The Shallow End of the Pool

Back when I started this blog, one of my first posts was about the sorry state of television.  To be fair, though, I still do watch TV, and I don't want to make it sound like there is absolutely nothing on worth watching, because there is.

I am not, to put it mildly, a fan of reality television.  That being said, I strongly urge everybody to check out "The Amazing Race."  It recently began its fifth season, and airs Tuesday nights at 10:00 on CBS, with a repeat of the same episode Saturdays at 8:00.

Unlike most reality programs, "Race" doesn't rely on the same cheap tricks employed by most other reality shows to manufacture tension between participants, nor try to create its own "reality."  Very simply, 11 teams of two people each race around the world, performing various tasks and stunts along the way.  Pit stops are set up at various locations, and the last team to arrive is eliminated from the race.

Fascinating, fast-moving, and tense, "The Amazing Race" is easily one of the most entertaining programs on TV today.  So far this year only 4 teams have been eliminated, and there's a lot of show left, so it's not too late to jump on board and check it out.

 
 

Today I reveal the answers to my movie quotes pop quiz from yesterday.  You may want to scroll down and read that first if you haven't already.  Or if you don't give a shit about any of this, go away and stop wasting everybody's time.

1.  Jim Carrey as "The Cable Guy."  Still my favorite Carrey movie of all time.  Unfairly and almost unanimously attacked by both the critics and public alike when it was released.  I don't know why, although it may have something to do with the fact that people wanted more obvious humor from a Jim Carrey film.  Sorry, I'll take dark humor over fart jokes any day of the week.  (I'll still take fart jokes, too, of course.)

2.  Also from "The Cable Guy."  Janeane Garofalo as the Medieval Waitress and Matthew Broderick as Steven.

3. I left his name out of the quote yesterday to prevent giving it away.  The "he" is Howard Stern, and the quote is from "Private Parts." (Paul Giamatti as Kenny "Pig Vomit.")  Very, very funny movie, whether you like Stern or not.

4. An instant comedy classic from last year, "Old School."  Easily one of the funniest movies ever.  I could watch this over and over again.  Will Ferrell is amazing, but this quote is actually from a conversation between Mitch and his taxi driver (Luke Wilson and Stuart Cornfeld).

5. Another great film from last year, "School of Rock," starring one of my favorites, Jack Black.  People who think they hate Jack Black will still love this movie.  The quote is Ned Shneebly (Mike White) asking Dewey (J.B.) for the rent.

6 & 7. Honestly, if I need to tell you who said these two you are no longer allowed to read my blog.  Seriously, get the f*** out.  The greatest comedic performance EVER...John Belushi in "Animal House."

8. My favorite movie from the 80's, "Weird Science."  Anthony Michael Hall as Gary, drunk in the back of the car.

9. Cult classic "The Big Lebowski."  Every time I watch this movie I can't believe how funny it is.  I also still can't believe John Goodman wasn't even nominated for an oscar for his portrayal of Walter.  This was his line, many variations of which are sprinkled throughout the film.

10. Also from "Lebowski."  John Turturro as Jesus.  Not a very big part, but he makes the most of it.  This is probably the funniest line in the film.  Reading it in black & white does it no justice, so go watch it.

11. A line I use all the time.  Anytime ANYTHING goes REMOTELY wrong, I shoot out "You can't fix this car, Spicoli!"  From "Fast Times at Ridgemont High," another classic from the 80's.  In fact, this is my favorite 80's movie (sorry, "Weird Science").  Spoken by Stanley Davis, Jr. as Jefferson's brother.

12.  Also from "Fast Times," and probably the 2nd greatest comedic performance of all time next to Belushi's.  Sean Penn as Jeff Spicoli.

13. thru 16.  All from "Heathers," the movie that I love so much I named my first-born after it.  I could have done a thousand more lines from this film and still thought of more afterwards.  The first is Veronica (Winona Ryder) talking to her dad.  The second two are Heather Chandler (the late Kim Walker), and the last is a conversation between Veronica and Jason Dean (Christian Slater).

17. The great John Cusack film "High Fidelity," based on the equally great book by Nick Hornby.  This was a conversation between Rob (Cusack) and Barry (Jack Black again).  While we're on the subject, I recommend ANY book by Hornby.

18.  Another 80's classic, "The Lost Boys."  Spoken by Grandpa (Barnard Hughes).

19.  Yet another extremely funny movie that the public mostly ignored upon release, "Office Space."  Don't make the same mistake that my father did and write this off just because they show it on Comedy Central all the time; this is truly hysterical.  Conversation between Michael Bolton and Samir (David Herman and Ajay Naidu).

