The Shallow End of the Pool

Well, after a surprisingly fantastic regular season, the Rangers are being completely embarrassed in the first round of the playoffs and are one game away from going home. What a time for a slump! For those keeping score at home, it's too early to see how all of my playoff predictions have fared. I'll update things after the first round is over.

So now I need something to distract me from the depressing turn of events that hockey has dealt me...oh, look! This Sunday, WWE has another Pay-Per-View, "Backlash." I'm not going to spend any money on it except for the two cents I'm going to put in right now:

WWE CHAMPIONSHIP (TRIPLE THREAT): JOHN CENA vs. TRIPLE H vs. EDGE
I thought for sure that Hunter was going to win the belt at WrestleMania last month and I was wrong, but that won't stop me from picking him again. None of them would be a surprise, however. I personally would like to see Edge take it and be given more than 3 weeks with it this time; he's at the top of his game right now.

SHAWN MICHAELS & "GOD" vs. VINCE & SHANE McMAHON
I stated right on this page after WM that the Vince/Shawn feud should have ended that night after their stellar No Holds Barred match. Instead, they have dragged it out so far that even I, one of the LEAST religious people you could ever meet, am appalled and offended with how it has transpired. Honestly, if there is indeed a God, Vince McMahon is going to burn in hell after this travesty. And I pray to Him to end this feud for real this time, after He helps Shawn win again.

INTERCONTINENTAL CHAMPIONSHIP: SHELTON BENJAMIN vs. ROB VAN DAM
RVD's "Money In The Bank" contract is also on the line in this match, which should make it a lock for him. Should be a five-star match with the talent involved; Benjamin may be one of the best young athletes ever to compete in WWE.

KANE vs. BIG SHOW
Kane has a new movie coming out which portrays him as an unstoppable killing machine, and since they have turned him heel (again) to keep his in-ring character in line with the movie, look for him to get the win here. For the record, though, it was one of the worst heel turns EVER. Who the hell thought it was a good idea for a tortured Kane to be hearing voices in his head...that the viewers could hear as well??? Very poorly executed.

WOMENS CHAMPIONSHIP: MICKIE JAMES vs. TRISH STRATUS
WM re-match, which I think will have the same result. Mickie wins.

CARLITO vs. CHRIS MASTERS
I still think it was a mistake to turn Carlito face, but I guess we're stuck with it. Look for Masters to win (not cleanly) to keep this feud rolling along for a while longer.

RIC FLAIR vs. UMAGA
How original, a wild Samoan character! We've certainly never seen this gimmick before! Ugh. Since he just debuted, though, it looks like Umaga will get the nod here.

Final thoughts: The only two matches I really care about are the WWE Championship and the IC Championship. It's just not a strong enough card to get me to shell out my hard-earned ducats. The Tag Team Championship is sadly not represented; hopefully the Spirit Squad will get some sort of air-time during the PPV anyway.

The Stanley Cup Playoffs start on Friday, and...holy crap! For the first time since 1997, my beloved New York Rangers aren't sitting home watching the games on TV like me. It was heart-breaking to see them lose first place on the final game of the season, but what can you do? After nine years, I'm thrilled to have them be in the hunt no matter what. For my money, the run for the Cup is THE MOST exciting time of the year. Here's my thoughts on the whole shebang.

WESTERN CONFERENCE
(1) Detroit Red Wings vs. (8) Edmonton Oilers
The mighty Red Wings finished the year by winning the President's Trophy (awarded to the team with the best record in the league each year) and are always a force to be reckoned with. I say Detroit in 5.

(2) Dallas Stars vs. (7) Colorado Avalanche
Colorado isn't the same team they were two years ago and Dallas is always strong, but something in my gut is saying the Avs will take it in 7.

(3) Calgary Flames vs. (6) The Mighty Ducks of Anaheim
The Flames will win in 6, just because I still think the Ducks is a stupid name.

(4) Nashville Predators vs. (5) San Jose Sharks
San Jose came on real strong in the stretch-run, winning eight straight, so they have tons of momentum. But both teams were phenomenal on home ice this year; Nashville, with the higher seed, has home ice advantage, so I'll pick them in 6.

EASTERN CONFERENCE
(1) Ottawa Senators vs. (8) Tampa Bay Lightning
The Lightning, defending Stanley Cup Champions, won't make it out of the first round this year. Ottawa is a powerhouse (and, in fact, my pick to win the Cup). Look for a sweep.

