The Shallow End of the Pool

And Now, the top 100 KISS songs.

100. My Way
99. Get All You Can Take
98. I've Had Enough (Into The Fire)
97. Under The Rose
96. Easy As It Seems
95. What Makes The World Go Round
94. Hooligan
93. Love Theme From KISS
92. War Machine
91. Carr Jam 1981
90. Little Caesar
89. I Just Wanna
88. Every Time I Look At You
87. Reason To Live
86. Uh! All Night
85. I Still Love You
84. Odyssey
83. Magic Touch
82. All-American Man
81. Got Love For Sale
80. See You In Your Dreams
79. Getaway
78. Love 'Em And Leave 'Em
77. Baby Driver
76. Creatures Of The Night
75. Thrills In The Night
74. A World Without Heroes
73. Flaming Youth
72. Sweet Pain
71. All The Way
70. Let Me Go, Rock 'N Roll
69. Anything For My Baby
68. Love Her All I Can
67. Tomorrow
66. Any Way You Want It
65. Plaster Caster
64. Watchin' You
63. Lick It Up
62. I
61. Heaven's On Fire
60. You're All That I Want
59. Save Your Love
58. Hard Luck Woman
57. Mainline
56. Take Me
55. She
54. Got To Choose
53. Let Me Know
52. Mr. Speed
51. Ladies In Waiting
50. Childhood's End
49. Forever
48. Who Wants To Be Lonely
47. I Love It Loud
46. Is That You?
45. Larger Than Life
44. Comin' Home
43. Two Timer
42. 100,000 Years
41. Ladies Room
40. Sure Know Something
39. Beth
38. Room Service
37. Nothin' To Lose
36. Strange Ways
35. King Of The Night Time World
34. Hate
33. Almost Human
32. Tomorrow And Tonight
31. Great Expectations
30. Detroit Rock City
29. Dreamin'
28. Rocket Ride
27. Rock Bottom
26. Hotter Than Hell
25. Rock And Roll All Nite
24. Hide Your Heart
23. Unholy
22. Christine Sixteen
21. Calling Dr. Love
20. Seduction Of The Innocent
19. Makin' Love
18. Firehouse
17. Do You Love Me
16. God Of Thunder
15. Goin' Blind
14. God Gave Rock And Roll To You II
13. Cold Gin
12. Parasite
11. Shock Me
10. Tears Are Falling
9. I Was Made For Lovin' You
8. Shout It Out Loud
7. I Want You
6. C'Mon And Love Me
5. I Stole Your Love
4. Love Gun
3. Deuce
2. Strutter
1. Black Diamond

Until next time, keep your feet on the ground and keep reaching for the stars.

Without further ado, here begins my chart ranking all KISS songs, beginning today with #200 to #101...

200. Fanfare
199. Escape From The Island
198. Bang Bang You
197. Kissin' Time
196. Let's Put The X In Sex
195. (You Make Me) Rock Hard
194. Then She Kissed Me
193. Dark Light
192. Into The Void
191. Domino
190. The Street Giveth And The Street Taketh Away
189. Read My Body
188. No, No, No
187. Crazy Crazy Nights
186. Cadillac Dreams
185. Boomerang
184. I Pledge Allegiance To The State Of Rock And Roll
183. When Your Walls Come Down
182. Thief In The Night
181. Killer
180. Fits Like A Glove
179. Gimme More
178. Partners In Crime
177. Radar For Love
176. Murder In High-Heels
175. Trial By Fire
174. I'm Alive
173. Any Way You Slice It
172. Secretly Cruel
171. Down On Your Knees
170. Lonely Is The Hunter
169. A Million To One
168. Saint And Sinner
167. While The City Sleeps
166. Nowhere To Run
165. Love's A Deadly Weapon
164. Danger
163. Exciter
162. Burn Bitch Burn
161. Under The Gun
160. Not For The Innocent
159. You Wanted The Best
158. Young And Wasted
157. In The Mirror
156. Raise Your Glasses
155. Within
154. Rock And Roll Hell
153. I'm A Legend Tonight
152. Hell Or High Water
151. Psycho Circus
150. Good Girl Gone Bad
149. Torpedo Girl
148. Betrayed
147. I Confess
146. Paralyzed
145. Jungle
144. Heart Of Chrome
143. It Never Goes Away
142. Spit
141. Thou Shalt Not
140. Tough Love
139. Turn On The Night
138. Hard Times
137. Charisma
136. She's So European
135. Nothing Can Keep Me From You
134. Prisoner Of Love
133. I'll Fight Hell To Hold You
132. Keep Me Comin'
131. Silver Spoon
130. I Finally Found My Way
129. Talk To Me
128. Only You
127. Dirty Livin'
126. In My Head
125. The Oath
124. Shandi
123. I Walk Alone
122. We Are One
121. I Will Be There
120. King Of Hearts
119. X-Ray Eyes
118. Mr. Blackwell
117. Two Sides Of The Coin
116. Take It Off
115. Love's A Slap In The Face
114. And On The 8th Day
113. Journey Of 1,000 Years
112. 2,000 Man
111. Rain
110. Rise To It
109. Dance All Over Your Face
108. Just A Boy
107. Naked City
106. Somewhere Between Heaven And Hell
105. Love Me To Hate You
104. King Of The Mountain
103. All Hell's Breakin' Loose
102. Rockin' In The USA
101. Master & Slave

