The Shallow End of the Pool

In my last post, I jokingly referred to an upcoming (made-up) major motion picture entitled "Ernest vs. Pauly Shore." The joke, for those who didn't get it, was two-fold. Firstly, it was a riff on a recent trend in Hollywood to crossover two established franchises ("Freddy vs. Jason," "Alien vs. Predator"). The funny part was supposed to be that Jim Varney, who played Ernest in approximately 732 of those films, is dead, and Pauly Shore, late 80's-early 90's MTV icon, may as well be. Unbeknownst to me, however, Pauly isn't quite as finished as we all thought.

Special thanks to Sweetie Guy Hutchinson, who has his own wonderful blog over here, for bringing the following to my attention: Pauly Shore has written and directed a new film, and it actually looks really funny. It's called "Pauly Shore Is Dead," and you can check out the trailer for it at www.paulyshoreisdead.com.

The entire staff here at The Shallow End of the Pool would like to formally apologize to Mr. Shore for reporting the premature death of his career, although, to be frank, I'm sure this new movie won't do much to revive it.

Well, the summer is almost over, and if you don't believe the calendar, all you need to do is check out this past weekend's box office totals.

It seems that movie studios have taken to dumping all their crap into the end of August. I, for one, find this to be a very curious practice. It IS still summer after all. Heck, Labor Day is actually a little late this year, so there's almost 3 full weeks left before school starts. With the studios rushing every year to start the summer season earlier and earlier (I think next year the first big summer movie on the schedule is the big budget crossover "Ernest vs. Pauly Shore," set for release on February 17), you'd think somebody somewhere would have caught onto the fact that "Exorcist:The Beginning" and "Without a Paddle" did not really need to be the top two films this past weekend. In the middle of August, $18 million dollars should not be enough to qualify for a #1 opening.

Julia Child died this past week at age 91. Child was arguably one of the most famous chefs of all time, inspiring millions of people to start cooking. In a related story, Julia Child this week also won the "2004 Dead Celebrity Who I Thought Had Already Died Years Ago" award. Congratulations, Ms. Child.

Also this week, rock group Van Halen is suing the Baltimore Orioles for $2 million, claiming that they rearranged their schedule to accommodate the major league ball club's request to play their stadium, only to have the Orioles pull the plug on the deal at the last minute for no reason. Of course, we here at The Shallow End Of The Pool know the real reason: The Orioles heard there was a Van Halen reunion tour coming around, but didn't realize it was with Sammy Hagar. No judge in the world is going to award Van Halen any money for not delivering David Lee Roth.

I've written about the CBS show "The Amazing Race" before (check the archives, I'm too lazy to post a link for you right now), but what happened on this past Tuesday's episode was one of the funniest things I have ever seen on television, and certainly the greatest thing ever to happen on a reality program.

The 6 remaining teams had just arrived in a small town in Africa and had to take a bus to get to their next destination. Being a bit spread apart, the teams ended up on 3 different buses. Apparently, there are no sort of government regulations on the public transportation system wherever they were in Africa, because there was just some random guy collecting money from people after they sat down, and it seemed like he could charge whatever he felt like. The first two teams got on a bus and were charged five dollars each. I'm going to skip the middle two teams for a second. The last two teams got on a third bus and were charged only three dollars each. O.K., that's not too bad; only a two dollar differential there.

Now back to the second bus. Those two teams got on the bus and sat down, and the shakedown began. The menacing looking gentleman collecting the fares saw four ignorant Americans who surely had lots of cash on them, and demanded 200 dollars for the fare. To their credit, neither of the teams was falling for this and began the bartering process. However, the guy would not go below $150. Smelling the shakedown in progress, the teams decided to get off the bus. This is where the fun really began. He would not let them get off the bus. He actually physically blocked the aisle and made them sit back in their seats, and told the driver to start moving. I am now hysterically laughing, as these people have these dumbfounded expressions on their faces. During the course of what can now be best described as a temporary kidnapping, they manage to get the guy down to $100. Still a far cry from the $5 and $3 that the others paid, though. Then the bus runs out of gas. Seriously, the bus runs out of gas. One guy runs down the road with a gas can and returns shortly with the gas...and they make the Americans pay for it. That is not a misprint. You can watch the episode in a repeat this Saturday night at 8:00 if you don't believe me. This guy's bus runs out of gas, and after already charging $100 each for the ride HE MAKES THEM PAY FOR THE GAS.