20. Ewan McGregor as Mark Renton in "Trainspotting," from the opening monologue.  A very disturbing yet brilliant film.  If you're ever thinking of taking drugs, this is better than a million Nancy Reagan commercials.

BONUS- Twisted Sister's Dee Snider on the Howard Stern radio show.  Another one I use in daily conversations, despite not actually knowing anybody named Bob.

 

As promised yesterday (scroll down if you didn't read it), here are some of my favorite movie lines of all time.  Tune in tomorrow to see where they come from.  Some movies are represented more than once.

1. "Down, Down, Down!  Red Knight's going down!"

2. "There were no utensils in medieval times, hence there are no utensils at Medieval Times.  Would you like a refill on that Pepsi?" "There were no utensils, but there was Pepsi?"

3.  "The man's immature, you know?  He's like a f***ing child....[he] can kiss my ass in hell!"

4. "I'm sorry, your seat belt seems to be broken, what do you recommend I do?"  "I recommend you stop being such a faggot."

5. "Hey, it's the first of the month and, uh, I would like your share of the rent now."  "Oh, man, you know I don't have it, you wake me up for that?  Come on, man!"

6. "I'm a zit.  Get it?"

7. "Was it over when the Germans bombed Pearl Harbor?  Hell no!"

8. "Well my nuts are halfway up my ass, but other than that I'm perfect!"

9. "Shut the f*** up, Donny!...You're out of your element!"

10. "Let me tell you something, pendejo.  You pull any of your crazy shit with us, you flash a piece out on the lanes?  I'll take it away from you, stick it up your ass, and pull the f***ing trigger till it goes click."

11. "You can't fix this car, Spicoli!"

12. "Hey, wait a minute, there's no birthday party for me here!"

13. "Because you're an idiot."

14. "F*** me gently with a chainsaw."

15. "Did you have a brain tumor for breakfast?"

16. "No, my life's not perfect.  I don't really like my friends."  "Yeah, I, uh, I don't really like your friends either."

17.  "Holy shiite!  What the f*** is that?"  "It's the record we've been listening to and enjoying, Barry."  "Well, that's unfortunate, because it SUCKS ASS!"

18. "One thing about living in Santa Carla I never could stomach.  All the damn vampires."

19. "At least your name isn't Michael Bolton."  "You know, there's nothing wrong with that name."  "There was nothing wrong with that name until I was about 12 years old and that no talent ass clown became famous and started winning Grammys."  "Well, why don't you just go by 'Mike' instead of 'Michael?'"  "No way, why should I change?  He's the one that sucks!"

20. "Choose your future.  Choose life.  But why would I want to do a thing like that?"

BONUS-Not from a movie, but probably the quote I use in my own day-to-day life the most often: "Can't say much now, can ya, Bob?"

Actually, the title of today's little piece is not entirely true.  I do kind-of have something, but I'm just not entirely prepared yet. 

A few weeks ago in Entertainment Weekly magazine, Stephen King (who has a monthly column) did a story on his favorite movie lines of all time, and invited the readers to send in their own.  The latest issue has several pages full of those responses.  Eliminated from consideration were what King called "Punch-Out" lines; i.e. "I'll Be Back" and things of that nature, which were designed to be used in posters and T-shirts and ad infinitum.  He was talking about the kinds of lines that just are either so good or so funny that they become pat of your vocabulary.

Well, Lord only knows I use movie lines as part of my basic vocabulary all the time.  So much so that sometimes people will get offended by something I've said, without realizing I was just doing movie lines and not actually calling them an asshole.

So I want to do a column on my favorite movie lines of all time, but like I said at the top, I'm not prepared.  Give me a day and I'll have them here tomorrow.  And because I'm a lazy bastard, I'm going to make a kind of game of it, mostly to get ANOTHER day's worth out of it beyond that.  What I'll do is just give you the quotes tomorrow, and the next day tell you where they came from, so you will have a whole day to try and remember.

Check back tomorrow for the quotes.  Or, if you're a dirty rotten cheater, you can wait 2 days and just see the quotes and the answers all together.  But remember: you're only cheating yourself.

I love bagels.  Manhattan Bagel makes the best bagels.  But somebody really needs to teach these people how to properly butter a bagel.  And I'm not just talking about Manhattan Bagel; Dunkin Donuts regularly screws up the buttering process as well.

