this Sunday's Bash and Halloween Havoc coming in October), they simply MUST do a better job building up the cards. There are only 5 matches announced so far, and they have no more TV shows coming up to hype more. So any other matches that do get added to the show will be complete throwaways. Would you spend $34.95 for something as poorly thought out as this? I'm not. On to the matches...

WWE CHAMPIONSHIP (TEXAS BULLROPE MATCH) Eddie Guerrero vs. John Bradshaw Layfield- YES! YES! YES! YES! YES! The long-awaited rematch between Eddie and JBL!!! Oh no wait, I was thinking of something else. This just sucks. Eddie will win and hopefully get a better opponent next time, because he surely deserves more.

UNITED STATES CHAMPIONSHIP (FATAL FOUR WAY) John Cena vs. Rob Van Dam vs. Booker T vs. Rene Dupree- This looks really promising, as all 4 guys are really solid in the ring and should put on a hell of a match. Cena will probably keep his title for now, but I wouldn't be surprised if any of the other 3 guys walks away with it, either.

THE UNDERTAKER vs. THE DUDLEY BOYZ (CONCRETE CRYPT MATCH)- I'm still not clear on the point of this whole storyline, but I can't see the Undertaker losing. The Dudleys work great as heels, especially with Heyman managing them, so why are they not defending their Tag Team Titles?

CRUISERWEIGHT CHAMPIONSHIP Rey Mysterio vs. Chavo Guerrero- It's hard not to like a match involving these two, but we've seen it a thousand times before. This was hastily thrown together when senior citizen Chavo Classic was fired, so I'm hoping that with more time they'll give some of the other cruisers a chance. In the meantime, Rey keeps his belt.

TORRIE WILSON vs. SABLE- Nothing wrong with a little T & A, but I'm just not a fan of it here. Why do they think guys are willing to pay $34.95 to see 2 chicks in bikinis for 6 or 7 minutes, when they can get a LOT more for free on the internet? I'm not even giving this a prediction. Oh, OK, I'll pick Torrie just to keep my brother happy.

Rumor has it that Mordecai vs. Hardcore Holly and Billy Gunn vs. Kenzo Suzuki will be added to the final card. If this is the case, Mordecai and Suzuki will win their matches, and nobody will care.

See you Monday.

The Cooler

2004-06-24T12:37:00.000-04:00

I just watched The Cooler, with William H. Macy, Alec Baldwin, and Maria Bello. I thought it was a pretty good film, although (without spoiling anything for those who haven't seen it) the ending was a bit weak.

I'm not here to review the film, though. No, I just wanted to point out a little thing that screenwriters do sometimes that really pisses me off. And they did it in The Cooler.

Again, I don't want to spoil anything, so I'll keep this brief: Macy's character, Bernie, at one point reveals to his new girlfriend that his limp is the result of a guy shattering his kneecap years ago because of a gambling debt. Incredulous, she replies "I thought that kind of thing only happened in the movies."

No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.

I can't think of any other examples of this lazy trick off the top of my head, probably because I've tried to suppress the horrible memories. But I have seen it a bunch of times, and I still hate it every single time I'm watching a movie and one of the characters echoes a moronic statement like the one above. If everybody involved is doing a good job, I should be so wrapped up in the story and the characters that I'm not thinking about the fact that I'm watching a work of fiction. The Cooler was doing just that: I was engrossed by the film, and really enjoying things. Then they had to go and spoil it. I just don't need some character reminding me in the middle of a film that I am, in fact, watching a film.

I can't be the only person that's bothered by this, can I?

Shacking Up

2004-06-23T21:57:00.000-04:00

So I left off yesterday's post with a serious cliffhanger. Scroll down and read that first if you haven't already. I'll wait.

Ready? Not yet? Jesus, hurry up, I don't have all day.

OK, so it wasn't on the par of a "Who Shot J.R.?" cliffhanger; maybe more of a "Is Murphy Brown pregnant?" cliffhanger.

So I went over to the next Radio Shack, and as soon as I walked in the door a retarded clone of the guy from the first store asked if I needed any help. "No thanks," I quickly said, and 30 seconds later I found the adaptor I needed.

More Radio Shack stupidity: When I went there the other day, I couldn't get the guy to ring up my sale. I swear, I bought what I needed up to the counter and he asks me if I needed anything else. "That's it," I said. And then...
He.
Just.
Keeps.
Standing.
There.

And he's not even BEHIND the counter, he's standing NEXT to me! It was a seriously freaky moment. After some awkward silence, he tries to sell me on a Vonage phone system. Apparently, this is some new broadband phone service where you make phone calls through your high speed internet connection instead of through the phone company. I honestly wish I could tell you more about this exciting new technological breakthrough, but the guy really didn't know ANYTHING about it. That's right, this complete ASS-CLOWN was trying to sell me something that he knew absolutely NOTHING about!