So, whoever you are, sir, living all the way over in some small town in Africa, I salute you. You, my friend, are the absolute king of the shakedown.

My brother mentioned to me a couple of weeks ago the possibility of doing a crossover between our two blogs about the Pinewood Derby, so I'm going to get the ball rolling today.

For those who don't know, the Pinewood Derby is one of the highlights of the year as a Cub Scout (and for those who don't know what a Cub Scout is, it's just the Boy Scouts for kids who aren't old enough to be that yet). Of course, it's not hard for the Derby to be the highlight of the year, when the only other thing I remember about being a Cub Scout is sitting around eating cookies and drinking juice.

The Derby works like this: each kid is given a rectangular block of wood, 4 nails, and 4 little rubber wheels. Then the object is take your little block of wood and fashion a car out of it. With proper adult supervision and some time, you could make a really sleek, aerodynamically sound vehicle. Or you could do what I did. Being a lazy little bastard, I stuck the four wheels on the little block of wood, slapped on a quick coat of ugly brown paint, and took it to the derby.

The Derby itself is pretty cool. It amounts to what is basically a giant wooden slide divided into lanes. I forget how many kids go at once, but each kid puts his car at the top of the slide and then they let them go. First one to the bottom wins, and the winners of each race face off, until there is only one standing.

It doesn't take a degree in rocket science to realize that a clumsy wooden block is not going to win this race ( in fact, it somehow defied the laws of gravity and didn't even make the bottom of the slide), and thus my dreams of becoming Pinewood Derby champion went unfulfilled.

In keeping with yesterday's theme, there is one more minor ghost encounter I have had. The one I told you about yesterday was very vivid, as I was not only wide awake but also an adult. This one was a bit different, but also spooked me pretty good.

I was around 13 years old, living in Pittsfield, Massachusetts. One night I was asleep in bed when I was startled awake by the sound of my door creaking open (I didn't keep it shut all the way, but it was only open a crack). I sat up and saw a rather large dog walking across my room. It was just looking at me, but never made any sounds or aggressive moves. It crossed the length of my room, and then upon reaching the wall at the foot of my bed, disappeared into it. On the other side of this wall was my brother's closet, and I distinctly remember hearing the sounds of the dog walking around in there. Then there was silence.

We didn't have a dog. We had three cats. Upon telling people this story, their natural reaction is to tell me that I was just dreaming. Perfectly logical, as I was in bed at the time. But I know what I saw, and I also know I wasn't still asleep, as I had trouble falling back asleep again for quite some time. I guess this will forever be one of life's unsolved mysteries.

Over in my brother's latest post, he mentions some ghost stories from his past. Seems like a good time to tell you a ghost story of my own.

Cape May, NJ, where I make my living, is one of the oldest seaside resorts in the country. It is a quaint little town, full of old Victorian buildings and lots of history. It is, in fact, the only township in the country to be entirely designated as a National Historic Landmark. It is also haunted. Ghost stories in Cape May are a common occurrence. There are books written on the subject, and several different companies run ghost tours of Cape May, highlighting the homes with the most super-natural activity. The local weekly free newspaper, Exit Zero, even has a column written by a professional medium who goes to a different location every week and details his findings (you can read it by clicking on the link I just gave you). Sometimes it all comes across as a bit hokey, but I am here to tell you that it is all true.

Here's the story. A few years ago, I was waiting tables at one of the biggest restaurants in town. Over time, I was put into a position with some kind of authority, and on Thursday nights I was left in charge to close the place up (which was actually a really great gig, as it entailed sitting in the office, watching cable TV, and drinking free beer while waiting for the bar customers to go home). Now, I had heard stories that our building was one of the many in town that was haunted. I always took things like that with a grain of salt, but I couldn't deny the creepy feeling I got whenever I would walk through the empty upstairs dining room at night ( we had the main room downstairs, which also housed the bar; the upstairs was really only used during the peak summer season for overflow, and as such was dark and empty most of the year). One of my good friends there reported one time to have seen 2 young children out of the corner of his eye playing in the upstairs dining room, which was closed at the time. Upon closer investigation, there was no one there. For the record, he was not the type to make up goofy stories like that, and I for one believed him.