You see, when I eat a bagel I separate the two halves and eat them individually.  Bottom half first, then the top half, because that's where all the poppy seeds are.  But somehow it has become part of the standard training process to only butter one side of the bagel, the assumption being that every person on the planet eats their bagels as one big piece, like a sandwich.  I can't believe that I'm the only person out of billions that eats his bagel halves separately.  If I'm tired or not paying attention, only one half gets buttered and I'm left to rub the two halves together like a moron trying to get some on the dry half.

Also, here's an apparently little-known fact: bagels have a hole in the middle.  It's true, take a look next time you see one.  I'm assuming this must not be common knowledge, because the people who butter my bagels don't seem aware of it.  Because of the hole, you should butter a bagel in a circular motion, spreading the butter around the circumference of the bagel while avoiding the hole.  Most bagel shop employees, however, just slap it on there and go straight across from left to right.  It doesn't take a physics degree to tell you that halfway across you will lose most of the butter in that hole.  Usually I'm able to take that extra butter that's lodged into the hole and spread it onto the dry side, so everything works out in the end.

I went and saw the new Will Smith movie this week, "I, Robot."  Here's my review.

It was really good.  You should go see it.

This is why I wait tables for a living instead of being the guy that Ebert picked to replace Siskel.

Seriously, it was a really fantastic piece of work.  It made you turn on your brain and really think about some things, as opposed to most other summer fare which requires you to not only turn your brain off, but have it surgically removed before you enter the theatre and put in a giant glass jar outside.  There are both benefits and risks involved with this procedure, as you could potentially receive the wrong brain back and become smarter or stupider or George W. Bush.

My brother and my cousin were having a discussion about science fiction films a couple of weeks ago, during which my brother stated that "Star Wars" and its many sequels were not science fiction.  I didn't think much of it at the time, but after seeing "I, Robot," the answer struck me.  Science Fiction films, at their core, need to have some sort of social commentary.  "I, Robot" had it. "A.I." had it.  "Blade Runner" had it.  "Star Wars" did not.  "Star Wars" just had robots and flashing lights and spaceships, but this is not what makes Science Fiction.  This does not make "Star Wars" a bad film (it is still one of the greatest movies ever made), it just means it's not Sci-Fi.  Because at the end of the day, "Star Wars" doesn't really have much to say about science or technology or society. 

"I, Robot" has a lot to say, so go see it.

I've dragged this out long enough, so I will make this quick and to the point, because, quite frankly, what happened that fateful night still makes me a bit angry.

I went to see the highly-anticipated "The Matrix Reloaded" last year on opening night.  Actually, it wasn't even opening night, it was a special sneak preview that was held late in the evening the night before.  I had bought my ticket weeks in advance and was anxiously looking forward to it.

The movie started, and about 10 minutes in, it was about to happen...the first big fight scene.  The instant the three Agents started to converge on Neo....darkness.  The film had broke or come off the reel or something, but either way it had stopped.  Everybody could clearly see the guy up in the booth struggling to fix it, but he had a clueless expression on his face that was not very comforting.  Imagine being grabbed off the street, shoved into an operating room, having a scalpel put into your hand, and being told to perform open-heart surgery on the dying person in front of you immediately.  That's what this guy in the booth looked like trying to fix the movie.  Fast forward about 5 minutes, during which time not a single soul that worked for the theatre came in to apologize or let anybody know whether or not the movie would start again, and the film started up.  Curiously, though, the glorious fight scene we were supposed to have witnessed had just ended.  3 minutes later the film broke again.  The entire audience groaned.  At this point, knowing full well that the theatre was in possession of two prints of the movie (it was scheduled to start running on 2 screens the next day), one would think that management would make an executive decision to use the OTHER print and fix the broken one later, seeing as how they had a theatre full of angry customers.  Instead, we were treated to another sideshow as the joker in the projection booth became more and more flustered.  Finally, the movie started again.  And promptly broke again.  Unbelievably, I was the only one in the entire place who had had enough.  I stood up and returned to the lobby, unable and unwilling to tolerate this any longer.