(2) Carolina Hurricanes vs. (7) Montreal Canadiens
Klaus Meine would be proud. The Hurricanes will rock Montreal in 5.

(3) New Jersey Devils vs. (6) New York Rangers
Jesus Christ, this is bad. If you had told me two weeks ago that the Rangers were to face the Devils in Round One, I would have been frigging ecstatic. Then that pack of Satan worshippers won ELEVEN games in a row to finish the season and catapult into first place in the Atlantic Division. God Damn Devils. My heart is screaming for NY, but my brain says NJ in 5. I pray I'm wrong.

(4) Buffalo Sabres vs. (5) Philadelphia Flyers
My one consolation if the Rangers get knocked out is knowing that the hated Flyers will be right behind them. Buffalo in 6.

Hmmm...I've just realized that I picked the top 4 seeds to all win in the east. Usually there's some kind of upset, so...Rangers in 7!!!

I'll keep everybody posted as things progress. NOTE: I am notoriously bad at predicting these things, so this entire column has been a total waste of your time. Sorry.

I have what I would like to think is a fairly respectable DVD collection; 211 at last count. But as the collection grows, some larger questions arise:
1. When will I have time to watch all of these damned things I keep buying? and
2. Do I really need all these crazy "Special Features" anyway?

It turns out the two questions go hand-in-hand, actually. Bottom line: I have NINE movies sitting on the floor in my living room that I have bought in the last month but not watched yet. Next to those are THREE T.V. boxed sets that are also unwatched. These are all on the floor because if I put them away in the cabinet with all the others, they would probably go unwatched even longer. I just don't have that much free time. I'll get to them eventually, don't worry. That's not the point.

I hear you all thinking now: "So what the fuck is the point, then?" The point is this: My current situation has caused me to re-think my buying habits, and the movie studios and retailers have been gracious enough to give me a push. There's been a recent trend in DVDs to release two editions simultaneously: A single-disc edition with just the movie, and a two-disc special edition with all the bells and whistles. Oh, sure, it's been done before, but it's much more pronounced nowadays. In the last few weeks alone, three of this past year's biggest films (King Kong, the new Harry Potter, and Narnia) have all been released with one- and two-disc editions. Here's the rub: The first week they all went on sale, my retailer of choice had the single discs for $13.99 each. I don't remember all the prices of the doubles, but it was considerably more (around $7-$10 each).

So I started reminiscing, and looked over all the DVDs in my collection. I've watched most of the actual films several times, but how many times have I watched the special features? Once. Sometimes not even that. There's literally HOURS of stuff about The Lord Of The Rings that will forever remain on a part of the disc that no laser has ever touched.

Don't get me wrong, I have enjoyed most of the special features I've watched. But the point is, do I want to spend $10 extra for something I'll never watch again (and maybe not at all)? This "collector's mentality" that was developed in me from twenty years of buying comics was screaming in the back of my head to buy the double discs, but time and money were both singing a different tune.

I bought the single-disc editions of all three.

I know there's a couple of fellow wrestling fans that check this space out, so I thought I'd present my thoughts on this past Sunday's big show. I actually wanted to put my predictions in but I never got the chance, so instead you're stuck with my post-show musings. I'll rate the matches from Zero to Five stars.

WORLD TAG TEAM CHAMPIONSHIP: Kane and The Big Show retained their belts against Carlito and "The Masterpiece" Chris Masters. Solid opening bout, but the result was not even close to surprising; Kane pinned Carlito after Masters accidentally hit his own partner. This match was obviously more setup for the inevitable break-up of the Carlito/Masters team (which happened the following night on RAW). A bit disappointing because it looks like Carlito will be the face, but he's one of the most effective heels on the roster. ** for the match, Zero for Carlito turning face.

MONEY IN THE BANK LADDER MATCH- Matt Hardy/Shelton Benjamin/Rob Van Dam/Finlay/Bobby Lashley/Ric Flair: Great match and good to see RVD pick up such a high-profile victory. This was the second year in a row for this match; I hope it becomes an annual contest, as it really gives a spotlight for some deserving workers to shine. It was also the second year in a row that Shelton Benjamin stole the match. **** match, ***** for Benjamin's performance.