Before continuing, let me give you a brief description of how the building is set up so you can envision the rest of the story: There are stairs at the front of the main room that go up to the overflow dining room; at the back of that upstairs room is a doorway, which leads to a hallway. Off this hallway are two storage rooms, the office, and stairs that go down into the kitchen. Going through the kitchen, you can then exit the main kitchen doors and be back in the main room. It's like a big circle.

So, one Thursday night I'm closing up. The only 2 people left in the building are myself and the bartender. All I need to do is bring the cash drawer upstairs before leaving. I let the bartender out so he could go home and locked the door behind him. I went up the front steps, through the dining room, down the hall, and into the office. After putting all the money away, I went down the back stairs into the kitchen, through the kitchen, and into the main room. Now, after entering the main room from the kitchen, just to the left is where all the cups, silverware, and coffee stuff is set up. I stopped for a moment to make sure all the coffee burners had been turned off...when the kitchen doors swung back open and hit me in the shoulder, immediately followed by the muffled sound of little footsteps running away at great speed. Instinct kicked in first, as I ran into the kitchen to see who was fucking with me, then quickly remembered that I had let the only other living soul out of the building 5 minutes ago. If someone had been there, the footsteps running through the kitchen would have been followed by the same sound going up the stairs. I was greeted with silence. Then there was the sound of my own footsteps, getting me the hell out of the building as quickly as possible.

Of course, I probably didn't need to run. My theory is that the same 2 children that my friend had seen out of the corner of his eye were the ones who hit me with the door and ran away; they were just playing around. Whether I should have felt threatened or not, it was still a creepy experience.

The 2004 Summer Olympics start tonight on NBC. Oh, wait a second. I don't care. However, this Sunday on Pay-Per-View WWE presents SummerSlam. That's right, it's time once again for people who hate wrestling to get out now while there's still time. For the rest of you, here's my thoughts:

WORLD CHAMPIONSHIP: Chris Benoit vs. Randy Orton. I think they may actually put the belt on Orton. Benoit's been champ about 5 months now, which is quite a while nowadays. Randy's certainly got the skills and the look, and the crowd really responds to him. I'm still hoping they'll stick a cast on his arm for 3 years just like his dad.

WWE CHAMPIONSHIP: The Undertaker vs. JBL. As much as I hate Bradshaw, I don't really think Taker needs the belt at this stage in his career. They'll let JBL beat Taker just so people hate him more. Remember: the more people hate someone, the more likely they are to pay money to see him get his ass beat.

Eddie Guerrero vs. Kurt Angle: Angle, to revenge his loss at WMXX. Also because they'll want to get more mileage out of this feud.

INTERCONTINENTAL CHAMPIONSHIP: Triple Threat Match-Edge vs. Chris Jericho vs. Batista. I think Edge is getting ready to turn heel and have a long feud with Jericho. I don't think the IC belt will be a part of that, however, leaving Batista to take it on Sunday. Batista has been impressive in recent months, and his game has definitely stepped up (hard not to, hanging around with HHH and Ric Flair). Time to see if he can carry a title.

Matt Hardy vs. Kane, with Lita marrying the winner. I can't even believe this is happening. I see Lita turning heel and siding with Kane, costing Matt the match. Afterwards, Kane will continue to be a big presence on RAW every week while Matt is wasted on Heat wrestling Stevie Richards for eternity.

Eugene vs. HHH. I can't believe the Eugene character has lasted this long. If there is a god, HHH is going to destroy Eugene, and that match on Heat will become a tag match with Eugene and Matt taking on Stevie and Val Venis.

U.S. CHAMPIONSHIP (#1 of a best of five series): John Cena vs. Booker T. Cena will take this match, but end up losing the series.

Rey Mysterio, Billy Kidman, and Paul London vs. The Dudley Boyz: The Dudleys win, because Paul London will be too busy pinching himself and wondering aloud "Am I really on a PPV? They never even let me come to the building before!"

Diva Dodgeball: Just like Alien vs. Predator, no matter who wins, we lose. Because while this nonsense is taking place, talent like Rob Van Dam, Rene Dupree, Rhyno, Tajiri, and La Resistance are sitting in the back for the night. Why is the World Tag Team championship not being defended tonight? Shameful. All of the so-called Divas in this talent search may look good in bikinis, but have absolutely no screen presence or charisma. Shameful.