Once in the deserted lobby, I found a lone employee slumped over on the floor by the ticket window.  Literally, she looked like she was almost asleep.  Displaying all of the customer service skills that had been instilled in her by this theatre (none), she somehow managed the strength to move her eyes in my direction and mumble "Can I help you?"  I told her I wanted my money back.  "Which movie?"  I was dumbfounded.  Were the people in the lobby aware at all of the disaster transpiring inside Auditorium #2?  I explained what had happened, at which point the lifeless slug in front of me turned her head towards the ticket window for help.  It was then that I realized we were not alone.  Unseen by me inside the booth was the manager.  I heard a faint rustling sound, and an annoyed sigh.  The rustling sound was money being counted, and the sigh was from a woman who clearly could not give a shit about what was wrong in her theatre.  Her disembodied voice wafted out from beyond the half-open door: "I need his ticket stub," followed by an even more pronounced annoyed sigh.  Unbelievably, the only problem she could see was that I was interrupting her count, which would now be $8.50 lighter.  Her hand thrust the money out the door and into the slug's hand, who similarly thrust it back at me with barely a glance, mumbling that "It's opening night, it happens."  Now, I've never worked at a movie theatre, but I do know for a fact that ALL films are to be set-up and screened beforehand by the appropriate personnel to avoid exactly this problem.  Clearly, this had not been done, but the straw that broke the camel's back for me was not that the film had broken, but the shoddy treatment I was subjected to afterwards.  Never once did anybody say two simple words: "I'm Sorry."

I am happy to report that, even though I have to drive 45 minutes to get to it, every single movie I have seen since that night has been at the Regal Hamilton Commons 14, on the Black Horse Pike in Mays Landing, NJ.  It is always a pleasure to be greeted with a smile and enjoy a movie in a clean, modern atmosphere run by professionals.  The fools that run the other place should stop by sometime and see how it's done.

Eventually, you will read the story of how I reached my breaking point and imposed a life-long boycott of the crap-hole masquerading as my local movie theatre.

But first, more random stupidness from these clowns.  A few years ago I went to see the pile of crap that was released under the name "The Mod Squad."  I don't remember why I went, but I did.  That's not the point (but while I'm on the subject, if you're ever sitting around and someone says "Hey, 'The Mod Squad' is on TV tonight," find the nearest heavy object and bludgeon them into unconsciousness with it.  They'll thank you later).  So I bought my ticket and sat down in the empty theatre.  The time came for the previews to start.  The screen greeted me with...nothing.   I waited a few minutes.  Nothing.  10 minutes after the scheduled showtime, I finally figured something was wrong.  In hindsight, it was probably God telling me to get out now before I subjected myself to this movie.  I ignored all the signs and instead went out to the lobby to find someone.  I found the ticket-taker and asked if there was a problem with the movie and he said he'd find out for me.  I went back in and sat down.  2 minutes later the manager came in and explained that they hadn't started the movie because they didn't realize they had sold a ticket.  Before she went to start it, however, she demanded to see my ticket stub to prove I had paid!  I should point out at this time that this was far from a busy evening; I live in a summertime tourist area and this was not the summer.  As such, there was maybe a grand total of 50 people in the entire complex.  Did not anybody think to ask the moron SELLING the tickets if someone bought a ticket for "The Mod Squad" BEFORE basically accusing said customer of some chicanery?  At any rate, I showed her my stub, at which time she said "Thanks," when probably something along the lines of "I'm so sorry I accused you of being a criminal, here's 25 free passes, sir, please don't hold this against us" would have been more appropriate.

One more note before I get to the actual story I've been promising, and I need to preface it with a quick geography lesson.  I live at the very southern tip of New Jersey, which is a peninsula.  To make traveling a bit easier, there is a ferry which runs from Jersey over to Delaware.  Without said ferry, cars coming from the west or south of the Jersey Shore would have to drive many, many hours out of the way to get into Jersey only to have to basically double back down to get to the shore.  The ferry enables people to come straight across and saves tons of time.  Thousands of people use this ferry every day, and the first thing they see after getting back in their cars and driving off the boat is, you guessed it....the movie theatre.  So a little over a year ago, the brain trust that runs the place decided to take advantage of the fact that so many potential new customers were driving right past them every day.  Thousands of people driving past every day, on their way to start vacation, most of them with kids in the car.  So they did the most logical thing they could think of:  THEY TOOK ALL THE NAMES OF THE MOVIES THAT WERE PLAYING OFF THE BIG GLOWING SIGN OUT FRONT.  So now, people driving by are greeted by a message that says: "SHOW TIMES POSTED IN WINDOW."  Except they don't even keep up on that and letters have fallen off never to be replaced, so it actually says "SHO  T MES POS  D  IN WIN OW."  They don't even bother to put their phone number up on the sign, which I guess is for the best since after a day or two there would only be 5 digits up there anyway.  Oh, I almost forgot:  the theatre is on the OTHER side of the highway from the ferry terminal, so anybody who wanted to go to the window to see what was playing would have to make a U-Turn, and then drive a half-mile back towards the ferry to make ANOTHER U-Turn to get back where they were going in the first place.

Now that I've set the stage as to what complete idiots these people are, tomorrow (I promise) you will finally get the story of what happened that fateful night at "The Matrix Reloaded."