Next time, the suspense ends as I count down #100-#1.

OK, if you're the president of the Hall & Oates Fan Club, I apologize for misleading you with today's title. Everybody else should know that I am in the process of ranking every KISS song in order of my preference.

This has proven to be a much more involved project than I originally thought. My list is almost complete; I will begin the countdown in the next update, probably Friday. In the meantime, I will make some clarifications and disclaimers to save time later on. In no particular order, then, I bring the following to your attention:

1. "Rock And Roll All Nite" will only appear on the list one time, despite appearing in various forms at least 73 times on different albums, what with live versions, re-mixed greatest hits packages, acoustic versions, and so on and so on and so on. This applies to all songs that make multiple appearances in the catalog. Which brings me to...

2. There are exactly 200 songs in all. In addition to not counting greatest hits and live version duplicates, as mentioned above, the magic number of 200 also does not include any songs from the infamous 1978 "Solo Albums." Although all 4 members of the band released solo projects on the same day, and all 4 albums featured the KISS logo and are considered in most quarters to be part of the KISS catalog, I don't feel they belong on this list. Because at the end of the day, they are still solo albums. For the curious, if I had included them, you would see most of Ace and Paul's albums near the top of the list, and Peter and Gene's at the bottom. Really no middle of the road stuff in there.

3. While generally regarded as a real creative slump in their career, Unmasked and Music From The Elder actually fair very well on the list. I found a lot of really solid tracks here, more than I thought I would.

4. On the flip-side of the above, while most credit the removal of the make-up in 1983 with a creative resurgence, I found a whole lot of shit here. With the exception of the singles that were in fairly heavy rotation on MTV, there's not a lot of redeeming stuff to be found from the mid-80s era.

Of course, record sales show that I am very much alone with the above two opinions. Which just proves the old adage about opinions: Everybody's got one, and this asshole is going to give you his next time.

Always looking for an easy way to update this site, I am going to "borrow" an idea from another blog that I frequently read (and you should, too...right here). On a recent post, T-Bone ranked all of Iron Maiden's songs from #124 all the way to #1. "What a brilliant idea," thought I. "I'm going to steal it!" I will not, however, be counting down Iron Maiden songs. Anybody who knows me knows what's coming next. Wait for it...I will be ranking KISS songs.

And so, my next post will be the first part of a countdown that nobody asked for, and probably nobody except for myself will even be interested in. But I'm not doing it for you, faithful readers. I'm doing it for me. I'm selfish that way. Get over it.

Actually, truth be told, the afore-mentioned Iron Maiden countdown really did inspire me. As a life-long KISS fan, I realized that I had never actually sat down and thought about what my favorite songs were. It sounded like something I just should have done and never did. Plus, since the band seem to have relegated themselves to the status of annual touring nostalgia act, very realistically the chances of there ever being a new KISS song to add to the list are about as good as my chances of scoring with Sarah Michelle Gellar. So now is as good a time as any.

Check back shortly for the beginning of this ambitious project.

This Sunday, WWE Smackdown! is holding their annual "No Way Out" PPV. Since re-starting this blog earlier this week, I have decided to go back to running my predictions here, because it saves me from having to think of something else to write about.

One note before I begin: This PPV looks really, REALLY weak on paper. Running PPVs as often as they do is leading to some real rush jobs, leaving the fans with no emotional investment in the matches. Note to Vince McMahon: If you expect people to pay $34.95 16 times a year (that's right, they do 16 of these things annually) for your product, you just have to give them something to be excited about.

WWE CHAMPIONSHIP in a BARBED WIRE STEEL CAGE: JBL vs. THE BIG SHOW
Hats off to JBL, who has held the belt for about 10 months straight now, which in this day and age is an eternity. Originally thought of as a joke champion who wouldn't last long, he has done a credible job of making the belt look important as he has fended off all top contenders and left the fans salivating for the day when he will get his come-uppance. That day will not be Sunday, however. Kudos to the WWE for putting these two in a barbed wire steel cage, as neither of these two lumbering behemoths will put on much of a technical wrestling showcase. A steel cage is a good environment for them to put on a fairly entertaining bout. JBL will win, setting him up to lose the big one next month at WrestleMania 21. And his opponent (and next WWE Champion) will be the winner of....