It's going to be tough writing about "The Village," just because I have to be real careful to not give anything away. I will say that I really liked this film, although it's not quite the film I expected it to be. Lots of people didn't like it, and it has been savaged by most critics, but I think that is for the same reason: it wasn't exactly the same kind of film that it was advertised as being. If you go into it with an open mind and ignore what others have told you, then I think it really is a great experience, and unlike any other movie I have seen in a long while.

That said, it's not perfect, and I think some things about it were never adequately explained (again, this is going to be difficult without giving anything away). The bottom line, though, is that I thought enough about the film to go through the message boards on IMDB to see what others thought about those same issues, and quite a few of my questions were answered. "The Village" definitely requires a second viewing to take all of these things in.

My one big complaint about the movie, though, is that I think writer-director M. Night Shyamalan has become a bit too hung up on putting shocking twists into his endings. He doesn't need to do this, as he really is a gifted filmmaker, and the ideas presented at the end of "The Village" really fascinated me. In fact, I think the whole movie could have been carried with the ending as its main plot, instead of just the climax. It really would have been a fascinating character study; as it is now, we really didn't get any time to see what was going on inside these characters' minds. All in all, though, "The Village" really stayed with me for a long time after I saw it and made me think. Not something you usually get from a summer movie.

The first two movies I saw during my triple threat movie experience were "The Bourne Supremacy" and "Collateral."

"Bourne" was a really fantastic spy thriller. I love it when a movie, especially a sequel, doesn't dumb things down and assume that the audience are morons (in most cases, this would probably be a safe assumption, actually). This absolutely requires you to have seen the first film, "The Bourne Identity," as you are thrown right into this film with no extraneous crap trying to explain Jason Bourne's situation. I applaud the filmmakers for giving me enough credit to remember what happened the first time around. If I wanted my intelligence insulted, I'd wait for the upcoming Jimmy Fallon/Queen Latifah "Taxi." (I know, I know, I ripped on "Taxi" yesterday, but I just can't wrap my head around just how bad this actually looks. Don't quit your day job, Jimmy....What's that? Oh, never mind. Sorry.) One warning if you haven't seen "The Bourne Supremacy" yet: if you have a weak constitution, bring some Dramamine or something, because the chase and fight sequences use some really fantastic quick cuts and the camera jumps around A LOT. I thought it was really effective; others may just get dizzy.

Next I went to the bathroom, because a "small" soda is approximately 78 ounces. (It comes in two sizes, medium small and medium large. Only my brother will get that. The rest of you just ignore us.)

Then I saw "Collateral," with Tom Cruise and Jamie Foxx, and directed by Michael Mann (check out my brother's post about Michael Mann here.) I pretty much agree with everything he said, except the part about the last third being a bit of a let down. This was really a solid film all around, and it's really great to see Tom Cruise playing very much against type. Jamie Foxx is also very good, and is quickly turning into one hell of a serious actor, something I never would have guessed from his comedic beginnings on television's "In Living Color" and "The Jamie Foxx Show." I highly recommend both films.

Tomorrow, M. Night Shyamalan's "The Village."

I did something yesterday that I have never done before. I went to the movie theatre and watched THREE movies in a row. Not since the summer of '87 when our Aunt took me and my brother to see "The Lost Boys" and "Summer School" back-to-back had I attempted something on this level (and even then, we cheated, as we had lunch after the first movie, and they weren't even at the same theatre, so there was a long gap in between). I did it with military precision, too. I worked out the times and how long each movie was, so after each film I had time to hit the bathroom, get a snack, and get to my seat just as the first previews started.

I wouldn't recommend this for just anybody; it takes stamina and no social life. Luckily for me, I have no life and a gallon of soda gives you enough caffeine to make up for the stamina.

I normally love previews. Some people find them annoying, but I don't. Sure, I can't stand it when an extra-long preview basically spells the whole thing out for you from beginning to end, but for the most part they are good. However, when going to see three movies in a row, you tend to see the same previews multiple times. In some cases this can be helpful. For instance, having seen the trailer for the upcoming Jimmy Fallon/Queen Latifah "Taxi" three times, I now know without having to see the movie that is the worst movie ever made. I also saw what is called a "teaser" for next summer's "Batman Begins," and I really can't wait for that.