Wow, I had almost forgotten that I never did the conclusion to my last real post until my brother reminded me.  O.K., technically if someone had to remind me then I didn't "almost" forget, I COMPLETELY forgot.  So go ahead and click on that handy link I left for you up there if you need to remember what the hell I was talking about a few weeks ago, and then resume at the next capital letter you see below (it probably will be an "s").
 
So, I rushed out to my local movie mega-plex last May to see "The Matrix Reloaded," the highly anticipated first sequel to one of the best movies ever made.  Seriously, I can't stress enough how great the first "Matrix" film was; an absolutely stunning cinematic achievement that I can (and have) watched over and over again.  As a quick side note, can you believe it's already been over a year since the American public was duped into believing that these 2 sequels wouldn't completely suck?  But I digress...
 
When I called the local theatre a "movie mega-plex" in the last paragraph, I was being sarcastic.  Hell, it's even a stretch to call it a "theatre."  But seeing as how it is the only game in town, I had been going there happily for years.  But clearly this was a real Mickey Mouse organization, and boy did it show.  Ironically enough, my first bad experience goes back to the aforementioned original "Matrix."  Me and 2 of my buddies from work went to see it on opening night, with some free passes we had scored through a work connection.  However, throughout the film, the glorious stereo sound would cut out and we would be treated to the wonderful sound of a lone mono speaker, just as the Wachowski Brothers, I'm sure, intended their epic to be heard!  I never missed any dialogue or anything, but it was distracting, as you would hear a loud pop whenever the speakers would cut out.  You could still hear out of the one speaker, and it would only last for 10 seconds or so before kicking back in again, but it was still an annoyance.  But like I said, we did have free passes so we just let it go.
 
I made many return trips to the theatre without incident.  I did note, however, that a good percentage of times (at least 75%, if not more) they had signs hanging in the box office window stating that the film to one of the movies had been scratched, and so if you bought tickets to see this movie, half of it would be ruined because of the jagged scratch marks running across the entire screen.  I have never in my life seen this happen anywhere else, but it was just par for the course at this hell hole.  Happened all the time.  And their solution was to just hang up a sign saying "see this movie at your own risk-no refunds" instead of FINDING OUT WHY THE ASSHOLE PROJECTIONIST KEEPS F***ING UP THE MOVIES.  Thankfully, it was never one of the movies I was going to see, but I still made note of the clear ineptitude that was transpiring.
 
Tomorrow, I will tell you all about what happened at my screening of "The Matrix Reloaded" that made me swear of this theatre forever.  Plus, special bonus features...the ingenious marketing plan by the Einsteins that run this place, and the stupidest thing that happened when I went to see "The Mod Squad."  Trust me, it was even stupider than me going to see "The Mod Squad" in the first place.
  
 

In other words, enough of this sitting around feeling sorry for myself shit.
 
Seriously, the last couple of weeks haven't been the easiest of my life, but I am really O.K. with things.  Many thanks to my family and friends who have been there for me.  I love you all, and you have helped me more than you could ever know.
 
The bottom line is this: I am not, by nature, a very emotional person.  I don't wear my heart on my sleeve and I am definitely not the touchy-feely type.  I don't crave affection or attention and am quite content to just sit quietly by myself and watch a movie.  Now take those last few sentences and remove all the "dont's" and "nots" and you have my wife.  None of these things make either one of us a bad person, or wrong.  We're just wrong for each other.  We don't hate each other, nor is there any bitterness or animosity.    For those who don't know, my wife came from a very dysfunctional family.  Her parents never had time for her, or each other for that matter.  As a result, she has a constant need for validation and attention because she didn't get anything from her parents for 19 years.  This is not her fault and I do not blame her for it.  Unfortunately, I am not the kind of person who can give her what she needs.  I truly hope that she can find what she is looking for.  What she really needs is to seek counseling to help her with these issues, but she just doesn't see it, and I really feel bad for her because I don't think she will be truly happy until she gets some help. 
 
And in the event that she does get therapy sometime down the road, maybe they can work out why she's a nagging bitch all the time.  :)
 
That was a joke.  Really, I don't want anybody in my family to be angry or bitter towards Victoria because I'm not.  She was never a part of a family like ours and genuinely does not understand the dynamics of how it all works.  We will both be better off this way, and I am anxiously looking forward to the next stage of my life.
 
Starting tomorrow it's back to business as usual down here in the Shallow End.  I saw "I, Robot" yesterday, so sometime this week we'll be talking about that, as well as Manhattan Bagel, and much more.  Stay tuned.