Somebody out there please tell me I'm not the only one who has experienced this kind of ineptitude at the Shack.

You've Got Questions?

2004-06-22T21:48:00.000-04:00

I had to go into Radio Shack today. You've seen the commercials. Their slogan is "You've Got Questions? We've Got Answers." They should change it to "You've Got Questions? Shit, so do we. Now what?" I swear, every time I go into this place I pray that I can get in, grab what I need, pay, and get out, before the salesman tries to "help." I'm not sure what qualifications you need to get a job at this place, but clearly a knowledge of how electronics work is not a pre-requisite. Gee whiz, why would you need to know anything about electronics to work in a store that sells NOTHING BUT ELECTRONIC EQUIPMENT??!!

True story: Last year, my wife bought home an old TV set from her Dad's house. Being an old set, it didn't have a cable ready (coaxial) connection in the back where you stick in the cable wire. "No problem," I thought. "I know that they make a neat little adaptor that you can attach to the back of old TVs that has the connection I need." So off I went to the Shack. I walked into the store and immediately made the cardinal mistake of telling the clown behind the counter what I was looking for. The conversation went something like this:
Jackass: "Can I help you?"
Me: "I just picked up an old TV, but it's not cable ready. I need to get the adaptor to put on the back so I can hook my cable box to the TV."
Jackass: "What do you mean it's not cable ready?"
Me (already disturbed, because I can see where this is headed): "It's not cable ready. It doesn't have the coaxial connection in the back to put the cable wire into. I need an adaptor."
Jackass: "What?"

At this point I grabbed the nearest stereo speaker from the display shelf and pummelled the stupid bastard into oblivion. Actually, what I did was leave the store and drive to the Radio Shack in the next town. You see, where I live, we don't have a single decent movie theatre, but we are blessed with THREE Radio Shacks within 10 minutes of each other.

Tune in tomorrow to see if I ever got the adaptor, plus EVEN MORE stupidity!

Crash and Burn

2004-06-21T23:21:00.000-04:00

Looks like I'll just barely get this post in on time to qualify it as still being Monday (it's currently 11:23 PM), thanks to my latest computer crash.

I've been without my computer since Friday when it mysteriously decided to stop working. The damn thing just wouldn't start, and it's not the first time this has happened to me. I turned the thing on, and was greeted by a blue screen that said something to the effect of "Wow...this thing is so messed up, it's been shut down automatically for your protection." What it should say is "We're not going to let Windows start up because of some minor glitch, so that you have to call up our tech support line and pay them $9,000 to wait on hold for three days while they look into the problem." Well, I'm too smart for them. I decided to let my fingers do the walking and hit The Yellow Book. I called a company called "Saved By The Geek" because they had the best ad, and also because we all know geeks are the best at this kind of thing. The Geek told me that worst case it would take 4 hours to completely do something to my hard drive, at a cost of $217.

Long story short....don't ever pay ANYBODY to fix your computer. I ended up going to the library, went on the computer there, and typed in "Unmountable Boot Volume" into Yahoo (that was the error message my computer was giving me). 20 seconds later I had the answer, and now here I am again.

The point of all this? I don't know...I guess I'm just pissed off that computers are designed to frustrate you at every turn. That just shouldn't be.

Keep F***ing Changing

2004-06-18T09:53:00.000-04:00

There's commercials running now for KFC where the people keep calling it "Kitchen Fresh Chicken." I'm pretty damn tired of the whole Atkins-south beach-low fat-no fat-low carb-no carb-no taste crap that's taken over society. Do they think we're morons? I know KFC stands for "Kentucky Fried Chicken," but apparently there's enough stupid people around that I can see this happening:
Fat Person #1: "What should we have for dinner tonight?"
Fat Person #2: "Let's go try some of that Kitchen Fresh Chicken!"
Fat Person #1: "That sounds perfect! Mr. Atkins says chicken is good!"

They will then proceed to wolf down 3 buckets of Original Recipe, not realizing that they've been eating FRIED chicken the whole time.

On a humorous side note, Jason Alexander (George Costanza of "Seinfeld") no longer does KFC commercials. He did a whole bunch for the last few years, but stopped because he had a problem with the living conditions of the chickens. Let me get this straight....it's OK to slaughter MILLIONS of chickens a day, chop their heads off, roll them around in flour, stick them in a huge vat of boiling oil, and then rip their flesh off the bones with your teeth, but if you have 10 of them sharing a bed, it's inhumane? In his defense, he probably didn't realize they were fried because they told him it was Kitchen Fresh.