The three movies I saw were "The Bourne Supremacy," "Collateral," and "The Village." I enjoyed them all on different levels, and some more than others. I'll talk more about them all starting tomorrow.

It's not easy being a hockey fan. Hockey has always been the bastard red-headed step-child of the major sports (baseball, football, and basketball), receiving the least mainstream attention and coverage on ESPN and other media outlets. And it's even less easy for me, for I am not only a hockey fan, but a New York Rangers fan as well (For those who don't know, the Rangers suck. Bad.). But this isn't about how crummy my favorite team is.

No, this is about how there may not even BE a hockey season this year. A few weeks from now, the collective bargaining agreement between the players' association and the owners expires. if they can't reach a new agreement, the players will be locked out of training camp and the season will either be severely delayed or not happen at all. As usual in pro sports, it all boils down to money. The owners want to put a salary cap in place, claiming that the teams in bigger cities have an un-fair advantage (big city=bigger crowds=more money), because they can afford to sign all the best players at premium prices, which smaller teams can't afford to do. A salary cap would theoretically put all teams on even ground. The players, naturally, do not want the salary cap for obvious reasons: the won't get paid as much. Neither side is willing to budge on the salary cap issue, threatening the season.

Here's where I climb on my soapbox for a minute. There's always a lot of grumbling amongst the sportscasters, sportswriters, and the public as well, that pro athletes get paid too much. I say hogwash. These teams are making hundreds of millions of dollars a year between ticket sales, advertising, TV deals, merchandising, and lord knows what else. If the players don't deserve their fair share, I don't know who does (I feel the same way about the escalating salaries of TV stars, by the way). Fact: The public buys tickets to see their favorite players play, and they buy T-shirts and other merchandise of those same players. The players are the ones putting their bodies on the line night after night, not seeing their families for weeks at a time. Why should a fat guy sitting up in an office in a suit get all their money? Now, I', not saying the fat guy should get nothing, I'm just saying that the players deserve more.

One other point: I can't believe for a second that nobody involved in this whole debacle has pointed out one simple thing. FACT: The team with the highest payroll in the NHL every year (I stress again EVERY YEAR) is my beloved New York Rangers. With this bloated payroll, the Rangers have managed to miss the playoffs for 7 consecutive years, no easy feat considering that 16 out 0f the 30 teams make the cut. And who won the league's prestigious championship, The Stanley Cup, this past year? The Tampa Bay Lightning, a team from one of those smaller cities (in a state where they don't even have ice, for crying out loud). Someone please explain to me again the argument about how a salary cap would make things more fair.

Went and saw "Harold and Kumar Go To White Castle" earlier this week. I honestly can't remember the last time I laughed as hard and as often at a movie as I did at this one. Absolutely hysterical stuff, and I can't recommend it highly enough.

On a related side note, my brother from Florida had no idea what White Castle is, and apparently this is pretty common. People from my neck of the woods take White Castle for granted, but it really is a small operation pretty much confined to the Northeast. So we took him for his first ever visit, and it was just as good as always. Of course, I had violent stomach disorders for 2 days after but it was worth it.

Funny side note #2: I just ran the spell check on this, and it came up clean. Anytime I use the words "blog" or "asshole" the spell checker doesn't recognize them (I'm pretty sure there is some irony involved when a blog's spell checker doesn't recognize the word "blog"), but it had no problem with "Kumar." Am I the only one who thinks that's funny? Anyway, I encourage everybody to use the spell checker as often as possible, because it can be very amusing at times to see what words it recommends in place of the ones you wanted.

For those 3 people who actually read this blog on a daily basis, I apologize for the lack of posts this week. Those who read my brother's blog may know he is on vacation this week, entertaining our younger brother who is visiting from Florida, so I took a few days off as well. But then when I came back on Tuesday, I found myself unable to log on to Blogger, and was thus unable to post. The same problem befell me on Wednesday. So finally today I managed to figure out another method with which I was able to get in here and do this, but am still unable to log in via the home page. I have sent off an e-mail to Blogger tech support, and hopefully they can help me out. Either way, I should be back tomorrow with a full post and then resume my normal Monday-Friday schedule.