KURT ANGLE vs. JOHN CENA
Cena is like a runaway freight train right now, with tons of momentum behind him. This match is a lock for him, especially considering the fact that it's already been confirmed that Angle will be facing Shawn Michaels at WM. In fact, I wouldn't be surprised to see HBK show up tomorrow and cost Angle this match, much like Angle cost him the Rumble last month.

THE UNDERTAKER vs. LUTHER REIGNS
Did you know Luther Reigns (legitimately, not just for TV purposes) once had his throat slit from ear to ear? No? HOW THE HELL COULD YOU NOT, HE ONLY SPOUTS OFF ABOUT 5 TIMES EVERY WEEK ON SMACKDOWN!!! We all get it, Luther. You're a badass. Too bad you will be the latest in a long line of mid-card talent who will be buried by the rapidly aging Undertaker. I have nothing but respect for 'Taker, but it's really past time for him to be used in a role where he is putting over some rising talent. A young guy with tons of potential could start a nice career with some wins over Undertaker. It just won't be Luther.

WWE TAG TEAM CHAMPIONSHIP: THE BASHAM BROTHERS vs. EDDIE GUERRERO and REY MYSTERIO
This match nicely proves my earlier point about having no emotional investment in the matches. This was only announced this past Thursday (3 days before the PPV), and Rey and Eddie have virtually no experience as a team. This also illustrates nicely the dire tag team situation in WWE right now. Look for the Bashams to retain.

6-MAN CRUISERWEIGHT ELIMINATION CHAMPIONSHIP
Funaki defends his title against Paul London, Spike, Akio, Shannon Moore, and Chavo Guerrero. If they let these guys go at it for a decent amount of time (and they should, considering only 5 matches have been announced) this will be the highlight of the evening. This could go a few different ways, but Funaki will probably keep his belt. I wouldn't have a problem with Paul London winning it, though.

There's also some sort of Diva contest going on, but I won't even dignify it by discussing it here. A bunch of nameless faceless bimbos with no evident charisma is not why I watch wrestling. Wrestling fans everywhere should be insulted by this. I know I am.

As promised, today's update is about the funniest things in the world. I will list the Top 4 funniest things in the world, because (A) I'm a lazy writer and lists are really easy to do and (B) any more than 4 and even I would lose interest.

DISCLAIMER: This is just my opinion of what the funniest things in the world are, of course, and I respect the fact that others may possess a different sense of humor than my own. Those people can go suck eggs and read a different website.

And so, without further ado, here we go:

#4: Belching and farting. I may be 33 years old, but I swear if bodily noises ever stop being funny to me, I'm going to go have a nice lie down on the nearest train tracks.

#3: Snoop Dogg. This guy just cracks me up. He doesn't even have to do anything. Just show me Snoop Dogg sitting in a chair drinking an Iced Tea, and I'm in hysterics.

#2: People other than myself getting hit in the crotch. I know I'm not alone in this. "America's Funniest Home Videos" has been on television for something like 72 years, and the show's producers can point to one thing being responsible for their enduring success: Toddlers with wiffle-ball bats hitting their fathers in the balls.

#1: Monkeys. Put a monkey into almost any scenario and you have instant laughter. Monkeys=Comedy Gold. Interestingly enough, the only thing you could have a monkey do that would NOT be funny is to hit a guy in the groin with a blunt object. You would be inclined to think that combining the funniest 2 things in the world would lead to an even higher level of comedy, but monkeys attacking humans, even in the crotch, would just be the beginning of a terrifying scenario that would ultimately lead to the near-destruction of all mankind, leaving only a handful of survivors to begin a hopeless rebellion against our simian oppressors, which in turn would lead to Charlton Heston crying on a beach somewhere. EXCEPTION: If the person on the receiving end of the monkey's scrotal assault was George W. Bush, then it would be funny.

Feel free to put your own 2 cents in on what you think is funny!

Hey Now!

Roughly 5 and a half months after my last post, I have decided to grace all 3 of my faithful readers with an update.
There were a combination of factors that led to my disturbing lack of updates, but none more important than the fact that I had no computer. Wait, that's not entirely true. I had one the whole time, it just didn't work. To put it in modern technological jargon, the thing was completely f***ed up. And, much to my surprise, I found that it is quite impossible to update a website without a computer.

Long story short, I'm back with a working computer, and will resume updating the blog on a fairly regular basis. I won't commit to any kind of schedule or promise daily updates or anything, but I will try and put new stuff up whenever I can.

Coming next time, a list of the funniest things in the world.