Fakin' 2: Electric Boogaloo

2004-06-17T14:20:00.000-04:00

So if pro wrestling is so damn fake, how do you explain the following:

March 17, 1994, Munich, Germany: Professional wrestler Mick Foley (at the time, known as "Cactus Jack") became entangled in the ropes during a match with Big Van Vader, and, in the process of trying to free himself, lost his right ear. Let me repeat that: HIS RIGHT EAR WAS TORN FROM HIS HEAD. He would continue to wrestle the entire remainder of the match. Backstage, before getting in an ambulance, he tracked down a photographer to take pictures of the aftermath in the event they could use the photos in his feud against Vader.

Sunday, May 5, 2002: The Los Angeles Lakers' Shaquille O'Neal cut his index finger in the third quarter of a playoff game and had to leave the game to get 3 stitches.

Monday, May 21, 2001: Live on Monday Night Raw, a World Tag Team Championship match took place between the defending champs "Stone Cold" Steve Austin and Triple H, and the challengers Chris Jericho and Chris Benoit. Midway through the match, Triple H jumped into the ring and planted his foot awkwardly, completely tearing his quadricep muscle in half. He proceeded to wrestle the rest of the match, which included getting back out of the ring, climbing up unto the announcers' table and allowing himself (while still on the table) to be placed in a move called "The Walls of Jericho." Without going into too much detail, that particular move involves having your legs grabbed and wrenched violently around. If you can remember all the way back to 2 sentences ago, he had just torn his quad. I'm no doctor (I just play one on TV), but I'm pretty sure the man should have been in a hospital, not allowing himself to be turned into a human pretzel. Oh yeah, after that, he climbed back up into the ring for the conclusion of the match.

I don't think you need a road map to see the point I'm trying to make here. And these guys do what they do night after night, year after year, for a tiny fraction of what Shaq makes. Of course, they shouldn't get paid Shaq money because everything they do is fake, right?

Faking It

2004-06-16T09:11:00.000-04:00

Since I started this blog, I've been meaning to do a bit on pro wrestling. Yesterday, my brother posted a wrestling piece here. That rotten bastard. I am going to go ahead and do one anyway. Feel free to go ahead and click that link and read his first, I won't mind. In fact, I wish you would, because it will save me having to type a lot of back story about how I started watching wrestling.

So I watch pro wrestling a lot. What I don't understand is why, when people find out I'm a wrestling fan, the first thing they ALWAYS say is, "You know it's fake, right?" No fooling? It's fake? Do people REALLY think I'm retarded? My favorite thing to do is ask them later on what their favorite TV show is, and then inform them that show is also fake. They look at me like I'm an even bigger idiot then before. Please, have you ever heard people talking about "Friends," or "The Sopranos," or "Sex and the City?" They talk about the characters like they're REAL PEOPLE instead of a work of fiction. Sure, Rachel got off the plane to Paris (which was just a set) and ran to Ross' apartment (also a set) to declare her undying love for him. 47 million people watched this story unfold for 10 freaking years, and then what happened? Jennifer Aniston went home and had sex with her husband Brad Pitt. You see, Ross and Rachel don't really exist. But I'M the moron because wrestling is fake.

The biggest problem I have with the whole argument is that wrestling really ISN'T fake, so to speak. Sure, the matches have pre-determined outcomes and a whole slew of writers working on the storylines, but the notion that most people have about two fat guys pretending to punch each other is just not correct. These guys are real athletes. They do, obviously, try their hardest not to really hurt the other guy...except that most of what they do just plain hurts no matter what. It's just not possible to have a 300 pound man land on top of you with decent velocity and not be hurt. And I'm willing to bet that when a man of above-average strength swings a steel chair at you and connects with your forehead, it's going to sting a little (and no, there is no such thing as a fake chair. I've heard this argument before, and I still don't get it. What the hell is a FAKE CHAIR, exactly? But I digress...).

More wrestling malarkey tomorrow....

Cuckoo for Cocoa Cox

2004-06-15T13:21:00.000-04:00

Random stuff:

Courtney Cox-Arquette and David Arquette have named their newborn daughter Cocoa, instantly tying them for First Place in the "Worst Celebrity Baby Name" contest (the co-holders of the title are Gwyneth Paltrow and Chris Martin, for Apple). Rumors that the baby was delivered by cereal mascot Sonny the Bird have been unconfirmed.

Music legend Ray Charles passed away last week. He had liver disease, so I guess he saw it coming (rimshot, followed by the studio audience groaning).

I don't listen to much new music nowadays, with CD purchases becoming more and more rare for me. So I have to plug my favorite band right now, The Darkness. Since I picked this CD up a few months ago, I've been playing it non-stop. Just good, fun, rock and roll, clearly influenced heavily by one of my all-time favorites, Queen.

Spike TV took 10 minutes out of Monday Night Raw last night to plug the upcoming faux-reality series Joe Schmo 2. Well, their unwelcome, self-gratifying infomercial did what it was intended to do. Unless it was intended to entice me to watch the show. In that case, it failed, because all it did was piss me off.