UNITED STATES CHAMPIONSHIP- JBL won the title from Chris Benoit (while using the ropes for leverage). Any match with Chris Benoit is going to be above average but I think it was missing a little something, probably because this feud is just getting started. After JBL's tainted win, I expect the next time they meet there will be more intensity. **1/2 match, ***** for the guy in the front row with the sign that had a picture of JBL next to a bag of Slim Jims ; Above the dried meat it said "BEEF JERKY" and above JBL it said "BEEFY JERK." Best sign of the night.

HARDCORE MATCH- Edge defeated Mick Foley. Fantastic. This is what should separate Pay-Per-Views from regular TV more often. Most PPVs don't seem to offer anything different from what you see week in and week out on RAW or Smackdown. I'd buy more of them if there was a guarantee I'd see something like this. By the way, I'm not just talking about the blood. It's all about intensity and the feeling that I'm watching something special. ***** match.

2 on 1 HANDICAP- The Boogeyman defeated Booker T and Sharmell. I am dumbfounded as to why this clown is being forced down the fans' throats every week. Booker and his wife have been a real highlight on Smackdown for months, and this is how he's rewarded? I hope Vince McMahon was watching the monitors backstage and noticed the crowd's complete indifference. Actually, that's not true. "Indifference" would indicate a lack of response, there was actually a very loud "BORING" chant...which is even more impressive when you realize the match was UNDER FOUR MINUTES LONG. Zero stars for the match and The Boogeyman, ***** for Booker T just because he needs to be recognized.

WOMEN'S CHAMPIONSHIP- Mickie James ended Trish Stratus' year-plus reign on top. A bit longer than usual for a women's match (almost nine minutes), but the months-in-the-making story and talent involved deserved it. I was surprised to see the crowd so solidly behind Mickie. Her facial expressions and the crowd's response almost made this a **** match, but there was a badly blown spot towards the end that sucked some of the wind out of the finish. So, ***.

CASKET MATCH- The Undertaker improved his WrestleMania streak to 14-0, easily dispatching of Mark Henry. Just as Chris Benoit makes any match better, Mark Henry will always bring it down. His ten-year contract expires later this year, and I can't imagine him getting another. Solid work from The Undertaker saved this one, including an incredible dive over the top rope AND the casket below onto Henry. **1/2 stars.

NO HOLDS BARRED- Shawn Michaels defeated Vince McMahon in another fantastic match. Take everything I said above about the Edge-Foley match and apply it here. Not a scientific wrestling clinic by any stretch of the imagination, but it wasn't expected or necessary. Here's a simple equation: Solidly Built Storyline + Charismatic Workers X Hot Crowd = ***** match. My only qualm (which doesn't affect this rating, because it happened 24 hours later on RAW) was the announcement that the feud will continue into next month's PPV. This should have been the end.

WORLD HEAVYWEIGHT CHAMPIONSHIP- Rey Mysterio was deservedly crowned the new champ, defeating Randy Orton and the now-former champ Kurt Angle in a triple threat. ***** for the workers involved and for the decision to give Rey the strap. Unfortunately, the match itself is only going to get ***. Why? First of all, it was WAY too short. A WrestleMania World Championship match clocking in at under 10 minutes??? There was some great action in the little amount of time the match was given, but the finish seemed to come out of nowhere and there was no real drama. Also, the impact of Rey's win was diminished when he tapped out to the Angle Lock only a few minutes into the match (Orton was distracting the ref, who missed the submission). A real letdown.

PLAYBOY PILLOW FIGHT- Torrie Wilson beat Candice Michelle. Memo to Vince McMahon: In this day and age, people who want to see half-naked chicks roll around can see it anytime they want on the internet for free. And the ones on the internet won't be HALF naked, they'll be ALL naked. And they won't be rolling around, they'll be...well, never mind about that right now. The point is, I paid 50 bucks for this? No, thanks. Negative 100 stars. An abomination. While I'm here, more negative stars for the decision to put this match on while MNM, the WWE Tag Team Champions, are sitting backstage and not defending their titles on the biggest show of the year. Inexcusable.

WWE CHAMPIONSHIP- In a real shocker, John Cena defeated Triple H by submission to keep his title. Great match with lots of back-and-forth action and near falls. This was what I expected from the triple threat earlier. ****.

BEST MATCHES:
1. Foley-Edge
2. Michaels-McMahon
3. Cena-Triple H